Meemaw: You're gonna love Ira. He's a great guy.
Sheldon: Is he your boyfriend?
Meemaw: Well, he's one of them, so let's not bring that up.

Meemaw: Well, I don't understand how you could turn this down. This place looks fantastic.
Mary: It's 200 miles away, Mom.
Meemaw: I know where Dallas is. I used to buy my marijuana there.
George Sr.: Really?
Meemaw: I said "used to". Then I got pregnant with this one and all the fun stopped.

Meemaw: Maybe y'all are being a little selfish about this.
Mary: Selfish? We're thinking of him.
Meemaw: Well, that's all well and good, but maybe you should be thinking about the whole world.
I mean, what if Einstein's parents had held him back? We wouldn't even have the- Well, I was gonna say atomic bomb, but there's probably a better example.

Meemaw: This necklace has been in our family for generations. It belonged to a Comanche warrior who gave it to your great-great-great-great grandma.
Sheldon: Why'd he give it to her?
Meemaw: Well, according to family lore, she was, uh, a very accommodating young lady and, uh, they hit it off.
Sheldon: That's a bird feather.
Meemaw: Eagle feather.
Sheldon: Doesn't matter. I don't like birds, birds are filthy.
Meemaw: Okay. Fine. One featherless family heirloom for you to take with you and keep you safe while you're away.
Sheldon: You don't actually believe this has magic powers, do you?
Meemaw: Oh, for God's sake, just say "thank you."
Sheldon: Thank you. There's a price tag on it.
Meemaw: No, there's not.

Mary: Hi.
Meemaw: Mary, he's gonna come home every Friday night.
Mary: I didn't think I'd have to deal with this till he went to college.
Meemaw: You should thank your lucky stars he's not in college now.

Mary: I'm still not sure that this is the right thing to do.
Meemaw: Are you worried that he won't like it or are you worried that he will?
Mary: You're not helping.
Meemaw: That's not my job. I think of myself as a speaker of truth.
Mary: If you're not gonna make me feel better, go away.
Meemaw: I'm sorry, you are stuck with me.

George Jr.: [to Mary] Why you cryin'?
Meemaw: Why you stupid?

Mary: I'm telling you, this is a terrible idea. This is a terrible, terrible idea.
Meemaw: He's gonna be fine. You'll see.
Mary: I can't believe you're okay with this.
Meemaw: I'm not okay with this. I'm just trying to be strong for you!
Mary: What? You thought him leaving was a good idea.
Meemaw: Oh, I only said that because you thought it was a bad idea. You know how it's always my nature to go the other way. Say "up."
Mary: Up.
Meemaw: Down.

George Sr.: I'll see you in a bit.
Mary: Where are you off to?
George Sr.: I'm going to Dallas to get Sheldon.
Mary: Really?
George Sr.: Yeah, really.
Meemaw: What about this being a great opportunity for him?
Sheldon: Y'all want me to go or not?
Mary: Yes! Go!
Meemaw: Yes, and hurry up! Get a move on, Tubby.

Meemaw: I gravitate a little more towards Kirk.
Sheldon: Why?
Meemaw: [imitating William Shatner] Be-cause everything he says he makes sound so im-portant.
Sheldon: I should hope so, he's the captain.

George Sr.: Can you help me out here?
Sheldon: [Meemaw whispers to him] I'll do it if you take me to the train store.
George Sr.: You got it.
Sheldon: [Meemaw whispers again] And buy me whatever I want.
George Sr.: Connie, what are you doing?
Meemaw: [imitating William Shatner] Just providing my grand-son with financial guid-ance.
Sheldon: Don't mock the captain.

George Sr.: If Georgie passes his test, I'll get you whatever you want. Under 20 bucks.
Sheldon: Deal.
George Sr.: Why?
Meemaw: I guess I like him better than you.

Sheldon: I don't understand what went wrong. Is there any chance you drank alcohol when you were pregnant with Georgie?
Mary: No!
Meemaw: Well, don't be so high-and-mighty. I drank when I was pregnant with you. You turned out fine.
These days everybody's like, "Don't drink, don't smoke." I swear, Texas is turning into California.

Mary: Well, I'm gonna ask Jesus to help you get a good grade on that test.
Sheldon: Shouldn't you have asked him before he took it?
Mary: The man rose from the dead, I think he can fix a test after the fact.
Meemaw: You know, I hear you say things like that, and I wonder if maybe I did have a few too many whiskey sours when you were in my belly.

Sheldon: Meemaw? I assume you've read the Surgeon General's report on the dangers of smoking?
Meemaw: I'm gonna wait till they turn it into a movie.

Meemaw: Is that your new train?
Sheldon: Yes. It's my reward for helping Georgie pass the math test.
Meemaw: You don't seem too happy about it.
Sheldon: I don't feel like I earned it.
Meemaw: Why not?
Sheldon: Can you keep a secret?
Meemaw: Well, at my age, the question is can I remember one. Try me.

Sheldon: Georgie cheated on the test.
Meemaw: Oh.
Sheldon: And nothing bad happened. He gets to stay on the football team, Mom and Dad are proud of him, I even got a train for helping.
Meemaw: So you're feeling guilty.
Sheldon: Very much so.
Meemaw: Well, that's a real conundrum.
Sheldon: Have you been reading the Word of the Day calendar I gave you for your birthday?
Meemaw: Indubitably.

Meemaw: Ko-Kobayashi Maru. Sounds like something you eat at Benihana's. Have you ever been to one of those? They make you sit with strangers. It's crazy.

Sheldon: Do you think a Spock could become a Kirk?
Meemaw: Well, in my experience, most people stay the miserable bastards they are their whole entire life. But I have seen some folks change.

Mary: Do you have any idea what's gotten into him?
Meemaw: I might.
Mary: Well?
Meemaw: Have you ever heard of Mobokachi Kaboom? Wait. Koshimaki Magoo. Wait a minute, I'm gonna get this.