President Hagemeyer: All I'm asking you to do is to go to dinner, talk about science with a very nice and, more importantly, a very rich person.
Sheldon: Understood. No, thank you.
George Sr.: Buddy...
President Hagemeyer: All right, uh, Sheldon, I was brought to this school to help raise its profile, and one of the ways to do that is through grants and donations. You- You can understand that, right?
Sheldon: I understand that you would like to put the novelty of my age and advanced intellect on display to raise some cash.
President Hagemeyer: No. Sort of. [to George] Can I speak to you alone?
George Sr.: Will you give us a minute?
Sheldon: Very well. But if you're looking to see if my father will be a potential donor, you are barking up the wrong tree.

George Jr.: Where you going?
Meemaw: I got stuff to do.
George Jr.: Like what?
Meemaw: Just stuff.
George Jr.: Well, can you stop and get me something to eat?
Meemaw: No.
George Jr.: Why not?
Meemaw: 'Cause I got stuff to do.
George Jr.: Which you won't tell me.
Meemaw: 'Cause it's none of your damn business.
George Jr.: Is it illegal?
Meemaw: I'm not gonna play this game with you, Georgie.
George Jr.: Just give me the first letter.
Meemaw: Goodbye.

Mary: Should you really be reading in the car, baby?
Sheldon: I'll be fine.
Mary: You sure? You're not the one who'll have to clean up the oatmeal back there.
Sheldon: I said I'll be fine. And it's the blueberries you should be worried about.
Mary: Well, you're in a mood.
Sheldon: Maybe because there was so much bickering going on at home that I couldn't study.
Mary: Oh, I'm sorry if our family problems are getting in the way of your schoolwork.
Sheldon: I accept your apology. [vomits]
Mary: Oh...
Sheldon: Yep, blueberries.

Mary: Let's go.
Sheldon: But I came here with Tam.
Mary: Tam, you coming or not?
Tam: I'm good. [to Glenn, after Mary and Sheldon leave] As you can see, I'm not related to them.

Mary: I don't understand why you'd even be interested in a book like that.
Sheldon: One of the characters is a scientist who worked on the Manhattan Project.
Mary: Well, it's filled with violence and nudity, and you are done looking at it.
Sheldon: But comics are a form of art. You wouldn't forbid me from looking at Michelangelo's David just because he's nude.
Mary: When a statue of your naked blue fella is on display at the Vatican, we'll talk.
Sheldon: Actually, David is at the Accademia Gallery in Florence.
Mary: Doesn't matter. I don't want you looking at his bottom either.

Mandy: So, you really think my folks'll come around?
Meemaw: I don't know 'em, but babies have a magical power over people, especially grandparents.
Mandy: Is that how you felt when Georgie was born?
Meemaw: Oh, it was love at first sight.
Mandy: And then 17 years later he got me pregnant.
Meemaw: You're not gonna let that go, are you?
Mandy: Nope.
Meemaw: Hmm.

Missy: Boys are dumb.
Meemaw: D-U-M-B.
Missy: Dum-b?

Sheldon: Oh, you better pull over.
George Jr.: Oh, thank God.
Sheldon: Well, don't just sit there follow it.
George Jr.: Why?
Sheldon: It's an ambulance It's going to the hospital.

Meemaw: When Mary told me she was pregnant, I reacted pretty much the same way that your folks did. Not my finest moment.
Mandy: Let me guess, they got married and suddenly you were okay with it.
Meemaw: Hell no. I didn't want my daughter to marry that fat dumbass. I shouldn't have said that. He got fat later.
Mandy: I'd laugh, but my mom gained 70 pounds when she had my little brother.

Mandy: So, I told my folks about the baby.
Meemaw: And?
Mandy: They told me I'm on my own. They want nothing to do with me.
Meemaw: Sorry. Give it a minute, they still might come around.
Mandy: I didn't even get to the part where the father's 17 years old.
Meemaw: Something fun for next time.

George Jr.: What's Sheldon doing?
Mary: Cooking his own dinner.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: He wants to take care of himself like an adult.
George Jr.: I plan on putting that off for as long as possible.
George Sr.: Really? It's a plan?

George Jr.: You can't go around hitting people.
Missy: I had to do something.
Sheldon: Me too.
Missy: What did you do?
Sheldon: I ran and told the nearest adult.
George Jr.: I don't want you getting in trouble for me.
Missy: But Danny says you're going to hell.
George Jr.: I'm there now. Promise me.
Missy: Fine.
George Jr.: And I know you ain't hitting nobody.
Sheldon: You are correct, sir.

Pastor Jeff: So, shall we get to the business at hand?
Mary: Obviously, we're... mortified by Missy's behavior.
George Sr.: Even though it sounds like that punk had it coming.
Pastor Jeff: While his words were out of line, it brings us to the bigger issue, which is... people are talking about Georgie.
George Sr.: Bunch of holy rollers with no lives.

Meemaw: Hey, Moon Pie. What's going on here?
Sheldon: That's an excellent question. Too bad there's no answer.
Meemaw: Well, you need to get out of bed.
Sheldon: I don't need to do anything.
Meemaw: Okay, I'm gonna count to three.
Sheldon: Dad already counted to three.
Meemaw: Oh. Did he try the Texas thing?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: In that case, look at you, lyin' there. When a Texan gets knocked off a horse, he gets right back on. That is the second most important thing about bein' a Texan, right after thinkin' you're better than everybody else.
Sheldon: Maybe the horse gets back on the Texan. Who's to say?
Meemaw: I don't know what that means.
Sheldon: That's because you can't know anything. If you need to stare at the ceiling and contemplate the futility of existence, Missy's bed is available.

President Hagemeyer: So... how do we get your son to cooperate?
George Sr.: I've been asking myself that since day one.
President Hagemeyer: Look, I don't mean to put pressure on you, but there's a lot of pressure on me, so I'm going to put it on you.
George Sr.: Look, I'm sorry, isn't there anyone else who can go to dinner with this guy?
President Hagemeyer: So I have a unicorn in my zoo, but I should trot out a goat, is that what you're saying? Would you donate a new library to have dinner with a goat?
George Sr.: What restaurant?
President Hagemeyer: Mr. Cooper, I need you to understand something. This university relies on donations for everything. For upkeep, for salaries, for scholarships, like the one your son is currently on.
George Sr.: I'll talk to him.
President Hagemeyer: Thank you. And when you go to dinner, wear real pants.

Mrs. Costello: There's always Harvard.
Sheldon: Hmm. I don't like cold weather, but I do look good in maroon. All right, Harvard it is. Thank you for your help.

Dr. Eberland: Sheldon, you have nothing to worry about. Even if you did get the flu, it's usually over in a week.
Sheldon: Why are we getting medical advice from a man who smokes?
Mary: Sheldon.
Dr. Eberland: O-Okay, I have patients who are actually sick. Maybe we should wrap this up.
Sheldon: How come you don't get sick all the time?
Dr. Eberland: Well, I take precautions. I wash my hands, I wear gloves and a mask.

Coach Wilkins: Are you okay?
George Sr.: Oh, jim-dandy.
Coach Wilkins: Is this one of those times where you say you don't want to talk about it, and then you make me go to the bar, and then you talk about it?
George Sr.: No.
Coach Wilkins: All right.
[cut to George and Coach Wilkins at a bar:]
George Sr.: I'm gonna tell you something.
Coach Wilkins: Lay it on me.
George Sr.: This is serious. You can't tell anyone.
Coach Wilkins: Okay.
George Sr.: Georgie got a girl pregnant.
Coach Wilkins: Wow. Oh. Congratulations?
George Sr.: On having a dope for a son? Thanks.
Coach Wilkins: Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but weren't you a similar kind of dope with Mary?
George Sr.: It's different. Georgie's, like, 11 years younger than this girl.
Coach Wilkins: That is different. [to the bartender] We're gonna need a couple shots over here.

Sheldon: Sorry again for being distracted earlier.
Dr. Linkletter: And I'm so sorry you got locked out. I don't know how that happened.
Sheldon: My brother got a girl pregnant. My mom wanted me to promise I wouldn't tell, but I never did, so technically, I'm not breaking my word.
Dr. Linkletter: I don't care.
Sheldon: Thank you. But it's a secret, so please don't tell anyone.
Dr. Linkletter: Don't you have somewhere to go?
Sheldon: No.

Adult Sheldon: It was past my bedtime, but who could sleep with a page-turner like Meditations on First Philosophy by René Descartes? Descartes was more than just a philosopher. He was also the mathematician who invented the Cartesian plane. If you've ever enjoyed that X squared plus Y squared equals K is a circle, you can say merci beaucoup to Monsieur Descartes.