Meemaw: Listen, why don't you let me talk to Brenda, and just smooth things out?
Mary: Why do you think she'll listen to you?
Meemaw: Because people like me more than you.
Mary: People like me.
Meemaw: I didn't say they don't, they just like me more.

George Sr.: What do you mean you quit?
Sheldon: It was beneath me.
George Sr.: You need to learn there's nothing wrong with a little hard work.
Sheldon: Hard work is calculating neutrino properties to one percent accuracy. Anyone can wash bolts.
George Sr.: You begged him for that job.
Sheldon: I assumed he'd realize the value of my intellect and put it to good use.
George Sr.: Hang on. You made a commitment. When you say you're gonna do something, you do it.
Sheldon: Well, he could find someone else.
George Sr.: Doesn't matter. This is about you being a man of your word.
Adult Sheldon: I wanted to point out that I couldn't be a man of my word, since I hadn't hit puberty, but he seemed pretty grouchy.

Dr. Linkletter: You're wasting valuable time.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm not, you are.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, if we could please keep this train on the tracks...
Dr. Linkletter: We'll be on track if we follow my plan, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist.
Dr. John Sturgis: Insist? You're not the alpha dog around here.
Sheldon: I agree.
Dr. Linkletter: This may be hard for both of you to hear, but President Hagemeyer put me in charge.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know for a fact that isn't true, because she put me in charge.
Sheldon: We may have a problem.
[cut to Sheldon, Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter in President Hagemeyer's office:]
President Hagemeyer: What can I say? I tried something. [laughs softly]

Dr. John Sturgis: The free-streaming length of the axion is too long. It'll erase the fluctuations.
Dr. Linkletter: You're completely forgetting that it is nonrelativistic dark matter.
Dr. John Sturgis: You'll never have the resolution to see microkelvin features.
Dr. Linkletter: I think your brain is as smooth as the top of your head.
Dr. John Sturgis: Low blow, Grant.
Sheldon: He's right, gentlemen, let's keep it to science.
Dr. John Sturgis: You'll never have the resolution to see microkelvin features.

Ms. Hutchins: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Ms. Hutchins: You get that test problem sorted out?
Sheldon: No, I'm afraid Dr. Sturgis and I are still at a math impasse.
Ms. Hutchins: Oh, I hate those.

George Sr.: Georgie, we need to talk.
George Jr.: What now?
George Sr.: You're of an age where your body has urges.
George Jr.: Oh, my God!
Meemaw: Georgie, you need to hear this.
George Jr.: From both of you?
George Sr.: W-Well, who do you want to hear it from?
George Jr.: No one. But if I got to pick, I guess you.
Meemaw: Good choice. Don't forget to tell him about venereal disease.

Sheldon: I've never operated a fork with my left hand before. I hope this goes well.
George Jr.: When my buddy Mikey got the cast off his leg, you would not believe how skinny and smelly it was. Like beef jerky with toes.

Dr. Linkletter: [answers phone] Grant Linkletter.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, Sheldon Cooper. I need your help reporting an academic crime.
Dr. Linkletter: Sounds serious.
Sheldon: It is. That's why I'm using my serious voice.
Dr. Linkletter: Then I'll use mine as well. [deeper] What's going on?

Sheldon: And then, at exactly nine o'clock, he locked the doors and wouldn't let any latecomers in.
Mary: That seems a little harsh.
Sheldon: He's so intolerant. It's fantastic. He also wears a bow tie, and instead of using my name, he gave me a number.
Mary: I don't think I like that, either.
Sheldon: No, it's great. It's like we're robots. And guess what my number is.
George Jr.: Number two? [Missy snickers]
Sheldon: No, number one, like Riker on Star Trek. But number two is also good. Like the pencil.

George Sr.: Done. I made 'em sit on the floor.
Meemaw: Smart. Nobody ever got pregnant on the floor. Have you had the talk with that boy?
George Sr.: Of course.
Meemaw: Really? What'd you say?
George Sr.: You know, the stuff you know, a father says when he has a talk with his son.
Meemaw: Good Lord. Did you tell him about protection?
George Sr.: Oh, come on, Connie.
Meemaw: Well, it's important. What if he knocks that poor girl up and ruins her life?
George Sr.: Is that a swipe at me?
Meemaw: Well, it depends. Did you knock up my daughter and ruin her life? Wait. I know the answer.

Dr. John Sturgis: This is wonderful. Did you know the term "dive bar" originated because many establishments were below street level, and patrons had to essentially dive down to enter them.
George Sr.: Didn't know that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, now you do.

Ira Rosenbloom: Let me get this straight. Your boyfriend comes home from the mental hospital, he dumps you, and he suggests that you go out with me?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Ira Rosenbloom: Sounds like a spite date.
Meemaw: Well, gosh, when you say it like that, doesn't sound great.
Ira Rosenbloom: No.No, no, I'm fine with it. I just I want to make sure I got everything right.
Meemaw: Hospital, dumped, spite. You got it.
Ira Rosenbloom: All right. I hear the creamed spinach is terrific.

Sheldon: I did it. Missy, I did it!
Missy: [groans] What?
Sheldon: I slept through the night.
Missy: What time is it?
Sheldon: 6:14.
Missy: This is why people hate you.
Adult Sheldon: My sister's crankiness did not dampen my enthusiasm. A chicken may have fractured my arm, but nothing could break my can-do spirit.

Mary: Thank you, Lord, for this little boy.
Sheldon: I knew I could fix it.
Mary: [LAUGHS] Maybe it was you and the Lord.
Adult Sheldon: I don't like sharing credit, but I knew in that moment it wasn't the appropriate time to say it.

Pastor Jeff:And Jacob said: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
Sheldon: Is this an appropriate time to mention that John 1:18 says, "No man hath seen God at any time." Who's right? Jacob or John?
Mary: Let's talk about it in the car.
[Meemaw raises her hand]
Pastor Jeff: Yes, Connie?
Meemaw: My grandson has a question. Let 'er rip, kid.

Sheldon: "If you were not covered by a retirement plan, but your spouse was, see the worksheet on page 14." Try and stop me.

Mary: I've been buying groceries for the church food drive. I think that's it.
Sheldon: Ooh, I bet I could write that off, including the gas it took to drive to the grocery store and then to the church.
George Sr.: With all that driving, maybe she can count her car as a home office.
Sheldon: Sounds aggressive, but I like how you're thinking.

Sheldon: I balanced the rest of the account, and it appears to be a check for $300.
George Sr.: All right, well, let's just put it down for $300 for miscellaneous.
Sheldon: I've never labeled anything miscellaneous in my life.

George Sr.: What do you say we keep this quiet?
Sheldon: You mean like a secret?
George Sr.: No, no, just, you know, something between you and me.
Sheldon: What about Mom?
George Sr.: Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
Sheldon: What if Mom needs to know?
George Sr.: Okay, it's a secret. Just trust me. It is better for everyone if she doesn't know about this.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping secrets.
George Sr.: It's not hard. Just keep your mouth shut.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut.

Adult Sheldon: There was only so much food I could eat, so I started avoiding my mother whenever possible.
George Sr.: [OPENING A CUPBOARD AND FINDING SHELDON] What are you doing in there?
Sheldon: [WHISPERING] Keeping your secret.
George Sr.: You got to pull it together.
Sheldon: This is me pulling it together.
George Sr.: Pull harder.