Brenda Sparks: Now, I think he cared more about those stupid chickens than he did me.
Meemaw: Oh, that's not true.
Brenda Sparks: He took them when he left.
Meemaw: Okay, that's a tough one. Give me a sec.

Dale: Well, you're not a fan of doctors, huh?
Meemaw: They never have good news. They just want to find something wrong.
Dale: It's kind of their job.
Meemaw: If something's wrong with me, I don't want to know about it.
Dale: That's dumb.
Meemaw: No, it's not. If I'm gonna drop dead, I'd rather do it quick and leave lookin' good.

Meemaw: How's that salad?
Dale: It sucks. How's your steak?
Meemaw: You know how they overcook it sometimes so it's a little bit dry?
Dale: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: Not this time. It's so good.
Dale: You know what else is good? This radish.
Meemaw: Would you like some steak?
Dale: Yes.
Meemaw: Then you probably should've ordered some. It's delicious.
Dale: You are not a very nice lady.
Meemaw: [softly] Mmm.

Meemaw: My husband went to the doctor. And they found something. Two days later, he was in surgery. Nine months later, he was dead.
Dale: Geez.
Meemaw: I don't want that. And I, I don't want to put anybody else through that.
Dale: I'm sorry.
Meemaw: Mm.
Dale: I hope you stick around long enough to start looking like a mummy, too.
Meemaw: [chuckles] I always pictured myself more the Bride of Frankenstein type.
Dale: Well, you got the hair for it.

Dale: I want to live so long I start looking like a mummy.
Meemaw: [chuckles] You're off to a strong start.
Dale: Hey.

George Sr.: Tow truck's on the way.
Mary: You sure we shouldn't call an ambulance?
Meemaw: I'm fine. Sheldon?
Sheldon: I feel fine.
George Sr.: What happened?
Meemaw: Oh, a cat ran in front of me.
George Sr.: You couldn't stop?
Meemaw: I tried, but the brake just gave out.
Mary: Well, thank goodness it wasn't worse.
Meemaw: I should have aimed for the cat.

Clayton: Connie Tucker?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Clayton: Give me one second. I'll help you in.
Meemaw: No, no, I don't need your help. I can get it myself.
Hortense: She opened that door by herself.
Vern: Looks like we got a feisty one.
Meemaw: Don't test me.
Hortense: Oh, yeah, she's feisty.
Doris: What?
Hortense & Vern: She's feisty! [Meemaw closes the van door]
Doris: What?

Edwin: Hey, Connie. Waiting for the mail?
Meemaw: Yeah. You know me.
Edwin: Yeah. Oh. Something from Publishers Clearing House. Maybe you won.
Meemaw: Yeah, wouldn't that be something?
Edwin: Yeah. You know, people think Publishers Clearing House is Ed McMahon, but that's actually a different company.
Meemaw: Is that so?
Edwin: Yeah. Publishers Clearing House is the Prize Patrol with the giant check. Ed McMahon...
Meemaw: Well, it sure is nice talking to you, Edwin. Bye.
Edwin: Oh. The church van. My grandma rides that sometimes.
Meemaw: Edwin.
Edwin: Hmm?
Meemaw: Beat it.
Edwin: All right. Yep.

Meemaw: [on the phone] I don't care what your guy says. Have him check it again. [hangs up] Sorry, I'm cranky.
Dale: No problem. I like when you yell at people who aren't me.
Meemaw: Stupid mechanic said the brakes are just fine.
Dale: Well, you probably stepped on the wrong pedal.
Meemaw: I didn't.
Dale: I'm just saying, it happens with people our age, you know.
Meemaw: I've been driving my whole life. I know which pedal is which.
Dale: Now you're yelling at me.
Meemaw: Sorry.

George Sr.: Looks like your car's gonna be out of commission for a while.
Mary: If you need a ride, the church offers a shuttle service.
Meemaw: I'm not getting on that geezer bus.
Mary: It's just for people who can't get around.
Meemaw: That's 'cause they're so shriveled up, they can't even see over the steering wheel.
George Sr.: I've driven that van... it is grim.

Vern: Sarah did a real nice job on my cuticles.
Hortense: Yeah.
Meemaw: So where we headed next? And don't say dinner.
Hortense: Oh, but it's almost 4:00.
Doris: What?!
Hortense: [loudly] It's almost 4:00.
Doris: Ooh, dinnertime.
Meemaw: Just get in.
Hortense: Ooh. She's like a muscle man.

Meemaw: So, I was singing karaoke with my girlfriend who used to be married to the guy I'm currently dating.
Doris: What the heck is a karaoke?
Meemaw: It's when you stand up and sing in front of everybody at the bar.
Vern: You're like a Las Vegas showgirl. [Hortense laughs]
Meemaw: Oh, no, no, anybody can do it. I'll take you sometime.
Vern: Oh, please. Can we?
Hortense: Well, could I sing "Blue Suede Shoes"?
Meemaw: You bet.
Vern: You better turn your hearing aid down for that one.
Doris: You got that right.

Meemaw: I just think it'd kill me to lose my independence like that.
Hortense: Oh, it's not so bad. Sometimes Clayton takes us to the park.
Vern: Like dogs.
Meemaw: I got places to go... Bowling league, water aerobics, I drive my grandson to college.
Hortense: Why can't he drive himself?
Meemaw: Well, he's 11.
Hortense: Wha...?
Vern: 11 and in college?
Meemaw: He's special.
Hortense: Our grandson is 27.
Vern: Mm, he may be the other kind of special.

Clayton: Hey, I'm just gonna run Doris into the bank. We'll be back in a minute. [Doris is walking off] Doris. Whoa. [closes van door]
Hortense: You seem like you can get around, so why are you in this geezer-buggy?
Meemaw: I had a little car accident.
Hortense: Oh, no.
Vern: Ooh. Anybody get hurt?
Meemaw: Only the tree.
Vern: Step on the wrong pedal?
Meemaw: No. Maybe.
Hortense: Maybe, my ass.
Vern: Hey, that sort of thing happens.
Hortense: Oh. He drove into all kinds of stuff before they took his keys away.
Vern: [chuckles] Remember the goose?
Hortense: Ooh.
Vern: Feathers everywhere.

Vern: Vern.
Meemaw: Connie.
Vern: Where you headed, Connie?
Hortense: Stop flirting with her.
Vern: I'm not flirting with her. I was being cordial.
Hortense: Mm-hmm. I'm Hortense, his wife, which, clearly, he seems to have forgotten.
Vern: Judas Priest, give it a rest.
Hortense: That's Doris.
Meemaw: Hello, Doris.
Doris: What?
Vern: Turn on your hearing aid.
Meemaw: It's nice to meet y'all. And to answer your question, I'm headed to the salon.
Hortense: Oh, fancy. We're headed to the pharmacy.
Vern: Seven pills a day.
Hortense: You take nine... Clearly one ain't working.
Doris: Okay, I'm on. What'd I miss?
Hortense: She's headed to the salon!
Doris: Ooh, fancy.

Meemaw: Tell me, when was the last time you went and got all dolled up at a salon?
Doris: I don't even remember.
Hortense: It's been years.
Vern: Does it look like I go to a salon?
Meemaw: We're going now. I'm gonna take you, and it's on me.
Vern: This is exciting. [laughter] It's a good thing I got my heart pills.

Adult Sheldon: That night, my meemaw was so inspired to be part of our science experiment, she began working on it as soon as she got home. She was in the zone. She was focused. She was determined. She was also 68 and had eaten a lot of pizza.
Meemaw: [snoring]
[dream sequence:]
Announcer: [v.o.] And the Nobel Prize for Science goes to Connie Tucker! [applause]
Meemaw: Oh, my goodness, y'all are so sweet. [chuckles] I want to thank my brilliant grandson Sheldon and his pal Dr. Linkletter, for bringing me in on the experiment. I'd like to thank my Aunt Linda for teaching me to crochet when I was knee-high to a June bug. [laughter] And everyone, for making me... "The Meemaw of Science." [cheering, applause]
Audience: [chanting] Meemaw! Meemaw! Meemaw!

Meemaw: Can I ask... why exactly are we looking for solar neutrinos?
Sheldon: Other experiments have only seen about half the neutrinos coming from the Sun.
Dr. Linkletter: And we'd like to figure out why.
Meemaw: And what happens if we do?
Dr. Linkletter: They will tell us what kind of nuclear reactions are going on there.
Meemaw: In the Sun?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes.
Meemaw: That's so far... how?
Sheldon: Neutrinos are made deep within the core of the Sun. They have to go over a hundred times the radius of Earth just to get out.
Meemaw: Mm, kind of like how you can drive all day and still be in Texas.
Dr. Linkletter: Exactly, then they have to travel another 93 million miles just to get here.
Meemaw: Huh.
Sheldon: Neutrinos are essentially direct messengers from the center of the Sun.
Dr. Linkletter: That's why we're building the prototype.
Meemaw: And I get to be a part of it?
Dr. Linkletter: You do.
Meemaw: Damn. Is there any money in it?
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Meemaw: Damn.

Meemaw: So what am I making this thing out of?
Dr. Linkletter: We were using wire, but that might be difficult to crochet with.
Meemaw: Oh, please, I could crochet barbed wire with a chopstick if I had to.

Dr. Linkletter: Connie, would you help us detect solar neutrinos?
Meemaw: Really? You-you-you want me to be a part of your science thing?
Dr. Linkletter: Indeed.
Meemaw: Well... sure, why not.
Dr. Linkletter: [chuckles] Excellent.
Adult Sheldon: And just like that, my meemaw had been seduced by the siren call of science.
Meemaw: But before we unravel the secrets of the universe, I'm gonna hit the john.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh... of course.