Sheldon: How long do I have to sit here and sulk before someone asks me what's wrong?
Mary: Maybe people are tired of hearing about it.
Sheldon: Ms. Hutchins, would you care to chime in?
Ms. Hutchins: Oh, I-I don't want to get in the middle of a family issue, but... I will say that I once had a falling out with someone very close to me.
Sheldon: What happened?
Ms. Hutchins: We ended up parting ways on bad terms. I-I still regret it.
Sheldon: But you were right and they were wrong?
Ms. Hutchins: You know what, it doesn't feel like it matters anymore. And not a day goes by that I don't miss them.
Sheldon: Perhaps I do owe Dr. Sturgis an apology.
Ms. Hutchins: I was talking about your mother.
Sheldon: I'll circle back to her.

Sheldon: I'm really sorry, Mom.
Mary: I forgive you. But just because you straightened things out with Dr. Sturgis doesn't mean you're going back to college.
Sheldon: Yes, it does.
Mary: No, it doesn't.
Sheldon: I hope you know you're jeopardizing our relationship.
Mary: I will take that risk. [kiss] Good night.
Sheldon: You know I'll eventually wear you down.
Mary: We'll see. I'm pretty tough.
Adult Sheldon: I eventually wore her down. There's just so much of me anybody can take.

Sheldon: What's going on?
Mary: It looks like Pastor Jeff and Robin are gonna move in next door.
Pastor Jeff: And that's not the only news.
Officer Robin: We're expecting.
Mary: Oh! What a beautiful blessing!
Pastor Jeff: Hey, Sheldon, maybe someday you can babysit for us.
[fantasy scene of Sheldon cradling a crying baby in his arms:]
Sheldon: [singing] Rock-a-bye, baby.
[present:]
Mary: Where you going?
Sheldon: To apply for college.
Pastor Jeff: When he sees the baby, he'll come around.
Sheldon: No, I won't.

Dr. Bowers: Okay, Sheldon, we're gonna put the mask on. Now you just breathe normally and count back from 100.
Sheldon: But counting back from 100 isn't complex enough to occupy my mind.
Dr. Bowers: You're up again.
Mary: Why don't you think of something more sciencey? Like counting pi. That's a thing, right? Pi?
Sheldon: I can't count pi, it's an irrational number. But I can embrace the spirit of your proposal and calculate the matrix coefficients necessary for a unified field theory.
Dr. Bowers: Do that. Hit it.
Sheldon: [slurring] Of the four fundamental forces, the most difficult to unify is gravity because...
Dr. Bowers: Oh, thank God.

[fantasy scene:]
Dr. John Sturgis: Step right up. Step right up for your chance to meet Thoth! The Egyptian god of knowledge. He has all the answers. No question too big or small. Hello, young man. Do you have a question you'd like to pose?
Sheldon: I do, but nobody in the history of science has ever been able to answer it.
Dr. John Sturgis: [laughs] Well, they haven't asked the great god Thoth! Right this way! Ask your question.

[fantasy scene:]
Sheldon: Do you really possess all knowledge?
Thoth: You only get one question, kid. You want that to be it?
Sheldon: Oh. No. How can I unify the four fundamental forces of the universe?
Thoth: Now we're talking. In order to unify gravity, you must first understand that it is a distortion of space-time.
[reality:]
Sheldon: [mumbling] Gravity. Of course.
Dr. Bowers: He even talks in his sleep. Why am I not surprised?

Mary: Look who's awake. How are you feelin'?
Sheldon: I had a dream. I solved a unified field theory.
Mary: Well, good for you.
Sheldon: But I can't remember it.
Mary: Hmm. Well, you were mumblin' something about gravity and forces.
Sheldon: You need to be more specific.
Mary: Shelly, you weren't makin' much sense.
Sheldon: Mother, a unified field theory is the holy grail of physics. Solving it would be the greatest breakthrough in the history of science.
Missy: And you forgot it. That's funny.

Sheldon: Okay, grand unified field theory, here I come. [groans] This isn't working.
Albert Einstein: [v.o.] I disagree. Seems to be working fine and dandy.
Sheldon: Mr. Einstein? I'm very excited to talk to you, but I was hoping to hear from Thoth, the Egyptian god of knowledge, so he could teach me the grand unified field theory again.
Albert Einstein: Ooh, the grand unified field theory! Well, la-di-da.
Sheldon: He told it to me in a dream, but I can't remember.

Adult Sheldon: While I made my peace with not having the solution to a unified field theory, my intestines did not make peace with concentrated chamomile syrup.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. Bathroom emergency! Bathroom emergency!

Sheldon: Safety pins, safety scissors, no safety goggles.
[cut to Sheldon looking under a student's desk:]
Sheldon: Did you happen to see a pair of safety goggles?
Ms. Ingram: Sheldon, we're in the middle of a test.
Sheldon: Sorry. [whispers] I can't give you the answer, but what you have is not even close.
Ms. Ingram: Out!
[cut to a girl crying in Principal Petersen's office:]
Principal Petersen: These things happen.
Girl: [sobs]
Principal Petersen: My mother had me when she was young.
Sheldon: [enters] Sorry to interrupt. I can't find my safety goggles.
Principal Petersen: Well, they're not here.
Sheldon: I have to find them. Nothing's more important than protection!
Girl: [sobs loudly]

Mary: What time is the game?
Missy: 12:30.
Sheldon: Why are we talking about baseball and not my impending docent-hood?
Missy: Who wants to tell him it's stupid?
George Sr.: Leave it alone.
Missy: And why do they make you wear that goofy costume?
Sheldon: Ha. They don't. This is all me.

Billy Sparks: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Not now, Billy. I'm in the middle of a math problem.
Billy Sparks: Okay. [chicken clucks]
Sheldon: [checks stop watch] Darn it.

Mary: Why not ride your bike?
Sheldon: I considered that, but I can't let my colleagues see me with training wheels. They'll think I'm a child.
Meemaw: Can't have that.
Sheldon: Mm-mm. See any fuzz growing?
Meemaw: Let me look. [tickles Sheldon]
Sheldon: Hey. [laughs] No, Meemaw! Bad Meemaw.

George Sr.: You okay?
Sheldon: My arm really hurts. I want Mom.
George Sr.: You got me. Now, let me take a look.
Sheldon: Don't touch it.
George Sr.: I'm not gonna hurt you.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but you are too big to be delicate.
Billy Sparks: I'm delicate.

Mary: Don't worry, baby. You're gonna be just fine.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
George Sr.: That's what I been saying the whole time.
Sheldon: But she cherishes me.

Sheldon: I will not be denied my jelly. [lid pops] Yes! Watch out, peanut butter. You're next.

Pastor Jeff: Who would like to tell us how God touched their lives this week? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: He didn't, because He doesn't exist.
Pastor Jeff: Then why raise your hand?
Sheldon: Not just any hand. My left hand. Because I'm able to overcome any obstacle.
Pastor Jeff: And maybe God helped you do that.
Sheldon: Actually, it was Stephen Hawking, and he's better because he exists.
Pastor Jeff: Yes, 'cause God made him. Anybody else? [Billy raises his hand] Billy.
Billy Sparks: Is this gonna be on the test?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, boy.

Sheldon: Your mother lets you wear lipstick?
Paige: Of course not.
Sheldon: Interesting. Does she know you're leading a double life?
Paige: Grow up.
Sheldon: Why do you think you're rebelling against parental authority?
Paige: Isn't it obvious? I'm having a textbook reaction to their divorce.
Sheldon: What textbook? Did you get it from the library?

Paige: What do you think the prize is? We get to go home?
Sheldon: Is the joke that leaving would be a reward?
Paige: Yes.
Sheldon: I get that joke. [smirks]

Sheldon: Judah was the father of Perez and Zerah by Tamar, Perez was the father of Hezron, and Hezron was the father of Ram.
George Sr.: Why's he reading the Bible?
Sheldon: To humiliate and destroy Paige at Bible camp.
Mary: That.