Sheldon: We have to keep fighting. If Antonie van Leeuwenhoek had given up, where would we be?
President Hagemeyer: Where would we be?
Sheldon: In a world without microscopes.
President Hagemeyer: Because that guy invented them?
Sheldon: Boy, did he. At least the first modern microscope. He's known as the father of microbiology. I have a good book on him I could loan you. Anyway, we can't give up.
President Hagemeyer: Hey, you are preaching to the choir, but... [scoffs] I mean, what can we do?
Sheldon: I could write to some science luminaries, try get them on our side. Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan. Not Antonie van Leeuwenhoek. He's dead.
President Hagemeyer: All right, but just on the off chance that they're too busy to reply, I think that you should get out there on campus, talk to students, change their minds.
Sheldon: One-on-one? That could take months.
President Hagemeyer: Great.

Alex Trebek: [on TV] Animated films. Frog anatomy. The Bible.
Missy: Why are you watching Jeopardy?
George Sr.: Sheldon's not the only one who likes to learn stuff.
Missy: You don't know where the remote is.
George Sr.: It's right here. It's just out of batteries.
Missy: Want me to get some?
George Sr.: A can of beer while you're up.

Mary: Is Georgie here?
George Sr.: No, I think he's still at work.
Mary: Do you know that that Laundromat is just a front for gambling?
Missy: Cool.
Mary: Missy Cooper, that was not for your ears. Go to your room.

George Sr.: The point is, he didn't listen to us then, he's not gonna listen now.
Mary: So, we do nothing?
George Sr.: We let him make his own mistakes.
Mary: That just sounds like another way of saying we do nothing. I'm gonna go down there.
George Sr.: And that's a mistake I'm gonna let you make. [Mary sighs] [TV continues indistinctly] Missy! Batteries!

Adult Sheldon: Trying to outsmart my own thought patterns proved to be challenging. It's understandable, as smart as I was, I was also that smart. I wondered if I could invent a mind control device, but that sounded a little too "mwah ha ha" even for me. It turned out the device I was looking for had been in my presence the entire time. Television. It had been tranquilizing the minds of America's youth for generations, and it was just what I needed.
Man: [on TV] Lift off.
Sheldon: Too interesting. [turns to The Three Stooges] Too violent. [turns to game show involving slime] I don't think so.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Now, then, let's build us a little cloud. Clouds are very free. Very, very free. Tell you what. Shoot, that was so much fun, let's get crazy...
Sheldon: Who's this bohemian?

George Sr.: All right, almost there. Hand me a screwdriver.
Billy Sparks: Don't stick this in an outlet. It really tingles.
Brenda Sparks: We had an incident.

Missy: How can you remember this stupid information, but not the stuff on your test?
Sheldon: You tell me, they're your yips.
Missy: Sheldon, if I knew how to make it stop, I would tell you.
Sheldon: You better.
Missy: Maybe it's puberty making you all emotional.
Sheldon: I checked my armpits... Smooth as balloons. [Missy groans]

George Sr.: Hey. [Sheldon groans] What's your problem?
Sheldon: I don't want to talk about it.
George Sr.: Great.
Sheldon: I had a mental block on a test and it was something that I absolutely know how to do.
George Sr.: Oh, you know, that sort of thing happens in sports, too.
Sheldon: I know. It's called the yips, and it's a very silly name for a very serious problem.
George Sr.: Well, you know, the best thing to do is get out of your head.
Sheldon: How do I do that?
George Sr.: Just turn your brain off.
Sheldon: It's like I'm not even your son.

Sheldon: Another fun footwear slogan is "I'm Buster Brown. I live in a shoe. That's my dog Tige. Look for him there, too."
George Sr.: Mm, I think mine is more helpful.
Sheldon: Well, mine rhymes, so...

Adult Sheldon: I decided to heed my father's advice. I wasn't sure how to turn off my brain. Thankfully, I lived with an expert.
[Sheldon knocks on the garage door. Georgie opens it]
George Jr.: What's up?
[inside:]
George Jr.: I've never really thought about not thinking before.
Sheldon: Well, I'm asking you to think about it.
George Jr.: But I thought you were interested in not thinking.
Sheldon: I am. I want you to think about not thinking, and then teach me how to do it.
George Jr.: Do what?
Sheldon: Not think.
George Jr.: All right. [silence] This is tough. I'm good at not thinking, but I don't think I can teach you how to not think without thinking.
Sheldon: Hmm, well, thank you for trying.

George Jr.: Hold on! What if you're thinking about something else instead? Would that count as thinking or not thinking?
Sheldon: I suppose it's similar to the mantras extolled by the sages of the East. It's a practice that Swami Vivekananda called Japa Yoga and it's intended to bring out a single-pointedness of concentration.
George Jr.: Sorry, I zoned out.
Sheldon: Ooh, tell me how.
George Jr.: Let's see. You were blabbering. It all started to blur together. And I was gone.
Sheldon: At what point did it start to happen?
George Jr.: I don't know. Say it again. I said I suppose it's similar to the mantras extolled by the sages of the East. It's a practice that Swami Vivekananda called Japa Yoga... [Sheldon's voice slows down] [Indian traditional music plays] [Georgie imagines Sheldon with a third eye in the middle of his forehead]
George Jr.: That is wild.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, armed with the sage advice of my father, my brother, and an executed murderer, I was allowed to retake the test.
Dr. Linkletter: You have 45 minutes starting now.
Sheldon: [inner monologue] Okay, just do it. Just do it. Just turn your brain off and do it. Is it off? Am I doing it? Wait, if I'm thinking it's off, then it must still be on. I'm trying too hard. Don't overthink, just do it. Just do it, just...
Dr. Linkletter: Time's up.
Sheldon: But I didn't do it.
Dr. Linkletter: Waste my morning? You did it.

President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I'm not the one who made your schedule.
Sheldon: No, but as the president of the university, you do have the power to adjust the class times.
President Hagemeyer: So, you expect me to disrupt the schedule of hundreds of students for your convenience?
Sheldon: Finally, we're on the same page.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I have work to do, and I'm sure that you can solve this one on your own.
Sheldon: I suppose a nap might be refreshing. What kind of lumbar support does that couch have?
President Hagemeyer: That's it. Come with me.

Mary: And if you're gonna take naps in your dorm, you might want an alarm clock.
George Sr.: And remember, no parties. [Sheldon is silent] That was a joke.
Sheldon: And now I know.

June: Hey, y'all.
Meemaw: Hey, June. Glad you finally came down.
June: This is so fun, sneaking in through the back alley. [chuckles] Y'all should get a secret knock.
George Jr.: 'Cause secrets are fun, right?
June: Absolutely.
George Jr.: [to Meemaw] Told you.
Meemaw: Go do your job.
June: So, how's this all work?
Meemaw: You play, you lose, you go home smelling like cigarettes.
June: You just described my love life. [Meemaw laughs]

Meemaw: So, how we doing?
George Jr.: Not bad, but I still think if you let me advertise, we could get more people in here.
Meemaw: How do you advertise a place that ain't exactly legal?
George Jr.: People love secrets. We could get flyers that say, "Come to our secret gambling room, but, shh, don't tell anybody."
Meemaw: That's how I feel about your ideas, "Shh, don't tell anybody."

George Sr.: Tell me about your fun bachelor life.
Principal Petersen: Well, as of last week, I officially tasted every Campbell's soup.
George Sr.: [laughing] Come on, Tom. I'm trying to live vicariously here. There's got to be something good.
Principal Petersen: Let's see, I go hunting and fishing whenever I feel like it.
George Sr.: Now we're getting somewhere.
Principal Petersen: Spend my money on whatever I want.
George Sr.: Mm. What was the last thing you got?
Principal Petersen: Foreman fight on pay-per-view. I ate a bucket of chicken and watched it in my underwear.
George Sr.: You lucky bastard.
Principal Petersen: Uh-huh.

Principal Petersen: If you could have any job in the high school, what would it be?
George Sr.: [laughs] I don't know, why?
Principal Petersen: Sometimes I look at the janitor pushing around that buffing machine. That thing looks like a blast. He doesn't wear a tie. No fights with the school board. Vomit and feces aside, he's, he's living the dream.

Dr. Linkletter: All right, Sheldon, time to turn in your test.
Sheldon: I'm not done yet.
Dr. Linkletter: [sighs] I know you like to add your own "better questions" at the end, but for the last time, I don't count them.
Sheldon: I just need a few more minutes on this problem.
Dr. Linkletter: That's an easy one. Just apply the zeroes of the Bessel function.
Sheldon: I know what I have to do.
Dr. Linkletter: Is this is a tantrum? I've heard children your age like to throw them.

Adult Sheldon: From grade school to high school, every moment of the day is accounted for. From the morning bell to dismissal, you knew where you were supposed to be, what you were going to be learning, and which poor excuse for a teacher you would have to correct.
[flashback:]
Sheldon: Ms. Ingram, can I offer a suggestion?
Ms. Ingram: What?
Sheldon: Never mind. You do it your way.
[flashback:]
Mr. Givens: Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I don't find that interesting.
[flashback:]
Coach Wilkins: Cooper? [sighs]
Sheldon: If you're going to ask us to run, don't you think you should lead by example?
[present:]
Adult Sheldon: None of this prepared me for the gap-filled, Swiss cheese anarchy of a college schedule. Look at these poor saps. Desperately trying to occupy their time until the next class.