Principal Petersen: If you could have any job in the high school, what would it be?
George: [laughs] I don't know, why?
Principal Petersen: Sometimes I look at the janitor pushing around that buffing machine. That thing looks like a blast. He doesn't wear a tie. No fights with the school board. Vomit and feces aside, he's, he's living the dream.

George: Tell me about your fun bachelor life.
Principal Petersen: Well, as of last week, I officially tasted every Campbell's soup.
George: [laughing] Come on, Tom. I'm trying to live vicariously here. There's got to be something good.
Principal Petersen: Let's see, I go hunting and fishing whenever I feel like it.
George: Now we're getting somewhere.
Principal Petersen: Spend my money on whatever I want.
George: Mm. What was the last thing you got?
Principal Petersen: Foreman fight on pay-per-view. I ate a bucket of chicken and watched it in my underwear.
George: You lucky bastard.
Principal Petersen: Uh-huh.

Dr. Linkletter: All right, Sheldon, time to turn in your test.
Sheldon: I'm not done yet.
Dr. Linkletter: [sighs] I know you like to add your own "better questions" at the end, but for the last time, I don't count them.
Sheldon: I just need a few more minutes on this problem.
Dr. Linkletter: That's an easy one. Just apply the zeroes of the Bessel function.
Sheldon: I know what I have to do.
Dr. Linkletter: Is this is a tantrum? I've heard children your age like to throw them.

Brenda Sparks: That toilet won't stop running.
George: Have you tried jiggling the handle?
Brenda Sparks: I jiggled it, wiggled it. Damn near had a baby with it.
George: [chuckles] Yeah, let me take a look.
Brenda Sparks: I was fixing to put some dinner on, if you care to join me.
George: I don't want to put you out.
Brenda Sparks: It's just frozen lasagna. But I'm going oven instead of microwave, 'cause you're company.

Meemaw: Hey.
Dale: Hey! Came to see your man be a leader of little people, huh?
Meemaw: I came to see my granddaughter pitch.
Dale: Yeah, under my leadership. All right, Cooper, let's see what you got. Come on, girl! [Missy pitches] Come on, shake it off! You got this. [Missy pitches again] What the hell was that?
Meemaw: Well, there's some leadership.

Dale: Cooper, what is the problem?
Missy: The ball isn't going where it's supposed to.
Dale: I saw that.
Missy: What am I doing wrong?
Dale: Just a little case of the yips. It happens.
Missy: What's that?
Dale: The yips... you know, it's when you're thinking about stuff in your head and something you've done a million times, you can't do it anymore. Even the pros get it.
Missy: How do I get rid of it?
Dale: Uh, just don't think about it.
Missy: Okay. [sighs]
Dale: Don't think, just throw. [Missy pitches] [crowd groans] I hate the little people.

George: Okay, give her a go.
Brenda Sparks: [engine starts] You're a lifesaver.
George: It's a gift.
Brenda Sparks: Can I offer you a beer and some thank-you cobbler?
George: Weren't you on your way somewhere?
Brenda Sparks: Weight Watchers. [George laughs] What do you say?
George: Eh, sure. Do guys ever go to those Weight Watchers meetings?
Brenda Sparks: Yeah, but they're all fat.

George: Where's your trash?
Brenda Sparks: Everywhere. But the basket's under the sink.
George: Mm. [exhales] You know your faucet's leaking?
Brenda Sparks: Yep, this whole place is falling apart.
George: Well... I'll come over another time, and take care of it.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. You know, you don't have to do that. One more?
George: I should get going.
Brenda Sparks: Well, thanks again. [the door handle comes off in George's hand] Want to buy a house?

Mary: Hey, where you been?
George: Ah, Brenda was having car trouble. Just giving her hand.
Mary: That's nice. I'm sure it's hard being by herself.
George: [chuckles] Yeah. That whole house is in need of repair.
Mary: I hope you offered to help her out.
George: I did... she said no.
Mary: Well, that's just her being proud. Of course she wants your help.
George: [stammers] I guess some time I'll pop over.
Mary: Good. And when you go, hitch up your pants. There's a lot going on when you squat.

Billy Sparks: What now?
George: Uh, run outside and turn the water back on.
Billy Sparks: [hands over screwdriver] Here, I'm not allowed to run with this.
Brenda Sparks: We've had a lot of incidents.

Brenda Sparks: Who knew you were so handy?
George: Yeah. There's just things guys need to be good at.
Brenda Sparks: What else you good at? [water sputters]
George: I should go.

George: Hey, pretty lady.
Mary: Are you drinking already?
George: [laughs] No! Can't a guy give his wife a compliment?
Mary: Do I have to smell your breath?
George: How about a kiss instead?
Mary: What is with you?
George: Well, I don't know. Kids aren't home.
Mary: Now? I'm doing laundry.
George: Laundry can wait.
Mary: So can your thing.
George: I like to think of it as ourthing, but if you only have time for my thing, that's fine, too.
Mary: You're being weird.
George: Weird sexy?
Mary: No.
George: Headed to the bedroom?
Mary: No!
George: Just checking. [sighs]

Missy: How can you remember this stupid information, but not the stuff on your test?
Sheldon: You tell me, they're your yips.
Missy: Sheldon, if I knew how to make it stop, I would tell you.
Sheldon: You better.
Missy: Maybe it's puberty making you all emotional.
Sheldon: I checked my armpits... Smooth as balloons. [Missy groans]

George: What are you doing?
Brenda Sparks: What do you mean?
George: [scoffs] You know what I mean.
Brenda Sparks: I was just trying to thank you. And you're the one who offered to come over here and fix things.
George: I was being nice.
Brenda Sparks: So was I.
George: Yeah, maybe a little too nice.
Brenda Sparks: There is no pleasing you.
George: Well, I don't need this here. I can get fighting at my house.
Brenda Sparks: Then maybe you should go back to your house.
Billy Sparks: [o.s.] Mom, can you help with my homework?
Brenda Sparks: There in a sec. [to George] You leaving?
George: You gonna fix the toilet?
Brenda Sparks: No.
George: Then I guess I'm not leaving.
Brenda Sparks: Thank you. Lasagna?
George: Small piece. Mary's making tacos.

George: [chuckles] What about women?
Principal Petersen: [sighs] Honestly... it's tough to meet people at this age.
George: No, come on, charming fella like you?
Principal Petersen: [scoffs] Sadly, this is the best night out I've had in a long time.
George: Yeah. Me, too.
Principal Petersen: But if you know anybody, send them my way.
George: Yeah, I'll think about.
Principal Petersen: You ever eat chicken in your underwear?
George: What do you think?
Principal Petersen: Yes.
George: Yes.