Mary: Sheldon, faith means believing in something you can't know for sure is real. And right now, I am struggling with that.
Sheldon: So you don't believe in God anymore?
Mary: That isn't something for you to worry about. I need to figure this out myself.
Sheldon: Can I help? Maybe I could provide a fresh perspective.
Mary: I don't think so, baby.
Sheldon: Did you know that if gravity were slightly more powerful, the universe would collapse into a ball?
Mary: I did not.
Sheldon: Also, if gravity were slightly less powerful, the universe would fly apart and there would be no stars or planets.
Mary: Where you going with this, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It's just that gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be. And if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn't one percent, life wouldn't exist. What are the odds that would happen all by itself?
Mary: Why are you trying to convince me to believe in God? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon: I don't, but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there's a creator.
Mary: Baby, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but logic is here. And my problem is here.
Sheldon: Well, there are 5 billion people on this planet and you're the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?

Principal Petersen: Our next young speaker needs no introduction, but that didn't stop him from writing one and making me read it. [laughter] "Fun fact." [audience groans, murmurs] I hear you. "The word 'valedictorian' is from the Latin 'valedicere,' meaning 'to say farewell.' It is primarily used in the United States, Canada, the Philippines and Armenia." Maybe that fact's more fun in Armenia. Please welcome your valedictorian, Sheldon Cooper.
Mary: Yay, Shelly!
Sheldon: Hello. I'm not very comfortable speaking in front of crowds. But there's a technique to reduce stage fright by focusing on one person in the audience and delivering your speech just to them. That's what I'll be doing today. If it weren't for this person, I wouldn't be here right now. They've taught me a lot, and it's by their example that I found the courage to move forward into this new and exciting chapter of my life. Missy... ...this is for you. Change can be scary, but I know we're going to be fine... ...because like you said, "It's okay to be scared. We just have to do it anyway." So if any of my fellow graduates are nervous about the future, know that you're not alone. I suggest you all try to be as brave as my twin sister. That's my plan. Missy, I wish I could give you advice about middle school, but I was so smart, I skipped it. If you make it to high school, we'll talk. Thank you. [applause]

Sheldon: Uh-oh.
Missy: What?
Sheldon: Listen to this. "French philosopher, mathematician and physicist, Blaise Pascal, argued a rational person should believe God exists because you have everything to gain if you're right, and nothing to lose if you're wrong."
Missy: Sounds right.

Mary: It's not just bookkeeping. I'd be in charge of handling the maintenance issues you know, plumbing, electric, what have you. And I'd also head the planning committee for all the social events, which, of course, includes the big three: baptisms, weddings, funerals. And here is the cherry on top. The sign in front of the church with all the clever sayings-
George Sr.: "Be an organ donor, give your heart to Jesus"?
Mary: Exactly. Guess whose job it would be to write those.
George Sr.: Yours.
Mary: Already working on a couple. Listen to this. "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
George Sr.: What?
Mary: You know, be one. Like be a Christian. And also B1 the vitamin.
George Sr.: Well, now that you explained it, it's funny.
Mary: Yeah. Might be a thinker. But there's a lot more where that came from.

Sheldon: So none of you can help me?
Albert Einstein: I believe I can. Sheldon, if I was offered a choice between all the knowledge of the universe or the endless pursuit of it, I would choose the pursuit.
Sheldon: That's very insightful.
Richard Feynman: Hold it, hold it... He didn't come up with that! He stole it from Gotthold Lessing.
Professor Proton: Who's-who's Gotthold Lessing?
Cyndi Lauper: [v.o.] He's an 18th century German philosopher. Now do you mind? We girls are trying to have some fun over here.
Einstein: Apologies.
Richard Feynman: Sorry, Cyndi Lauper.
Stephen Hawking: Our bad.
Professor Proton: I-I like fun.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, what brings you here?
Sheldon: Well, I did something wrong, and yet I've received no punishment. What's my incentive to behave morally if the rules of society aren't being enforced?
Dr. John Sturgis: Reminds me of the Ring of Gyges.
Sheldon: I'm not familiar with the Ring of Gyges.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, it's a delightful brainteaser. Plato asked the question: If you could wear a ring that made you invisible, what would prevent you from committing the most horrendous crimes?
Sheldon: Sounds an awful lot like the Ring of Sauron in The Lord of the Rings.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I'm not familiar with The Lord of the Rings.
Sheldon: Oh, it's a delightful series of fantasy books in which there's a ring that makes the wearer invisible but also leads to moral corruption.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ooh. Perhaps you should read Plato, and I should read The Lord of the Rings.
Sheldon: You should really start with The Hobbit.
Dr. John Sturgis: What's a hobbit?
Sheldon: It's a race of short humanoids who live in burrows and have hairy feet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I've been called that. But I never knew what it was.

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] We often regret the things we don't say. There's a lot of things I wish I had said to my dad while he was around. That I appreciated him. That I loved him. Which is why I'm grateful for the times I did tell him how I felt.
Sheldon: Tonight was fun.
George Sr.: Yeah? Why is that?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis was here. Everybody talked about science. It was nice.
George Sr.: It was.

George Sr.: I'm guessing you're mad at me.
Meemaw: Aw, forget about it.
George Sr.: I appreciate you not ratting me out about the picnic.
Meemaw: Well, we had a deal. Besides, your marriage is already hanging by a thread.
George Sr.: It is dangling there. All right, well, I'm gonna turn in. Good night.
Meemaw: Night!
[Meemaw phones Mary:]
Mary: Hello?
Meemaw: So, get a load of this. Last church picnic, your husband snuck in a six-pack, polished off the whole thing, then went to wait in line for the bathroom-
George Sr.: Hey. You got an extra toothbrush?
Meemaw: Under the sink, darlin'.
George Sr.: Thanks.
Meemaw: You got it. [returning to the phone call:] So then the big gorilla decides he doesn't want to wait in line, so he stumbles over to the church vegetable garden and proceeds to irrigate the whole damn thing.
Mary: I've eaten those vegetables.
Meemaw: Sweet dreams. [LAUGHS]

[Church board says "Jesus Exorcises Every Day."]
Sheldon: Did you write that?
Mary: You betcha.
Sheldon: Instead of puns, have you considered composing a humorous palindrome? It's a phrase that reads the same backwards as forwards. For example, "Do geese see God?" Trust me. Both ways.
Mary: Come inside.
Sheldon: Some other good ones are radar, level, kayak. That's a funny word. Kayak. Never get me in one.

Sheldon: Now we need to put in a name before we start.
Meemaw: What are you thinking?
Sheldon: We should combine the letters in our two names, Sheldon and Meemaw.
Meemaw: Like, uh, ShelMaw?
Sheldon: No, using all the letters, like Emelda Showmen.
Meemaw: Did you just do that in your head?
Sheldon: Yes, why?
Meemaw: Never mind, just put it down.

Adult Sheldon: You probably think of quantum physics as a white-knuckle rush of adrenaline, like the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland. But the reality can be a little less exciting, especially when you're stuck. [clock ticking] [lights humming] [water bubbles]
Dr. Linkletter: We'll get this.
Sheldon: Perhaps a set of fresh eyes could be helpful.
Dr. Linkletter: If you're going to suggest Dr. Sturgis, I should remind you we have a complicated history.
[flashback:]
Dr. John Sturgis: And your graviton research is mediocre at best!
Dr. Linkletter: You're not qualified to judge my work.
Dr. John Sturgis: All right, that's it. [they shove each other]
[present:]
Sheldon: We'll get this.

Sam: This is so unfair. You get so much more than every other student.
Sheldon: Fair isn't everyone getting the same thing. Fair is everyone getting what they deserve.
Sam: Sheldon, that arrogant attitude is why no one sits with you in class or lunch or ever.
Sheldon: Well, I like to think that they're maintaining a respectful distance out of deference to my intellect.
Sam: No. That's not what they're doing. They're avoiding you because you're an entitled brat who thinks that you're better than everybody else.
Sheldon: So, I should just pretend I'm less intelligent than I am?
Sam: You should realize that there are more important things in life than how smart you are.
Sheldon: Well, I'm also cute as a button, but it seems shallow to say it. [an exasperated Sam walks away] You could say it.

Sheldon: Ooh, this is interesting. According to Socrates, all knowledge exists within the student and just needs to be drawn out through skillful questioning.
Tam: Are you saying I knew that before you even said it?
Sheldon: I don't know, did you?
Tam: Well, according to Socrates, you do know and the answer's inside you.
Sheldon: Well, then, ask me a skillful question to draw it out.
Tam: Do you know if I knew before I knew?
Sheldon: No.
Tam: Hey, it works.
Sheldon: It does.

George Sr.: You mind putting down my kid?
Clint Watson: We were just playing around.
Veronica: This is my mom's boyfriend, Clint.
George Sr.: Hello, Clint. What can we do for you?
Clint Watson: I'm here to pick up Veronica. Come on.
George Sr.: You want to go with this man?
Veronica: No, sir.
George Sr.: You heard her. Thanks for stopping by.
Clint Watson: You really want to mess with me?
George Sr.: Sure. Why not?
[THUDDING OUTSIDE]
Mary: What's going on out there?
George Sr.: You might want to call the police.
Mary: Why?
George Sr.: There's a bum sleeping on our front porch.

Sheldon: Go get me a beer, woman.
Paige: What?
Sheldon: It infuriates my mom when my dad says it.
Paige: Sheldon, stop. You can't upset me.
Sheldon: Why not?
Paige: Because there are things in my life that are way worse than anything that you can come up with.
Sheldon: You mean your parents splitting up.
Paige: Obviously.
Sheldon: I think I know how to irritate you. I bet you think the divorce is all your fault and now your family is torn apart forever. Did I do it? Did I get under your skin? [Paige clenches her first]

Sheldon: Missy and I broke a lot of rules the other night, and we've received no punishment.
George Sr.: [sighs] Buddy, it's been a rough week. We're just glad you're both safe.
Sheldon: But in the absence of a divine being, society's rules are what keeps a person's morality in check.
George Sr.: Well, there you go.
Sheldon: No, y-you're not following me. If actions have no repercussions, society breaks down, everything devolves into chaos.
George Sr.: You might be overthinking this.
Sheldon: I thought so, too. Then I thought about it, and I'm not.
George Sr.: Sheldon, you had one bad night. Just let it go.
Sheldon: But... I did something wrong and I got away with it. That's not okay.
George Sr.: Buddy...
Sheldon: Socrates maintained that the man who lies to himself has an enemy living within. He's not even a person. He's just a chaos of selfish desires wrapped in an animal hide.

Sheldon: This isn't the Hello Kitty store.
Paige: No. It's Hot Topic.
Sheldon: What's the topic, devil worship?
Missy: Hey, did you know there's a bow tie section in the back?
Sheldon: Why would they hide that in the back? [exits]

Sheldon: When does the truck bring the papers?
George Jr.: When it does.
Sheldon: That's a tautology.
George Jr.: What?
Sheldon: A tautology. A statement that's true, but uninformative. Hey, you're supposed to be the one teaching me. That's funny.

Professor Boucher: For your design assignment, you may decide between suspension bridges, truss bridges, beam bridges, just not Beau Bridges. [silence] And people say engineers don't have a sense of humor. [Sheldon raises his hand] Yes?
Sheldon: What are Beau Bridges?
Professor Boucher: That's all for today.

Sheldon: Oh, I couldn't tell you how much to give. But I can tell you the Stuckeys stepped up for a thousand dollars. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, you need to give what's comfortable for you. And of course, I don't need to remind you, it's entirely tax deductible. [Missy whispers in Sheldon's ear] And at the next pancake breakfast, you can hold your head high. Thank you.
That's very generous. Goodbye. [hangs up phone] The pancake line closed it.
Missy: We are so going to heaven.