Meemaw: Thanks for inviting John to dinner tonight.
Mary: Oh, my pleasure.
Meemaw: I've been a little bit worried about him. You know, with what happened last time.
Mary: At least he didn't seem unstable when I talked to him.
Meemaw: The man has a doctorate in science, and he's filling people's grocery bags.
Mary: He actually did a really nice job. He put the heavy things on the bottom. He kept the cold things together.
Meemaw: Mary.
Mary: Well, they don't always do that.

Meemaw: I just hate to see him give up like this.
Missy: Who you talking about?
Meemaw: Dr. Sturgis.
Missy: What'd he give up?
Meemaw: Science. He's working at a grocery store.
Missy: At least he didn't give up being weird.
Mary: He is also coming over for dinner, so behave yourself.
Missy: I can behave at school or I can behave at home. I can't do both.

Dale: [sighs] All right, let me start by saying that I owe you an apology.
Meemaw: You can finish with an apology, too.
Dale: I'm sorry we had a fight. I'm... I'm really sorry I lost my temper, and I'm very sorry that I took it out on Georgie.
Meemaw: That wasn't great.
Dale: But I want you to know that I'm trying to change.
Meemaw: 'Cause that's what people do... they change.
Dale: I mean it. You know, I'm tired of being a cranky old bastard.
Meemaw: It's tiring for everybody else, too.
Dale: Would you please?
Meemaw: Sorry. Go ahead.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, it's so wonderful to see you all. Thank you for having me.
Sheldon: It's great to see you, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: And, Mary, I believe I recognize these tater tots from when I packed them in your bag.
Missy: [to Mary] You're killing me.

Meemaw: Y'all two go get ready for bed.
George Jr.: I don't want to stay around here. I want to go to the hospital and see Dad.
Meemaw: Well, I want to go to Las Vegas and see Willie Nelson, but that ain't gonna happen either.

Sheldon: Dad, you need to take me home.
George Sr.: Why? What's the matter?
Sheldon: I don't have my safety goggles. Let's go.
George Sr.: Sheldon, I'm busy.
Sheldon: You're just watching TV.
George Sr.: I'm reviewing game tape.
Sheldon: So you know how it ends. I'll meet you at the car.

George Jr.: So you work at the grocery store now?
Dr. John Sturgis: I do.
George Jr.: Just out of curiosity, would you say I look 21?
Dr. John Sturgis: Mm, I suppose.
George Jr.: And what nights do you work again?
George Sr.: He's not selling you beer.
George Jr.: Well, of course not. [smiles at John]

George Sr.: Sheldon, I'm not driving you home. I got practice in minutes.
Sheldon: Then call Mom and tell her to bring them to me.
George Sr.: She's working, too.
Sheldon: But I need my goggles!
George Sr.: Then use the ones in class. And I don't want to hear about eyebrow lice.
Sheldon: The ones in class are too big for me. What if they fall off and something happens to my eyes? If I go blind, I'll need a Seeing Eye dog, and I'm scared of dogs.
George Sr.: Hey! Is this how you plan on acting when you get to college?
Sheldon: No.
George Sr.: Good, 'cause you're gonna need to handle stuff like this on your own.
Sheldon: I can handle it.
George Sr.: I hope so.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] John Sturgis at your service.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, Sheldon Cooper.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, Sheldon. How are you doing?
Sheldon: Confused, upset, annoyed, and potentially in trouble with the law.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, in which order would you like to handle this?
Sheldon: Let's start with confused, but if we hear sirens approaching, we'll jump ahead.

George Jr.: What's wrong with that?
Meemaw: Your dad is a grown man. He doesn't want his kid giving him money.
George Jr.: So he's glad I'm making money, but I'm not allowed to use that money to help him out? I don't get it.
Meemaw: Well, someday, when you have a bunch of sweaty, mullet-headed kids running around, you will.
George Jr.: Oh, I ain't never having kids.
Meemaw: Well, that's the smartest thing I ever heard you say.
George Jr.: Thank you.

Meemaw: You swim here?
George Jr.: Dad kicked me out of his truck. I had to walk back.
Meemaw: [chuckles] What dumb thing did you say or do?
George Jr.: How do you know I'm the one who did something dumb?
Meemaw: 'Cause you kind of shine at it.
George Jr.: All I did is offer to pay to fix his AC.
Meemaw: And there it is. Dumb.

Sheldon: I can't believe they would fire you just for mentioning a theory about black holes.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's just as well. It was time this old horse was put out to pasture.
Mary: Don't say that. You're not old.
Missy: He's not?
Mary: No.
Missy: But look at his bald head.
Mary: Eat your peas.

Coach Wilkins: You ever tell him you're proud?
George Sr.: He knows.
Coach Wilkins: I think it's important for children to hear it.
George Sr.: You don't even have kids.
Coach Wilkins: I teach and coach teenage boys. I also put up with your childish nonsense.
George Sr.: Georgie's just being so damn disrespectful, I don't want to reward that.
Coach Wilkins: All right.
George Sr.: My father never said he was proud of me. I turned out just fine.
Coach Wilkins: George, I'm just trying to have a nice day, make some white folks uncomfortable. Can you please?

Dale: Oh. Hold on. Hold on. Your chair, milady.
Meemaw: "Milady"? Where did that come from?
Dale: I don't know. My brain.
Meemaw: [laughs]

Meemaw: Wait, what's an "event horizon"?
Sheldon: It just means the edge.
Meemaw: Why not say "the edge"?
George Jr.: The guitar player for U is called the Edge.
George Sr.: What does that have to do with anything?
George Jr.: I'm participating in the conversation. You're just sitting there like a lump.
Meemaw: [snorts] "Lump."
Sheldon: Anyway, ordinarily, the particles would collide and destroy each other.
Dr. John Sturgis: But in this instance, they could exist simultaneously.
George Sr.: And what is the significance of that? [to Georgie] I can participate, smart-ass.
George Jr.: Good job, lump.

Mary: Okay, Paige, where should we go to get your backpack?
Paige: The Hello Kitty store.
Sheldon: I would help you find it, but this subpar mall map isn't even oriented north.
Missy: Let's go.
Mary: All right, have fun at the Hello Kitty store, and meet me at the fountain in half an hour.
Sheldon: Just to be clear, there are no actual kitties, right?

Mary: Bless us, Lord, for the food we are about to receive, and bless the hands that prepared it. And thank you for Georgie getting his job back. Amen.
All: Amen.
George Sr.: That was nice of Dale.
George Jr.: I know. He even forgave me for egging his store.
Missy: You went egging without me?
Mary: Georgie Cooper!
George Jr.: Dale already forgave me, and God has to. You can't get mad.
Missy: Ha. Burn.

[fantasy:]
Meemaw: John, I'm sorry, I don't mean to push, but I just, I worry about you.
Dr. John Sturgis: You do?
Meemaw: Of course. You know I care about you.
Dr. John Sturgis: That means a lot. The truth is, if I could live in an alternate universe, I'd live in one where we never broke up. I hope it's okay to say that.
Meemaw: It is. Because I wish it, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, Connie.
Meemaw: Oh, John.
[reality:]
Meemaw: John? John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh?
Meemaw: If you could live in an alternate universe, what would it be?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I haven't really given it any thought.

Missy: Let's just get out of here.
Sheldon: Good. Everyone behind the counter has an earring where an earring does not belong.

[fantasy:]
Dr. John Sturgis: [Southern accent] To us, it'd be as normal as boots on a cowboy.
George Jr.: That is wild.
Missy: Dr. Sturgis is correct. If indeed we grew up in another universe, our sense of normality would be formed by that universe.
George Sr.: That's enough. There are no other universes. The Bible tells us God created the Earth, not the Earths.
Mary: Ugh, why did I have to marry a preacher?
George Sr.: Because it was God's will to bless us with union.
Mary: I hope it's his plan that I hit the clubs tonight, 'cause that's gonna happen. [laughs]
Sheldon: Why am I the only normal one in this family?
Missy: If you're the only normal one, statistically speaking, you're abnormal.
George Jr.: [chuckles] Freak.