George Sr.: So, that's why I wanted to give you a heads-up.
Principal Petersen: I got to tell you, George, this is a real blow.
George Sr.: Appreciate it. But, uh, yeah, you'll find someone. There's a lot of good coaches out there.
Principal Petersen: Not you. Sheldon.
George Sr.: Sheldon? I thought everyone would be thrilled for him to leave.
Principal Petersen: Don't get me wrong, your kid is a royal pain in the ass. However, his state test scores are so extraordinary, the school actually gets more funding because of it.
George Sr.: You serious?
Principal Petersen: Serious as the fire alarms, which are now functional. And always were, if anyone asks.

Adult Sheldon: Extricating myself from this situation was not going to be easy. My father was counting on me, Meemaw was counting on me, the school was counting on me. After much thought, I decided to employ the one strategic maneuver I knew I could count on. I tattled.

Mary: Sheldon, you sure about this?
Sheldon: Yes, leave the crusts on. I'm a docent now.

George Sr.: What do you got going on today?
Mary: Ooh, laundry, grocery shopping, vacuuming. I might go nuts and dust the picture frames.
George Sr.: Well, nice. Everybody's doing something they love.

Meemaw: Hey, you got any plans this weekend?
June: I don't think so. Why?
Meemaw: I happen to have a coupon for a free room at the Royale Casino.
June: Now you're talking! How'd you swing that?
Meemaw: Well, you lose enough, they give you all kinds of crap.
June: I'm in.
Meemaw: And if you really feel like gambling, they got an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.
June: Put enough drinks in me, I'll eat anything. [Meemaw laughs]

Principal Petersen: I've asked you all here because we got a situation. George Cooper's considering a job at a college and taking Sheldon with him.
Mr. Givens: Yes!
Ms. MacElroy: Is it far away? I hope it's far away.
Mr. Givens: Maybe it's overseas.
Ms. Ingram: Ooh, like Fiji.

Principal Petersen: Hold your horses. If Sheldon walks out that door, our test scores drop hard. That affects funding, which affects your salaries.
Ms. Ingram: Ugh. Well, how can we help?
Principal Petersen: Y'all need to make George and Sheldon so happy here they want to stay.
Ms. MacElroy: Oh, come on.
Mr. Givens: Isn't there anything else we can do?
Principal Petersen: Yeah, Mr. Givens. You could do a better job at teaching the other students so we don't rely on one boy to pull up everyone's grades.
Mr. Givens: Fine. We'll be nice to Sheldon.

Meemaw: Thanks for inviting John to dinner tonight.
Mary: Oh, my pleasure.
Meemaw: I've been a little bit worried about him. You know, with what happened last time.
Mary: At least he didn't seem unstable when I talked to him.
Meemaw: The man has a doctorate in science, and he's filling people's grocery bags.
Mary: He actually did a really nice job. He put the heavy things on the bottom. He kept the cold things together.
Meemaw: Mary.
Mary: Well, they don't always do that.

Meemaw: I just hate to see him give up like this.
Missy: Who you talking about?
Meemaw: Dr. Sturgis.
Missy: What'd he give up?
Meemaw: Science. He's working at a grocery store.
Missy: At least he didn't give up being weird.
Mary: He is also coming over for dinner, so behave yourself.
Missy: I can behave at school or I can behave at home. I can't do both.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, it's so wonderful to see you all. Thank you for having me.
Sheldon: It's great to see you, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: And, Mary, I believe I recognize these tater tots from when I packed them in your bag.
Missy: [to Mary] You're killing me.

Sheldon: Then Geordi goes missing, but Wesley Crusher has a plan to use neutrinos to locate him, since they'd be visible to Geordi's visor.
George Sr.: Is that so?
Sheldon: It is. I recorded the episode. I'll show it to you tonight.
George Sr.: That's okay. You did such a good job explaining it, I feel like I saw it.
Sheldon: You're still seeing it.

Ms. Ingram: Oh! There's my man.
Sheldon: Where?
Ms. Ingram: You, silly.
Sheldon: I'm neither a man, nor silly, but all right.
Ms. Ingram: You're so funny, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, well, that I am.

Mary: All right, you two, get ready for bed. Church in the morning.
Missy: I'm not going.
Mary: What do you mean, you're not going?
Missy: I don't think I believe in God anymore.
Mary: What did you do to her?
Sheldon: Hey, she came to me. I mean, I took the ball and ran with it.
Missy: Look at you with a sports analogy.
Sheldon: We're both evolving. Ooh, evolution. Another thing I'll teach you about.

Mary: Well, I don't think it's right that-
George Jr.: [TV turns on] Sup.
Mary: Excuse me. Can't you see that your father and I are talking?
George Jr.: Yeah, but you can talk anywhere, and this is the only room in the house with a TV.
George Sr.: Get out of here.
George Jr.: Suit yourself. But I'd like to point out, if you'd let me buy a TV for my bedroom, we wouldn't be in this situation, now would we?

George Jr.: So you work at the grocery store now?
Dr. John Sturgis: I do.
George Jr.: Just out of curiosity, would you say I look 21?
Dr. John Sturgis: Mm, I suppose.
George Jr.: And what nights do you work again?
George Sr.: He's not selling you beer.
George Jr.: Well, of course not. [smiles at John]

Sheldon: I can't believe they would fire you just for mentioning a theory about black holes.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's just as well. It was time this old horse was put out to pasture.
Mary: Don't say that. You're not old.
Missy: He's not?
Mary: No.
Missy: But look at his bald head.
Mary: Eat your peas.

Sheldon: I can't understand why you wouldn't want to come back to the university.
Dr. John Sturgis: Science is a young man's game.
Sheldon: But we could work on something together. If you average out our ages, we're a lean, mean forty-one and a half.

Adult Sheldon: I never understood why kids didn't like being sent to the principal's office. I thought it was great.
Principal Petersen: Sheldon, you are a remarkable young man.
Sheldon: Thanks, and you're a remarkable old man.
Mary: Sheldon.
George Sr.: So you sure he's got all the credits he needs?
Principal Petersen: Yeah, between his coursework and his AP tests, he's met all of his academic requirements. He even managed to get a good grade in P.E.
Sheldon: I earned extra credit snitching on kids who were smoking behind the equipment shed.
Principal Petersen: I don't have to buy cigarettes for a year.

Sheldon: Hello, lunch friend.
Dr. Linkletter: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Egg salad. Stinky.
Dr. Linkletter: What do you want?
Sheldon: I have some bad news. I'm going to join a club on campus, which means we won't be able to have lunch together.
Dr. Linkletter: Wonderful! For you. Sad for me. Mmm. Happy trails.
Sheldon: Oh, no, we're still having lunch today. You get to help me decide which club I should join.
Dr. Linkletter: Terrific.

Pastor Jeff: Please be seated. A Pharisee once asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was, and do you know what he said? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon, it's a rhetorical question.
Sheldon: Aw.