George Sr.: What are you doing?
Brenda Sparks: What do you mean?
George Sr.: [scoffs] You know what I mean.
Brenda Sparks: I was just trying to thank you. And you're the one who offered to come over here and fix things.
George Sr.: I was being nice.
Brenda Sparks: So was I.
George Sr.: Yeah, maybe a little too nice.
Brenda Sparks: There is no pleasing you.
George Sr.: Well, I don't need this here. I can get fighting at my house.
Brenda Sparks: Then maybe you should go back to your house.
Billy Sparks: [o.s.] Mom, can you help with my homework?
Brenda Sparks: There in a sec. [to George] You leaving?
George Sr.: You gonna fix the toilet?
Brenda Sparks: No.
George Sr.: Then I guess I'm not leaving.
Brenda Sparks: Thank you. Lasagna?
George Sr.: Small piece. Mary's making tacos.

Mary: And if you're gonna take naps in your dorm, you might want an alarm clock.
George Sr.: And remember, no parties. [Sheldon is silent] That was a joke.
Sheldon: And now I know.

George Sr.: Hey, you better appreciate what you got. There's a lot of kids out there who have way less than you.
Missy: I guess.
George Sr.: You have your own room. I never had that growing up. And then I was in the barracks, and then I married your mother.
Missy: Dang. [chuckles]
George Sr.: Yeah. Tell me about it.
Mary: What happened to appreciating what you have?
George Sr.: Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah.

Missy: Can we watch 90210?
George Sr.: What's that?
Missy: It's about kids who go to school in Beverly Hills.
George Sr.: [groans] If you want to see a show about Beverly Hills, we should watch Beverly Hillbillies. [chuckles] That's a show.
Missy: What's it about?
George Sr.: Eh... Imagine your meemaw moving to California.
Missy: I'd watch that.

George Sr.: I think I might know why those kids want to use his room.
Mary: Well, he said for studying.
George Sr.: They ain't studying.
Missy: Oh, now it makes sense.
Mary: You really think they're...
George Sr.: A bunch of college kids in an empty dorm room?
Mary: [sighs] Should we tell him?
George Sr.: I don't want to tell him. Do you?
Missy: I'll tell him.
Mary: No.
George Sr.: Oh, hang on, she volunteered.
Mary: No.

Mary: Last chance. You can still come chaperone.
George Sr.: Hmm. All night in a church with a bunch of other people's kids.
Mary: And Pastor Jeff and Pastor Rob.
George Sr.: Ooh, two pastors? Well, that is hard to say no to, but let me give it a shot. No.
Mary: Your loss. Missy, tell Billy we're leaving in minutes!
Missy: [o.s.] Okay!
George Sr.: Billy's going, too, huh?
Mary: Yeah, of course.
George Sr.: And Brenda gonna chaperone?
Mary: She was less interested than you.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Oh, there's no way she's less interested than me.

Mary: Guess who I ran into at the grocery store. Mr. Lundy.
Missy: Ugh, the weird theater guy?
Mary: He's not weird.
Sheldon: He's also a teacher, realtor, choreographer, ooh, and local celebrity.
Mary: He's actually not doing that stuff now. He is selling makeup. He's even got one of those pink Cadillacs.
George Sr.: Driving a pink car in Texas. Bold choice.

Sheldon: And the best news is it's only a four-and-a-half-hour bus ride away.
George Sr.: So you want me to ride on a bus for hours with a bunch of kids to a comic book convention?
Sheldon: It's mostly adults. Many are in costumes.
George Sr.: No.

George Sr.: [sighs heavily] Apparently, the football boosters think I'm not doing my job. Just 'cause they give a little money to the team...
Coach Wilkins: A lot of money.
George Sr.: They give some amount of money to the team.
Coach Wilkins: And the new scoreboard.
George Sr.: Okay. But I-I give my time, my talent, my sweat. You see any boosters out there doing two-a-day summer practice?
Coach Wilkins: I do not.
George Sr.: Damn right. If they really want to help, you know what they could do? Give birth to stronger, faster kids, 'cause theirs ain't cutting it.
Coach Wilkins: You know you're gonna have to talk to them, right?
George Sr.: [exhales] Yes.
Coach Wilkins: And you know you can't say that stuff about their kids, right?
George Sr.: Well, what if it comes up organically?
Coach Wilkins: Maybe I should come.
George Sr.: [scoffs] I'm not gonna insult their children.
Coach Wilkins: You sure?
George Sr.: Okay, come.

George Sr.: Where's the coffee?
George Jr.: I finished it.
George Sr.: When you finish a pot, you're supposed to make more.
Mary: Oh, is that the rule?
George Sr.: It is for him. Why are you reading my paper?
George Jr.: Well, pardon me for keeping up on events of the day.
George Sr.: Tomorrow's headline: Father Strangles Son.
George Jr.: Good luck. My horoscope says "things are looking up."

George Sr.: You never get any glory without a little pain. I know we've had our share lately, but we've got the pieces in place for next year. With your support, we're gonna make it happen.
Coach Wilkins: I think we can agree that our boys are in good hands here. So thanks for coming out. [claps] Go, Wolves.
Roy: I got a question.
George Sr.: Go ahead, Roy.
Roy: That game against Tyler. What in the hell were you thinking punting with a minute twenty-four on the clock?
Coach Wilkins: That's a fair question.
George Sr.: Sure is. That was a tough one. But our offense was giving up 30 pounds to everyone across the line. And we had a quarterback who had an uneasy relationship with... with holding onto the ball.
Floyd: So you're blaming our kids?
George Sr.: Well...
Coach Wilkins: No.
George Sr.: No?
Coach Wilkins: No.
George Sr.: No.

George Sr.: Look, they're great kids. A lot of heart. They were getting killed out there. It's a coach's job to know when to pull back.
Floyd: So your strategy is to surrender.
George Sr.: That's not what I'm saying.
Roy: You know who don't surrender? That new coach they got up at Carthage.
Floyd: You know he played for the Packers.
Roy: Mm-hmm.
George Sr.: Oh, come on. He played for two minutes and broke his collarbone, and that was his career.
Roy: Well, that's two minutes more than you played. [laughter]
George Sr.: [quietly to Coach Wilkins] Help me.
Coach Wilkins: Vince Lombardi never played for the pros.
Floyd: So now this clown is Vince Lombardi? [laughter]
George Sr.: I'm not Lombardi, but I don't need to put up with this crap.
Coach Wilkins: Wait. What I think we're all seeing is the passion that Coach Cooper brings to the field.
George Sr.: No, what you're seeing is me running out of patience. Meeting's over.
Floyd: Oh, there it is. The Cooper Surrender. [laughter]
Roy: The Cooper Surrender!
Floyd: Bye-bye.

Mary: Oh, before you open that, could you pick up Sheldon so I can get dinner on?
George Sr.: Do I have to?
Mary: I'm sorry. I guess I'll do all the parenting around here.
George Sr.: I'm having a hell of a day. Can I get five minutes' peace?
Mary: When do I get five minutes' peace? Honestly, can you just take this one thing off my plate? [phone rings]
George Sr.: [answers phone] Hello?
Sheldon: Dad, my friends are playing Dungeons and Dragons. Can I please stay the night in my dorm room? I promise it's safe.
George Sr.: Fine with me.
Sheldon: Thank you. Bye. [hangs up] That was easy.
Mary: Who was that?
George Sr.: Sheldon. He's gonna stay the night in his dorm.
Mary: Why would you let him do that?
George Sr.: One more thing off your plate.

Mary: You did not just tell our son that he could stay the night by himself.
George Sr.: The campus is safe, and he's not by himself, he's with friends.
Mary: Friends that we don't know. What if there is alcohol?
George Sr.: Then they're gonna get a lot of fun facts about the history of fermented beverages.
Mary: I am serious.
George Sr.: So am I. How else would I know that monkeys get drunk by eating rotten fruit off the jungle floor?
Mary: He is not ready for this kind of situation.
George Sr.: Mary, he's a good kid. He's not gonna drink anything he shouldn't. And if he cared about peer pressure, he wouldn't wear a bow tie.

Mary: I'm gonna tell you right now, we can't keep it.
George Sr.: It's not a puppy, Mary, it's 500 bucks.
Mary: It is gambling.
George Sr.: Then why'd you buy the ticket?
Mary: I didn't buy it. They gave it to me at the gas station.
George Sr.: Okay, well, that sounds like a gift from God. You don't want to make Him mad.
Mary: That is not how God works, George.
George Sr.: What if He wanted you to have it to give to the Church?
Mary: Well...
George Sr.: Well, uh, based on that, what ifHe wanted you to have it so we could buy stuff?
Mary: George.
George Sr.: All I'm saying is, we work hard, we're good people. Maybe we deserve this.

Mary: I guess a dishwasher might be nice.
George Sr.: There you go. Get a dishwasher.
Mary: I don't know. I'll think about it.
George Sr.: What's to think about? Have some fun for once.
Missy: Ooh, we getting something fun with the money?
George Sr.: We're talking about a dishwasher.
Missy: When did your dreams die?
George Sr.: When we had kids.
Mary: George.

George Sr.: Ooh, look at the Ultra-Clean Two. It's got five washing cycles.
Mary: I don't know, George, these are really expensive.
George Sr.: You won the money. Spend it.
Mary: Maybe we should just get a more affordable one.
George Sr.: Everything we do is affordable. Uh... splurge for once.
Mary: It's so extravagant.
George Sr.: [laughs] You'd think we were talking about buying a party boat. It's a dishwasher, for crying out loud.
Mary: But the way we got the money, it just doesn't feel right.
George Sr.: So you're telling me you're never okay with bending the rules once in a while?
Mary: That's not how being a Christian works.
George Sr.: Good to know. [grabs the scratch card]
Mary: What are you doing?
George Sr.: Oh, just helping you be a good Christian.

Principal Petersen: But I do think you're overreacting.
George Sr.: Come on. I... Would it kill her to loosen up once in a while?
Principal Petersen: Maybe that's just not who she is.
George Sr.: What if it is, just not with me?
Principal Petersen: Well, what does that mean?
George Sr.: The other night I drove by the church and I saw Mary and that new youth pastor just hanging out on the curb, laughing and smoking cigarettes.
Principal Petersen: Yeah? And?
George Sr.: Well, that's not enough?
Principal Petersen: Well, is smoking even a sin? 'Cause I still light up after a roll in the hay.
George Sr.: The point is, she's capable of being fun, just... not with me.

Mary: [low humming] Sounds like the ocean.
George Sr.: Oh, it is very relaxing.
George Jr.: Kind of makes the rest of the kitchen look trashy.
Sheldon: Ooh, it has a temperature boost sensor.
Mary: What's that?
Sheldon: It makes sure the water is heated to the correct temperature for ideal cleaning and drying results.
All: Ooh.
Missy: [scoffs and walks off]
Mary: Where are you going? You're gonna miss the rinse cycle.
Missy: I'm not missing anything. [exits]
George Sr.: [dishwasher beeps] Oh, it beeped. Look up "beep."

George Sr.: You ready for your road trip?
Sheldon: Yes. I'm plotting bathroom breaks. It's tricky because I'm not sure how frequently Dr. Linkletter and Dr. Sturgis need to urinate. Maybe I should call them.
George Sr.: Ooh, I wouldn't. You ask old guys about their bladder, you're in for a long conversation.