Herschel Sparks: I appreciate that, but you got to know there's an upside to this.
George: And that would be?
Herschel Sparks: Your son has got a special gift.
George: A gift? We are talking about Georgie, right?
Herschel Sparks: Yeah. I mean, first off, the kid really knows his way around an engine, which is all well and good. But when it comes to fixing tires, I swear, I've never seen anything like him.
George: Tires? How do you mean?
Herschel Sparks: George, I've been patching flats for 25 years. You know, slap some soapy water on them, look for the air bubble. But your son, he doesn't need any tricks. He knows where the puncture holes are.
George: He knows?
Herschel Sparks: He knows. He's got a sixth sense for tire damage. I mean, you got to see him in action. It'll give you chills.
George: You know, now that you say it, whenever we had a leaky football, he knew exactly where the hole was.
Herschel Sparks: I am telling you, your boy's got a future in the tire business. Goodyear, Firestone, somebody's gonna scoop him up first round.

Herschel Sparks: On an unrelated note, uh, you doing something new with your hair? It looks, uh, real pretty.
Mary: No, but thank you. Okay, well, I'm gonna leave you to it.
Herschel Sparks: Smells good, too.
Mary: All right. Bye-bye.
Herschel Sparks: Hey, you want chicken for dinner? I'll slaughter a big one for you right now.
Mary: I'm good.
Herschel Sparks: I'll kill one in case you change your mind. Now which one of you's tired of this life? You.

Herschel Sparks: Well, howdy, neighbor.
George: Hey, Herschel.
Herschel Sparks: What brings you by? Chickens too loud?
George: Nah, they been fine.
Herschel Sparks: Good, good. Fried up the noisy one last week. That shut him up.

George: Thanks for hearin' me out.
Herschel Sparks: Your wife sent you over here, didn't she?
George: I don't want to talk about it.
Herschel Sparks: I bet she did!
George: Not talkin' about it!
Herschel Sparks: Tell her I said hi!

Herschel Sparks: Hey, George, how y'all been?
George: Good, good. Hey, fixed your place up, looking snazzy.
Herschel Sparks: Ah, thanks. Even got a new water cooler. It's got those pointy cups, look like Madonna's bra.

Herschel Sparks: Anyway, how can I help?
George: Uh, well It's come to my attention that, uh, Sheldon's run into a bit of trouble with your daughter.
Herschel Sparks: What kind of trouble?
George: He says she been beating on him.
Herschel Sparks: My Bobbi?
George: Yeah.
Herschel Sparks: This one? The six-year-old? Bobbi, get over here! You realize I've taken dumps bigger than this kid.

Herschel Sparks: I like to take a break from the family and come out here and watch the games.
George: Ooh! Your wife don't mind?
Herschel Sparks: She don't know. She's scared to death of chickens.
George: Is that right?
Herschel Sparks: Once I found out, buildin' this coop was a no-brainer.

George: You know, we should probably get our stories straight before we talk to our respective mates.
Herschel Sparks: Sure. What do you want to say?
George: How 'bout this? We had words, it almost got ugly, but we came to an understanding.
Herschel Sparks: I like that. You want to take a swing at me? Make it look real? I have a freakishly high tolerance for pain.
George: No, no. But you're sweet for offering.

Herschel Sparks: Maybe he's teething. You know, when Billy was little, he chewed right through his playpen.
George: No kidding?
Herschel Sparks: Only had three teeth. Mostly gummed it.

Herschel Sparks: Hey, George.
George: Hey, Herschel. Let me guess, you're here to complain about Sheldon's violin playing.
Herschel Sparks: Under normal circumstances, I'd say yeah, but since he started, my chickens been dropping eggs like crazy.
George: That's weird.

Herschel Sparks: Hey, I got to ask, did that fiddle playing increase the fertility in all the females around here or just my chickens?

Herschel Sparks: Well, the kid was right. It's just the thermostat.
George: Yeah, yeah. So how long to fix it?
Herschel Sparks: Nothing, 20 minutes.
Georgie: Can I help?
Herschel Sparks: Well, sure. Grab yourself a pair of coveralls and have at it.
Georgie: Thanks.
George: Really? I'm paying you so my own son can fix my truck?
Herschel Sparks: Well, we could have my son do it, but we know how that's gonna end.

Herschel Sparks: I'm just thankful Billy found some friends and he ain't eating dirt and crabgrass any more. Some point, he just got a taste for it.

Mary: Um, I was just concerned about a game that the boys were playing and was wondering if you and your wife knew about it.
Herschel Sparks: A game?
Mary: Yes, a very disturbing one.
Herschel Sparks: Well, what're we talking about? Did you catch those boys playing grab ass?
Mary: No. Dungeons & Dragons.
Herschel Sparks: So everybody's got their trousers up?
Mary: Yes.
Herschel Sparks: What's the problem?
Mary: The game contains demonology, which goes against the teachings of the church.
Herschel Sparks: But nobody's touching nothing, right?
Mary: No.
Herschel Sparks: Well, then I don't quite know what you're worried about.

Herschel Sparks: I feel bad about the whole thing with the kids.
George: Hey, it happens.
Herschel Sparks: I know, but Bobbi shouldn't be beatin' on Sheldon like that. It's not okay.
George: What's not okay is Sheldon gettin' beat up by a little girl.
Herschel Sparks: Well ... yeah.