Meemaw: Do you really think your supercollider could make a black hole?
Dr. John Sturgis: There is about a one-in-a-trillion chance it could.
Meemaw: Friendly advice... next time somebody asks you if your work could destroy the world, just say no.

June: So, why are you taking me instead of Dale?
Meemaw: Well, last time he and I went casino hopping, it didn't work out too hot.
June: 'Cause he proposed and you said no?
Meemaw: Why would he tell you that?!
June: Hey, don't feel bad. I'm the dummy that said yes to him.
Meemaw: Well, I guess you got a point there.

Mary: Bless us, Lord, for the food we are about to receive, and bless the hands that prepared it. And thank you for Georgie getting his job back. Amen.
All: Amen.
George Sr.: That was nice of Dale.
George Jr.: I know. He even forgave me for egging his store.
Missy: You went egging without me?
Mary: Georgie Cooper!
George Jr.: Dale already forgave me, and God has to. You can't get mad.
Missy: Ha. Burn.

Dale: Oh. Hold on. Hold on. Your chair, milady.
Meemaw: "Milady"? Where did that come from?
Dale: I don't know. My brain.
Meemaw: [laughs]

Waiter: Can I get y'all started with some drinks?
Meemaw: Yeah. Uh, margaritas?
Waiter: Mm-hmm.
Meemaw: Split a pitcher?
Dale: Mm, no, I think I'm okay.
Meemaw: More of a beer night?
Dale: No, not really. I'm gonna take a little break. I'll just stick with water.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Well, you know, I don't do my best thinking after I've been drinking. [laughs]

Mary: Missy, how would you and Sheldon like a graduation party?
Sheldon: Why would Missy have a graduation party?
Missy: 'Cause I'm graduating elementary school.
Sheldon: That counts?
George Sr.: Of course it counts.
Sheldon: Yes, it's a big deal. She's going to a new school. New friends, new teachers.
Missy: Same clothes 'cause we're poor. [phone rings]
George Sr.: We're not poor.
Missy: So I can get new clothes?
George Sr.: We're not rich, either.

Dr. John Sturgis: I've been doing science all my life. [stammers] It's time for something else.
Meemaw: Like what?
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe scrimshaw? That's, uh, carving art into whale bone.
Meemaw: You really want to spend your day carving a whale bone?
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know what else I'd do with it.
Meemaw: Oh, come on, you're a scientist. This is just silly.
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie... I'm 72 and just lost my dream job. [chuckles] Right now, uh... I think I need to, uh... take a step back.
Meemaw: The Texan in me wants to say get back on the horse. But I won't.

Sheldon: It's so exciting he's back. How did he look?
Meemaw: The same.
Sheldon: Good, I was afraid he might've shrunk more. [Meemaw chuckles] Although maybe you both shrunk and you couldn't tell.
Meemaw: Hey! I'm still taller than you, so watch it.

Mary: Shelly, why don't you put your book down and watch your sister play? It's getting exciting.
Sheldon: It looks like everyone's just standing there.
George Sr.: There's two outs, bases are loaded, a-and the winning run's on second.
Meemaw: But if Missy throws one more strike, they'll win.
Sheldon: And then we can go home? That is exciting.

George Sr.: What you doing?
Sheldon: Paige is feeling sad, so I'm making her a hot beverage.
George Sr.: Oh. You're a good kid. I'm proud of you.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Adult Sheldon: Of all my accomplishments, I don't know why he singled this moment out, but I'm glad he did.

George Jr.: What's wrong with that?
Meemaw: Your dad is a grown man. He doesn't want his kid giving him money.
George Jr.: So he's glad I'm making money, but I'm not allowed to use that money to help him out? I don't get it.
Meemaw: Well, someday, when you have a bunch of sweaty, mullet-headed kids running around, you will.
George Jr.: Oh, I ain't never having kids.
Meemaw: Well, that's the smartest thing I ever heard you say.
George Jr.: Thank you.

George Jr.: So you work at the grocery store now?
Dr. John Sturgis: I do.
George Jr.: Just out of curiosity, would you say I look 21?
Dr. John Sturgis: Mm, I suppose.
George Jr.: And what nights do you work again?
George Sr.: He's not selling you beer.
George Jr.: Well, of course not. [smiles at John]

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, it's so wonderful to see you all. Thank you for having me.
Sheldon: It's great to see you, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: And, Mary, I believe I recognize these tater tots from when I packed them in your bag.
Missy: [to Mary] You're killing me.

Meemaw: I just hate to see him give up like this.
Missy: Who you talking about?
Meemaw: Dr. Sturgis.
Missy: What'd he give up?
Meemaw: Science. He's working at a grocery store.
Missy: At least he didn't give up being weird.
Mary: He is also coming over for dinner, so behave yourself.
Missy: I can behave at school or I can behave at home. I can't do both.

Meemaw: Thanks for inviting John to dinner tonight.
Mary: Oh, my pleasure.
Meemaw: I've been a little bit worried about him. You know, with what happened last time.
Mary: At least he didn't seem unstable when I talked to him.
Meemaw: The man has a doctorate in science, and he's filling people's grocery bags.
Mary: He actually did a really nice job. He put the heavy things on the bottom. He kept the cold things together.
Meemaw: Mary.
Mary: Well, they don't always do that.

Meemaw: You swim here?
George Jr.: Dad kicked me out of his truck. I had to walk back.
Meemaw: [chuckles] What dumb thing did you say or do?
George Jr.: How do you know I'm the one who did something dumb?
Meemaw: 'Cause you kind of shine at it.
George Jr.: All I did is offer to pay to fix his AC.
Meemaw: And there it is. Dumb.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] John Sturgis at your service.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, Sheldon Cooper.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, Sheldon. How are you doing?
Sheldon: Confused, upset, annoyed, and potentially in trouble with the law.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, in which order would you like to handle this?
Sheldon: Let's start with confused, but if we hear sirens approaching, we'll jump ahead.

[title: Debate Club:]
Sheldon: Proposition: the newest member of the Debate Club should be Sheldon Cooper. You're the affirmative. Go.
Ashley: Who's Sheldon Cooper?
Sheldon: Me. And I believe I should not join the debate team because there are far more valuable uses of my time.
Ashley: Do you want to join or not?
Sheldon: That's the debate, isn't it?
Ashley: I don't know what's happening.
Sheldon: If you're thrown for a loop, wait until you hear my rebuttal. Sheldon Cooper should not join the debate team because your leadership is clearly questionable.
Ashley: Okay, you're not in the club.
Sheldon: Ha! I win. Wait.

Adult Sheldon: For some reason, Dr. Linkletter felt it was important that I start my quest to join a club immediately. The interview process was tougher than you'd expect.
[title: Chess Club:]
Sheldon: So why exactly should I join your club?
Chris: Well, cool people, good chess players, and when the weather's nice, we meet in the quad.
Sheldon: Outside?
Chris: Yes.
Sheldon: Under trees?
Chris: Yes.
Sheldon: Where birds live?
Chris: Yes.
Sheldon: I think we're done here.

George Sr.: [on the phone] That might be a little weird. It-it's Connie's ex.
Dale: Boy, he didn't impress me as a camping type.
George Sr.: Uh, well, actually, he was hinting around about going. Claims to be an outdoorsman.
Dale: Really? Oh, hey, I'd like to see that. Bring him along.
George Sr.: You sure?
Dale: Yeah. Hell, if we get caught in a freak snowstorm, he'll be the first one we eat. Be like an appetizer.