Pastor Jeff: Okay, now our next baptism is for Sheldon Lee Cooper, our soon-to-be brother in Christ. And, personally, this is a big get for me.

Caltech Professor: You lost?
Sheldon: No. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
["Walk of Life" by Dire Straits plays]

Georgie: I think the saddest part about it is just how sad it is.

Meemaw: I'm Sheldon Cooper's grandmother and, uh, I need to take him out of school today.
Diane: Sure. What's the reason?
Meemaw: His Aunt Emelda's not doing well, and has asked to see him 'fore she goes.
Diane: Oh, I am so sorry. Does she want to see his older brother also?
Meemaw: Nah. She doesn't like him as much.

Sheldon: Unbelievable. It's either cartoons or men in their underwear banging their heads together.
Ricky: You complain a lot.
Sheldon: Excuse me?
Ricky: Seriously, dude, you need to relax.
Sheldon: How can I relax? I'm being held captive in a bacterial playground.

Meemaw: You just need a new hobby.
Sheldon: Very well. What are yours?
Meemaw: Smoking, drinking and gambling. But we can find you something almost as fun.

Mary: Sheldon, who are you talking to?
Sheldon: Dorothy Fitzpatrick.
Mary: Who's Dorothy Fitzpatrick? Is she a new buddy from school?
Sheldon: She's the loan officer at The First National Bank of Medford.
Mary: Why are you talking to her?
Sheldon: Mom, can this wait? I'm trying to negotiate favorable terms. Hello, Dorothy? [Mary hangs up]

Mary: Wait, Georgie. Where's your bag?
Georgie: Don't need one. Got my toothbrush right here.
Mary: What about clothes? A change of underwear?
Georgie: Got it.
Mary: Georgie, you're gonna be gone for two days.
Georgie: I'll turn them inside out.

Sheldon: Dad, do you believe that fossils are millions of years old?
George: I guess. Why?
Sheldon: Well, Mom believes the world was only created 6,000 years ago.
George: Yeah. So?
Sheldon: Are these differences a sticking point in your marriage?
George: Not at all.
Sheldon: Why?
George: Simple. We never talk about it.
Sheldon: So you just avoid discussing topics you don't agree on?
George: At all costs.

Mary: Georgie, if you want to be a good Christian, maybe you should stop lying through your teeth.
Georgie: Just be happy I brushed them, okay

Adult Sheldon: Jane Goodall had to go to Africa to study apes. I just had to go to dinner.

George: You don't always win in life, he needs to learn that.
Mary: I know, but these are big feelings for a little boy.
George: They're feelings everybody has. It's part of growing up.
Mary: I guess.
Sheldon: Poodle poop!
Meemaw: Okay. Somebody's got to teach this kid to swear, it's embarrassing.

Sheldon: Per the student dress and grooming code, this boy's hair is too long. This boy's wearing sports attire outside a designated area. And this girl's blouse is diaphanous, which means I can see her brassiere.

Dr. Hodges: Now, what I thought would be fun to talk about today is what NASA's planning on doing beyond the Space Shuttle. Things like the first manned mission to Mars. Uh, yeah?
Georgie: Did you see the movie Aliens?
Dr. Hodges: I did.
Georgie: Did you think it was cool?
Dr. Hodges: Uh, sure, I enjoyed it.
Georgie: Me, too.
Dr. Hodges: Football player, right?
Georgie: Yes, sir.

Adult Sheldon: People often wonder why I chose to pursue a career in theoretical physics. I usually respond by saying I wanted to unravel the inner workings of the universe. But the real answer was I wanted to prove this nincompoop wrong.