Adult Sheldon: In many ways, a high school is like an academic house of horrors. There's the cafeteria, which when even freshly cleaned, maintains a subtle aroma of tater tots and throw-up. The schoolyard, where one is exposed to bullying by delinquents and attacks from above by eye-pecking demons. [bird tweets] But all of these pale in comparison to the most horrific location of all. A place teeming with the sweat and secretions from hundreds of unwashed bodies. The swimming pool.

Principal Petersen: Sorry, Sheldon. Water safety is a required part of your P.E. class.
Sheldon: But other kids use that pool. It's basically a big bowl of teenager soup.
Principal Petersen: It's out of my hands. It's a state requirement. If you don't like it, take it up with your congressman.
Sheldon: I did. He won't return my calls.
Principal Petersen: Then I guess you're swimming tomorrow. [manic laughter, thunder clap and lightning]
Adult Sheldon: Except for the laughter, the glowing eyes and the lightning, that's exactly how it happened.

Adult Sheldon: Observation is an important part of the scientific method. Darwin observed the finches, Jane Goodall observed the chimpanzees, and for some reason, Dr. Sturgis wanted to observe my meemaw's new suitor.

Adult Sheldon: Many inventions changed people's lives for the better: the light bulb, the polio vaccine, and one that doesn't get enough credit, the home video cassette recorder. It didn't help keep people out of wheelchairs, but it did keep me from missing Star Trek.

Dale: So, George, how do I convince this one to come fishing with me next weekend?
Meemaw: I told you, nobody's gonna see this face after a night in a tent.
George: Mm. Smart. You don't want that mug scaring the fish.

Missy: Mom, we're going to Chuck E. Cheese!
Mary: We're not going anywhere. It's almost your bedtime. Sorry, hon.
Missy: Well, all that matters is that I'm the winner.
Sheldon: Yes, you are.
Adult Sheldon: Actually, I was the winner. We spent the whole day doing everything I love: drafting contracts, arguing about rules, and most importantly, never leaving the house.

Sheldon: Dad, the university offered to pay for us to go to California! They're even putting us up in a hotel.
George: You're kidding.
Missy: We're going to California?
Sheldon: No, just me and Dad.
Missy: That's fair. I'm so happy for you.
Adult Sheldon: Sometimes sarcasm was laid on so thick even I could detect it.
Sheldon: Thanks!
Adult Sheldon: This was not one of those times.

George: Mr. Spock! He flies around all the time in that spaceship. He's not afraid, is he?
Sheldon: I'm not Mr. Spock.
George: No, but-but I've seen you pretend to be him. Could you do that right now? You be Spock, I'll be Kirk.
Sheldon: Maybe.
George: Okay, Mr. Spock. Your first order is to return to your seat.
Sheldon: Aye, Captain.

Tam: Why are you reading about property code?
Sheldon: The house next door to mine is for sale, and I'm looking for ways to control who moves in there.
Tam: When my family moved to Texas, they burned our fishing boat.
Sheldon: Tam, we're talking about my problems right now.
Tam: We usually are.

Adult Sheldon: Later that day, we had a graduation party for me and my sister. I don't normally care for parties, but this one wasn't so bad.
Mary: Who's ready for cake?
Missy: Me!
Dale: Hey, should we say grace?
Mary: Heck, yeah! Let's hold hands.
Meemaw: Oh, cool. Let's say grace.
Adult Sheldon: Dale invited Jesus to the party, and while he wasn't on my guest list, it was okay because it made my mom happy.
Mary: And bless our friends and family...
Adult Sheldon: In fact, it was the best graduation party I had ever been to, until the one we had for my son, Leonard Cooper.
All: Amen.
Missy: Cake!
Adult Sheldon: I wanted his name to be Leonard "Nimoy" Cooper, but Amy wouldn't let me.
Amy: Be happy I let you name him Leonard!
Adult Sheldon: Okay, okay!
Amy: Love you.
Adult Sheldon: Love you, too.

Georgie: What do you want?
Sheldon: I was hoping you could help me build up my leg muscles to increase my speed.
Georgie: If you don't want people chasing you, be less annoying.

Georgie: Remember, the smart cheater gets some answers wrong.

President Hagemeyer: I must tell you that Sheldon was very excited to hear that you might be joining us.
Linda: Well, isn't he sweet?
Paige: He's a peach.
Sheldon: All right, I'm here. [to Hagemeyer] Hello. [to Linda] Hello. [coldly to Paige] Hello.
Paige: Hi, Sheldon. I'm so excited for you to show me around campus today.
Sheldon: The only reason I'm doing it is because...
President Hagemeyer: He's excited to do it, I'm excited he's doing it. Are you excited?
Linda: Sure.
President Hagemeyer: Everyone's excited. Yay.
Sheldon: [sighs] Come on, let's go.
Paige: You and me, together again. It just feels right, doesn't it? [Sheldon grumbles]

Mary: We're hiring a youth pastor.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: To help get young kids excited about God.
Missy: The same God who lets babies get thrown in rivers?
Mary: What?
Sheldon: We covered Moses in Sunday school.
Mary: Oh. Well, that was Old Testament God. He gets more fun later.

Sheldon: [knocks on door] Missy, I know you're upset. Would you like a hot beverage?
Missy: [o.s.] Go away.
Adult Sheldon: Every culture has their taboos. In the Ukraine, it's rude to whistle indoors, and they're correct. Not a fan. In our society, any discussion of human reproduction seems to be so upsetting, it causes nothing but chaos. Lost jobs. Lost friends. Sleepless nights. Even the word "sex" provokes an uncomfortable reaction. I thought "fornicate" might work, but that seemed too judgy. Then I found the perfect word, a word so bland and clinical that it would be impossible to take offense to it.
Sheldon: "Coitus." That'll work.