Mary: Sheldon, faith means believing in something you can't know for sure is real. And right now, I am struggling with that.
Sheldon: So you don't believe in God anymore?
Mary: That isn't something for you to worry about. I need to figure this out myself.
Sheldon: Can I help? Maybe I could provide a fresh perspective.
Mary: I don't think so, baby.
Sheldon: Did you know that if gravity were slightly more powerful, the universe would collapse into a ball?
Mary: I did not.
Sheldon: Also, if gravity were slightly less powerful, the universe would fly apart and there would be no stars or planets.
Mary: Where you going with this, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It's just that gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be. And if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn't one percent, life wouldn't exist. What are the odds that would happen all by itself?
Mary: Why are you trying to convince me to believe in God? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon: I don't, but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there's a creator.
Mary: Baby, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but logic is here. And my problem is here.
Sheldon: Well, there are 5 billion people on this planet and you're the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?

Principal Petersen: Our next young speaker needs no introduction, but that didn't stop him from writing one and making me read it. [laughter] "Fun fact." [audience groans, murmurs] I hear you. "The word 'valedictorian' is from the Latin 'valedicere,' meaning 'to say farewell.' It is primarily used in the United States, Canada, the Philippines and Armenia." Maybe that fact's more fun in Armenia. Please welcome your valedictorian, Sheldon Cooper.
Mary: Yay, Shelly!
Sheldon: Hello. I'm not very comfortable speaking in front of crowds. But there's a technique to reduce stage fright by focusing on one person in the audience and delivering your speech just to them. That's what I'll be doing today. If it weren't for this person, I wouldn't be here right now. They've taught me a lot, and it's by their example that I found the courage to move forward into this new and exciting chapter of my life. Missy... ...this is for you. Change can be scary, but I know we're going to be fine... ...because like you said, "It's okay to be scared. We just have to do it anyway." So if any of my fellow graduates are nervous about the future, know that you're not alone. I suggest you all try to be as brave as my twin sister. That's my plan. Missy, I wish I could give you advice about middle school, but I was so smart, I skipped it. If you make it to high school, we'll talk. Thank you. [applause]

Umpire: Strike!
Missy: Yes!
Dale: Aw, don't get all hysterical, little girl!
Missy: You suck!
Dale: You suck!
Missy: No! You suck!
Umpire: Strike!
Dale: I am the leader of the little people.

Pastor Jeff: So you were saying?
Sheldon: You've confused possibilities with probabilities. According to your analogy, when I go home I might find a million dollars on my bed or I might not. In what universe is that 50-50?

Sheldon: Go get me a beer, woman.
Paige: What?
Sheldon: It infuriates my mom when my dad says it.
Paige: Sheldon, stop. You can't upset me.
Sheldon: Why not?
Paige: Because there are things in my life that are way worse than anything that you can come up with.
Sheldon: You mean your parents splitting up.
Paige: Obviously.
Sheldon: I think I know how to irritate you. I bet you think the divorce is all your fault and now your family is torn apart forever. Did I do it? Did I get under your skin? [Paige clenches her first]

Professor Ericson: So we learned that the theory of knowledge poses some very serious problems.
Sheldon: [enters] Excuse me, Professor Ericson. I've done a little reading since last we spoke, and I'm prepared to show you that everything we know about science is true.
Professor Ericson: Well, I am all ears.
Sheldon: You said I couldn't truly know anything, but there is one thing that I do know. If I question, I must think; If I think, I must exist. Cogito, ergo sum: I think, therefore I am.
Professor Ericson: You're right.
Sheldon: You're darn right I'm right.
Professor Ericson: Guys, g-give it up for Sheldon. [applause] Now for a job well done... here is a flower full of sweet nectar.
Sheldon: Why would I want that?
Professor Ericson: Because you're a butterfly and this is just your dream.
Sheldon: I'm not a butterfly.
Professor Ericson: Are you sure? [laughs]
[Sheldon wakes up:]
Sheldon: It was a dream. Oh, no. [camera pans out] Help! I'm a butterfly! Nothing I know is real! Everything is a dream! Missy, help! [Missy holds a fly swatter] No!
[Sheldon wakes up:]
Sheldon: Missy, am I awake or is this a dream?
Missy: Shut up, dingus.
Sheldon: Okay, I'm awake.

Rabbi Schneiderman: Can I ask how your parents feel about this?
Sheldon: Well, when I presented them with my plan, the words "over my dead body" were used.
Rabbi Schneiderman: [chuckles] I'm not surprised.
Sheldon: But they were similarly resistant when I wanted to get an ant farm and eventually they came around.
Rabbi Schneiderman: All right, here's what I'm gonna tell you to do. Read your Bible.
Sheldon: Already did, cover to cover.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Really?
Sheldon: Quiz me.
Rabbi Schneiderman: No, that's okay, I believe you. All right, my advice to you is to stay with the faith of your parents.
Sheldon: What else you got?
Rabbi Schneiderman: Okay. Then I'm gonna tell you to be your own man.
Sheldon: But I want to be a great scientist like Albert Einstein.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Sheldon, when your days are over, God will never ask you, "Why weren't you Einstein?" But he might ask you, "Why weren't you Sheldon?"

Meemaw: John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello.
Meemaw: What- What're you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: I was doing tai chi and then I realized that I was continually being bombarded by subatomic particles and it behooves me, perhaps, to pay slightly closer attention to them. Maybe "chi" is the ancient Chinese word for the subatomic universe.
Meemaw: You're scaring me, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, there's nothing to be scared of. Tomorrow, somebody will win the Nobel Prize about these particles not me. But I'm experiencing them firsthand [LAUGHS] which could be better.
Meemaw: Why don't you come down and experience them on the floor?
Dr. John Sturgis: I think I just felt a neutrino. [LAUGHING] You know, neutrinos are interesting. They never bond with anything, they're always alone. I think that one went right through my pants.
Meemaw: All right, why don't we go downstairs, and I'll fix us both a nice cup of hot tea and you can tell me all about it. Please?
Dr. John Sturgis: Okay. It was my dream to win the Nobel, and I'm not going to. I bet Sheldon will.
Meemaw: That'll be something.
Dr. John Sturgis: Yeah.

Sheldon: Mom, I was going through our expenditures and noticed our grocery bills are up 12% compared to last quarter. Any idea why?
George: There's a person at the end of the table that eats for free.
Meemaw: There's a person at the other end of the table that eats for three.

Sheldon: Uh-oh.
Missy: What?
Sheldon: Listen to this. "French philosopher, mathematician and physicist, Blaise Pascal, argued a rational person should believe God exists because you have everything to gain if you're right, and nothing to lose if you're wrong."
Missy: Sounds right.

Sheldon: Mom, I know what I want to do for spring break. What happened to your face?
Mr. Lundy: Told you, people take notice.
Mary: This is for my new job.
Sheldon: Is your new job fighting Batman? Because you look like The Joker.

[Church board says "Jesus Exorcises Every Day."]
Sheldon: Did you write that?
Mary: You betcha.
Sheldon: Instead of puns, have you considered composing a humorous palindrome? It's a phrase that reads the same backwards as forwards. For example, "Do geese see God?" Trust me. Both ways.
Mary: Come inside.
Sheldon: Some other good ones are radar, level, kayak. That's a funny word. Kayak. Never get me in one.

Sheldon: My parents are being completely unreasonable. They won't even let me drop out of school. And even after I told them that Bill Gates and Steve Jobs both dropped out of college.
Dr. John Sturgis: What did they say?
Sheldon: They said, "We don't care what your friends do, you're not dropping out."
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, Sheldon, I know it's disappointing, but, uh, I think they just have your best interests at heart.
Sheldon: They said that, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: And for every Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, there's a Paul Labiscous.
Sheldon: Who's that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Exactly.

Dr. John Sturgis: Your feelings are understandable. Connie is a remarkable woman.
Ira Rosenbloom: Yes, she is. But, again, I'm sorry. I should never have called you weird. I mean, eh, it was rude.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've been called much worse. A professor once called me ostrobogulous. I had to look that one up.
Ira Rosenbloom: What's it mean?
Dr. John Sturgis: That I'm a weirdo.

Sheldon: Missy and I broke a lot of rules the other night, and we've received no punishment.
George: [sighs] Buddy, it's been a rough week. We're just glad you're both safe.
Sheldon: But in the absence of a divine being, society's rules are what keeps a person's morality in check.
George: Well, there you go.
Sheldon: No, y-you're not following me. If actions have no repercussions, society breaks down, everything devolves into chaos.
George: You might be overthinking this.
Sheldon: I thought so, too. Then I thought about it, and I'm not.
George: Sheldon, you had one bad night. Just let it go.
Sheldon: But... I did something wrong and I got away with it. That's not okay.
George: Buddy...
Sheldon: Socrates maintained that the man who lies to himself has an enemy living within. He's not even a person. He's just a chaos of selfish desires wrapped in an animal hide.