Mary: All right, Missy, you're first. How much do you think the baby's gonna weigh?
Missy: Uh, I'm gonna say... Hmm. 18 pounds. [Meemaw laughs]
Brenda Sparks: Ooh, ouch.
Missy: Too much?
Meemaw: Too much.

Mandy: So, uh, what are you doing here? You know you're not invited to the shower, right?
George Jr.: I know. It's just, everybody's bringing presents for the baby today, so I wanted to bring one for you.
Mandy: Georgie, thank you.
George Jr.: Open it.
Mandy: Okay.
George Jr.: Sorry for the Christmas paper. That's all we had.
Mandy: [looks at heart-shaped locket] It's beautiful.
George Jr.: Look inside.
Mandy: What am I looking at here?
George Jr.: It's the sonogram of our little girl. I'm not an idiot.
Mandy: [chuckles] [sighs] That is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. I-I... I love it.

George Jr.: Georgie. [shakes Connor's hand] Oh, you got some paint on you. Been doing some work around the house?
Jim: [stifled chuckle] No.
Connor: I'm a painter.
Jim: Yeah, yeah, he's always in his room painting stuff, until you ask him to paint the garage. [Jim and George laugh]
Connor: You're hilarious.

Jim: He's an artist.
George Jr.: Cool.
George Sr.: Like, the, uh... the guy on TV that paints the clouds.
Connor: Uh, my stuff is a little more, uh, abstract.
George Jr.: Oh, sure. That means it doesn't look like stuff.

George Sr.: [chuckles] I hope you're a starving artist 'cause I got a brisket on the smoker out there with your name on it.
Jim: Connor, uh, is also, uh, a-a vegetarian.
George Sr.: [stammers] No problem. We got beans. That's a vegetable. Right? [chuckles] Come on.

George Sr.: [chuckles] I hope you're a starving artist 'cause I got a brisket on the smoker out there with your name on it.
Jim: Connor, uh, is also, uh, a-a vegetarian.
George Sr.: [stammers] No problem. We got beans. That's a vegetable. Right? [chuckles] Come on.

Missy: This cake is amazing.
Mary: To look at, sure. I prefer cakes for eating.
Missy: What's your problem?
Mary: What's your problem?

Brenda Sparks: So, Audrey, is this your first grandkid?
Audrey: Yep.
Brenda Sparks: You must be excited.
Audrey: Sure. Can't say I'm thrilled with the circumstances, but... Amanda's always done things her way.
Meemaw: I have a lot of grandkids. At some point, you just stop caring how they got here. [Audrey nods]
Brenda Sparks: I'm gonna get some punch.
Meemaw: It's nonalcoholic.
Brenda Sparks: Oh.

Missy: You coming down?
Mandy: In a sec.
Missy: You're not missing much. It's real awkward down there. [Mandy chuckles] Something wrong?
Mandy: No.
Missy: Is it your mom? 'Cause something's definitely wrong with mine.
Mandy: No, she's fine. Well, she's a nightmare, but, uh, that's not it. [holds the heart-shaped locket]
Missy: Pretty.
Mandy: Yeah, Georgie got it for me. There's a sonogram of our baby inside.
Missy: Good for Georgie.
Mandy: Yeah. Good for Georgie.

George Jr.: I got to tell you, I think the Cowboys are gonna take it all the way this year.
Connor: Not really into football.
George Jr.: Seriously? [Connor shrugs] That's cool. You like cars?
Connor: Not really.
George Jr.: Music?
Connor: Yeah.
George Jr.: Great. Who do you like?
Connor: The Smiths.
George Jr.: I don't know them. Guns N' Roses?
Connor: [scoffs] Corporate rock sellouts.
George Jr.: Yeah, well, sellouts who kick ass, so...

Sheldon: Hello.
George Jr.: Sheldon, this is Mandy's brother, Connor.
Sheldon: Are you watching the game? Because I heard the Cowboys are going to go all the way this year.
George Jr.: It's okay. He don't watch football either.
Sheldon: Great. I learned who Troy Aikman is for nothing.

George Sr.: So, Connor seems like a good kid.
Jim: Oh, yeah, yeah, he's a good kid. From another planet.
George Sr.: Oh, I got one of those. Georgie's little brother.
Jim: Is he a 22-year-old art school graduate with no prospects of ever holding down a real job?
George Sr.: [chuckles] Actually, he's a science genius who started college when he was 11.
Jim: Let's just talk about the brisket.

George Jr.: Anybody home?
Mandy: Hey.
George Jr.: What's with all the pink?
Mandy: Uh, it's 'cause... it's my party, and I'm a girl.
George Jr.: Makes sense.

Meemaw: But then again, Georgie was a big'un.
Mandy: How big?
Mary: Almost ten pounds.
Mandy: Ten pounds?
Meemaw: She walked like a cowboy for months. [laughs]

Audrey: Both my children were normal weight.
Mary: Well, good job.

Meemaw: My turn. Mm-kay, the belly button's still got a little give. So, I'm gonna say... a quick and easy six pounds, two ounces... gonna slide right out of there. [chuckles]
Mandy: [sighs] I love you.

George Jr.: So, Connor, what was your sister like as a kid?
Connor: Um... we really didn't get along. Yeah, she was older and loved picking on me.
Sheldon: The same thing with me and Georgie.
Connor: Once, she replaced my toothpaste with a tube of hemorrhoid cream.
George Jr.: [laughs] Remember when I used to sit on your head when you'd watch Star Trek?
Sheldon: I do.
George Jr.: Guess what I did when they'd fire their phasers.
Sheldon: You don't need to say it.
George Jr.: I farted. [laughs] Hilarious.

Mandy: [gasps] Oh, a nursing bra. "Includes removable pads to prevent leakage." Wow. Thanks. That's... really thoughtful.
Brenda Sparks: Mine dripped like a faucet.
Missy: Wait, I have a question.
Mary: Please ask it later.

Missy: [whispers] What leaks? The boob?
Mary: Later.

Mandy: [chuckles] What's this?
Audrey: We set up a nursery in the guest room. You can move back in.
Mandy: Can we not talk about this now?
Audrey: What's the problem? You're gonna need help.
Meemaw: Who do you think's been helping her this whole time?
Audrey: And I appreciate it, but you're not her family.
Mary: We're that baby's family. Georgie's right across the street.
Audrey: Oh, yes, I'm sure a teenage boy is gonna be a lot of help. [laughs]
Mandy: You don't know what you're talking about. Georgie has been there for me the whole time, and you come in at the last minute with a store-bought castle cake, and- and you think that's gonna make up for everything?
Audrey: Okay, I can see you're a little emotional.
Mandy: Yeah, I am a little emotional right now, and you being here isn't helping. You do not get to bad-mouth Georgie. He's gonna be a better parent than you ever were.
Brenda Sparks: [quietly] Damn.
Mandy: Now, if someone would help me up, I would like to storm out. [Meemaw helps Mandy up] Thank you.
Meemaw: So, who wants cake?

George Jr.: How's a dog supposed to read a subpoena?

Connor: Look how gritty this is. Frank Miller really brought a whole new aesthetic to comic books.
Sheldon: Hmm. I've never really thought of it that way.
Adult Sheldon: I was doing it. I was bonding.
Sheldon: Now, would you please put it back in the bag?
Connor: Oh. Sure.
Adult Sheldon: And I was great at it.

George Sr.: [laughs] 14 hours of smoke and love.
Jim: Trying not to drool.
Audrey: [enters] Jim, Connor, we're leaving!
Dr. John Sturgis: All right, hon, but the brisket...
Audrey: Now!
George Sr.: I'll make you a doggy bag.
Audrey: Jim. [walks off]
George Sr.: Poor bastard.

Mandy: [sighs] Hey. I didn't know you were here.
George Jr.: Just checking out the loot. This is amazing. Why don't all bras do this?
Mandy: Take that off.
George Jr.: Well, that's what's great: you don't have to. Look at this.
Mandy: The father of my child.
George Jr.: Ooh, nipple cream. Maybe I should've went to this party. Sounds fun.

Mary: All right, please, uh, say goodbye to your husband.
Audrey: Well, you can tell him yourself. He's hiding behind that stack of tires.
[Jim emerges from behind the tires and gives Mary a little wave]
Mary: Bye.

Mary: Oh, and after we do gifts, we could take pictures holding Mandy's belly.
Mandy: [scoffs] No. Okay.
Missy: Here's one. We can fill baby bottles with juice and see who can drink it the fastest.
Meemaw: Don't go drinking out of my bottle.
Missy: Why?
Meemaw: 'Cause it ain't gonna be juice.

George Jr.: When is this thing anyways?
Mary: Sunday.
George Jr.: Oh, shoot. I got a date with Amber. I got to cancel.
Meemaw: You ain't invited.
George Jr.: But I'm the dad.
Missy: No boys allowed. Southern Living says so.

Mary: Who is Amber?
George Jr.: A girl I'm seeing.
Mary: Does Mandy know?
Mandy: Know what?
Mary: Oh, nothing.
George Jr.: It was actually her idea.
Mandy: What, Amber? Oh, yeah, I know.
Missy: She's divorced.
George Jr.: What? Don't worry, she ain't old. It's just she got married too young.

Mary: So, Mandy, have you given any thought to which friends or family you want to invite?
Mandy: Well, given the circumstances, I'm thinking maybe we keep it small.
Meemaw: 'Cause your friends don't know about this?
Mandy: They don't know about this. They don't know about that. They don't know about any of it.

Missy: Oh, I thought of another game we could play. First, you melt chocolate in a diaper...
Mary: Keep thinking.

Sheldon: We're coming up with games to play? Because I have a good one: intelligent animal technology. For example, if rhinoceroses were intelligent, how would they type?
Mary: This is for Mandy's baby shower.
Sheldon: Oh. I don't want to go to that.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Thankfully, it's for ladies only.

George Sr.: Why do you want to go?
George Jr.: Well, I'm gonna be at the birth, but I can't go to the party?
Missy: How do you know she wants you at the birth?
George Jr.: Who's gonna catch the baby?

George Sr.: You may not want to be there. It's a rough one.
Mary: George.
George Sr.: Oh, you're right, dear. It's a beautiful event which I will never forget.
Sheldon: Wait, you said it was beautiful and then made a face to imply that it wasn't. So, which is it?
Missy: Oh, my God, Sheldon, it's disgusting.
Sheldon: He could've just said that.

Sheldon: Wait, I don't have to watch football, do I?
George Sr.: No.
George Jr.: Please don't.
Sheldon: Sweet.

Mary: Hi, Jim.
Jim: Hey, Mary. Good to see you. You looking for some tires?
Mary: Actually, I'm looking for your wife.
Jim: Oh. You're not gonna yell at her again, are you?
Mary: No, no.
Jim: Okay, you sure about that? 'Cause I wouldn't mind seeing it.

Mary: I just wanted to drop off an invitation to Mandy's baby shower.
Jim: Oh. Well, that's- that's real kind of you.
Mary: And George is hoping that you'll come over and watch the game with him and Georgie.
Jim: Huh. Well, that sounds like fun.
Mary: And your son is welcome, too.
Jim: All right, well, you know, Connor ain't all that much into football or baseball. [chuckles] Or, shoot, anything with a ball, really.
Mary: Well, if you do come, I know that George is making brisket.
Jim: Brisket and football? [chuckles] Well, you drive a hard bargain.

Adult Sheldon: Every culture has its own traditions to celebrate important life events: bar mitzvahs, quinceañeras, baby's first Comic-Con. My favorites are funeral and baby shower. They're the only two thrown in your honor you're not expected to attend. [whispers] Love it.

Dr. Linkletter: It's open.
Sheldon: Hello. [Dr. Linkletter groans] I was wondering if I could have access to the lab on Sunday.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm not here on Sunday.
Sheldon: Where will you be?
Dr. Linkletter: If I tell you that, you might go there.
Sheldon: Well, I told you where I'll be: the lab.

Dr. Linkletter: How about this? Here's the key. Go nuts.
Sheldon: But I'm a minor. I require adult supervision.
Dr. Linkletter: I won't tell anyone.
Sheldon: I will. I'm quite the tattler.
Dr. Linkletter: Then you'll have to wait till Monday.

Sheldon: But I'm trying to get out of the house on Sunday.
Dr. Linkletter: Why?
Sheldon: The father and the brother of the woman my brother impregnated are coming over to watch sports with my brother and my father.
Dr. Linkletter: So you're trying to avoid a male bonding experience?
Sheldon: At all cost.
Dr. Linkletter: You know, son, as scientists, we're often teamed with people that we don't know. The ability to bond and build relationships, that's- that's an essential skill.
Sheldon: So you're suggesting I use this gathering as an opportunity to better those skills?
Dr. Linkletter: Exactly.
Sheldon: Very well. I'll give it a go.

Mary: So, I was thinking we could do something sweet and simple, like a garden party.
Meemaw: Oh, that sounds good. I know Mandy doesn't like to make a big fuss.
Audrey: Since when? That girl has always wanted to be the center of attention.
Mary: Oh, well, I guess you would know. [chuckles]
Audrey: And garden party sounds lovely, but maybe we could do something a little more fun. Like princess or "around the world"... You know, all the places she was gonna go, but now she can't 'cause she ruined her life.
Meemaw: I like princess.
Audrey: Oh, great.

Audrey: I know this wonderful bakery that makes a cake that looks just like a fairy-tale castle.
Mary: I was gonna make my German chocolate cake.
Audrey: She's having a girl, not starting World War II.
Mary: Castle cake it is.
Audrey: Yay.

Sheldon: Hello.
Missy: Ugh, nerd movies are over there.
Sheldon: No, I need to bond with Mandy's father and brother, so I'm looking for movies they might've seen, so that we can engage in some testosterone-rich banter.
Missy: Okay, I can help you. A lot of dudes have been renting this. "Bingo. He's every family's best friend."
Sheldon: Are you tricking me?
Missy: No.
Sheldon: Glad I asked. Ring me up. [Missy smiles]

Amber: Are we still on for Sunday?
George Jr.: [sighs] Sorry, can't. Mandy's having a baby shower.
Amber: You're going to that?
George Jr.: No, but I promised I'd hang out with her dad and brother, so... Is it weird to talk about this stuff?
Amber: Would it be weird if I talked about my ex-husband?
George Jr.: Depends. What would you say?
Amber: [sighs] I don't know. Maybe that he's six-four, weighs about 240 pounds, got a short fuse.
George Jr.: Yeah, I don't want to hear that.

Amber: Well, I'm fine if you want to talk about your situation.
George Jr.: Oh, great, 'cause I need some advice. So, should I get Mandy a present?
Amber: You mean, like a baby gift?
George Jr.: Or for her. You know, like, "Thanks for making the effort"?
Amber: [scoffs] I don't think I would engrave that on anything, but... could be sweet.
George Jr.: Cool. You were just playing about your ex being that big, right? [Amber shakes her head] But the divorce was a mutual thing? He wanted it, too? [Amber shakes her head] He ain't in there, is he? [Amber laughs]

Mary: Hey. I hate that woman.
George Sr.: Your mother? Eh, she ain't gonna live forever.
Mary: Mandy's mom.
George Sr.: Oh. Yeah, that one we're stuck with for a while.
Mary: I extended an olive branch to make her feel part of the baby shower, and then she just took over the whole dang thing.
George Sr.: All right, I'll run her over with my truck.
Mary: I'm not ready to laugh yet, George.

Sheldon: When you are ready to laugh, I have got the movie for you. Bingo. It's for men, but I think you'll get it.