Mary: Okay, let's go over it one more time. House key's under the plastic owl by the front door. There's after-school snacks in the fridge. One for each of you. Emergency numbers are right there by the phone. First aid kit is in the hall closet. And you won't be needing it, but under the kitchen sink is a fire extinguisher.
Missy: Ooh, that looks fun.
Mary: For fires only, and don't be starting one just to use it.
Missy: It's like she can read my mind.

Sheldon: [WHISPERING] Let's make this quick.
Missy: Why are you whispering?
Sheldon: That's how people speak when they're being naughty.
Missy: I wouldn't know. I'm naughty all the time.

Mary: And you are not to bring filth like this into our house again.
Missy: That's not fair. Sheldon reads dirty stuff all the time, and you don't say anything.
Mary: He does not.
Missy: Check out the comic book on his desk.
Mary: What? Oh, my goodness. Oh. Oh, my. Hold on. No. No. Th-This blue man's backside is all over the place.
Missy: On page 112, you get to see his front side.

Sheldon: "If you were not covered by a retirement plan, but your spouse was, see the worksheet on page 14." Try and stop me.

Ms. Hutchins: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Ms. Hutchins: You get that test problem sorted out?
Sheldon: No, I'm afraid Dr. Sturgis and I are still at a math impasse.
Ms. Hutchins: Oh, I hate those.

Sheldon: My first bathroom attempt. Let's hope this goes well.
Mary: Let me know if you need help.
Sheldon: I think I'll be okay. It's just number one.
Mary: I'm here if you need me.
[After Sheldon closes the bathroom door:]
Sheldon: [o.s.] Mom, I can't get my zipper down!
Mary: I'm coming.
Adult Sheldon: I am not saying my mother and I had a codependent relationship.
Sheldon: [o.s.] Mom, I can't get my zipper up!
Mary: I'm on my way!
Adult Sheldon: But she did have a tendency to baby me, and boy howdy, was I okay with that.

President Hagemeyer: But I thought you wanted Dr. Sturgis on this project.
Dr. Linkletter: I'll admit John has been useful, but now he's just slowing us down.
President Hagemeyer: Well, he keeps Sheldon happy, and when Sheldon's happy, he's not in this office.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, but when he's not in your office, he's in my office.
President Hagemeyer: Eh, "dem's da breaks." [chuckles]

Mary: Thank you, Lord, for this little boy.
Sheldon: I knew I could fix it.
Mary: [LAUGHS] Maybe it was you and the Lord.
Adult Sheldon: I don't like sharing credit, but I knew in that moment it wasn't the appropriate time to say it.

Adult Sheldon: And finally, I had to apologize to my meemaw, who was an unfortunate victim of my sister's treasure hunt.

[fantasy:]
Dr. John Sturgis: [Southern accent] To us, it'd be as normal as boots on a cowboy.
George Jr.: That is wild.
Missy: Dr. Sturgis is correct. If indeed we grew up in another universe, our sense of normality would be formed by that universe.
George Sr.: That's enough. There are no other universes. The Bible tells us God created the Earth, not the Earths.
Mary: Ugh, why did I have to marry a preacher?
George Sr.: Because it was God's will to bless us with union.
Mary: I hope it's his plan that I hit the clubs tonight, 'cause that's gonna happen. [laughs]
Sheldon: Why am I the only normal one in this family?
Missy: If you're the only normal one, statistically speaking, you're abnormal.
George Jr.: [chuckles] Freak.

Sheldon: I've never operated a fork with my left hand before. I hope this goes well.
George Jr.: When my buddy Mikey got the cast off his leg, you would not believe how skinny and smelly it was. Like beef jerky with toes.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Dr. Sturgis has stolen my work and is using it in his own paper.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, that's quite the allegation.
Sheldon: It's not an allegation; it's a fact. He was getting enormous masses for his neutrinos, and I showed him how to fix it, but now he's refusing to list me as a coauthor.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I think he has a point.
Sheldon: Is the "he" in that sentence me? Because that is a strange way to phrase it.
Dr. Linkletter: No, the "he" is him. I don't play games with sentence structure.

Dr. John Sturgis: May I come in?
Sheldon: I guess.
Dr. John Sturgis: I looked over your work again and, uh, the math was correct.
Sheldon: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: You were right and I was, uh, wrong. Sorry I doubted you.
Sheldon: Wow. It must be really hard for you to admit that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, yes. But, uh, I thought it could be a learning opportunity for you.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Dr. John Sturgis: I wanted to show you that being wrong is not the end of the world.
Sheldon: Oh, okay. Thank you.

Meemaw: Come on, and bring that bucket of chicken out of there.
Missy: [o.s.] No, we're not eating it. What if it was Matilda's friend?
Meemaw: Honey, that one's from Kentucky. They didn't know each other.

Dr. John Sturgis: The free-streaming length of the axion is too long. It'll erase the fluctuations.
Dr. Linkletter: You're completely forgetting that it is nonrelativistic dark matter.
Dr. John Sturgis: You'll never have the resolution to see microkelvin features.
Dr. Linkletter: I think your brain is as smooth as the top of your head.
Dr. John Sturgis: Low blow, Grant.
Sheldon: He's right, gentlemen, let's keep it to science.
Dr. John Sturgis: You'll never have the resolution to see microkelvin features.

Sheldon: How may I assist you today?
Dr. Linkletter: Follow me.
Sheldon: Should I look over your notes? Would you like me to double-check your math?
Dr. Linkletter: See these bolts? Scrub the grease off.
Sheldon: But there's hundreds of them.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. That's where you come in.
Sheldon: Surely there's a better use of my intellect.
Dr. Linkletter: Son, we're building a solar neutrino detector. If you don't want the job, there's the door.
Sheldon: No, I want it.
Dr. Linkletter: Good man.
Sheldon: [sighs] Although that door does look tempting.

Pastor Jeff:And Jacob said: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
Sheldon: Is this an appropriate time to mention that John 1:18 says, "No man hath seen God at any time." Who's right? Jacob or John?
Mary: Let's talk about it in the car.
[Meemaw raises her hand]
Pastor Jeff: Yes, Connie?
Meemaw: My grandson has a question. Let 'er rip, kid.

Pastor Jeff: So, shall we get to the business at hand?
Mary: Obviously, we're... mortified by Missy's behavior.
George Sr.: Even though it sounds like that punk had it coming.
Pastor Jeff: While his words were out of line, it brings us to the bigger issue, which is... people are talking about Georgie.
George Sr.: Bunch of holy rollers with no lives.

Dr. Linkletter: [answers phone] Grant Linkletter.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, Sheldon Cooper. I need your help reporting an academic crime.
Dr. Linkletter: Sounds serious.
Sheldon: It is. That's why I'm using my serious voice.
Dr. Linkletter: Then I'll use mine as well. [deeper] What's going on?

Ira Rosenbloom: I got to tell you, this is an unexpected surprise.
Meemaw: Here's to surprises.
Ira Rosenbloom: 'Cause last I heard, you and John were still going out.
Meemaw: Well, now I'm not, and I'm here with you, so let's not talk about him.
Ira Rosenbloom: Ooh. Sounds like this breakup is a little fresh.
Meemaw: Yeah, it was pretty recent.
Ira Rosenbloom: What, like, a week? Month?
Meemaw: Literally as I was calling you.
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, I'm glad that I was the first person that came to mind.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Actually, you were his idea.
Ira Rosenbloom: Still glad.