Mary: Shelly, baby, please come on out.
Sheldon: I can't.
Mary: Come on. I'm your mommy. Do it for your mommy.
Sheldon: No.
Mary: But I'm your mommy.
Meemaw: [LAUGHING] Y'all are killing me. [LAUGHING]: "I'm your mommy."

Meemaw: Mary, I'm gonna run and go get my video camera. Don't catch him till I get back.

Meemaw: Oh, Lord, I think I'm gonna wet myself.

Meemaw: Mind if I take a crack at catching the Road Runner?
Mary: What are you gonna do that I couldn't do?
Meemaw: Oh, a little trick I learned trying to get prairie dogs out of the hole. Of course we'd whack off their heads with a golf club. I'm not gonna do that to Sheldon.

Meemaw: Listen to me, buster.
Sheldon: Okay.
Meemaw: You are a lot of things, Sheldon. You are cute, smart, hygienic. But most of all you are a Texan.
Sheldon: So?
Meemaw: So Texans aren't afraid of nothin'! Rattlesnakes, Indians, the Mexican Army. Do you imagine that Sam Houston was scared of a little old cold?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: Jim Bowie?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: Sissy Spacek?
Sheldon: I guess not?
Meemaw: You're damn right, because they're Texans through and through. Now I want you to quit hiding in this plastic bubble, and I want you to come out here and eat your cookies out in the world like a man! Like a Texan man!

Mary: I'm impressed.
Meemaw: Me, too. I thought I'd lost him at Sissy Spacek.

Meemaw: I could buy it for him, and then y'all could pay me back when you can.
George Sr.: Okay, Connie, now you're just insulting me.
Meemaw: Well, that was not my intention, but I'm glad to hear it.

Meemaw: Well, I got to tell you how happy I am that y'all are spending the night with me.
Sheldon: Your house smells like cigarettes.
Meemaw: So happy.

Meemaw: I don't want to get in your business, but since you're getting in my bed, I'm getting in your business.
Mary: Go ahead.
Meemaw: When you leaving?

Meemaw: I love you, and I love the kids, but I love you better living across the street.
Mary: Sorry the end of my marriage is inconveniencing you.
Meemaw: Oh, don't be so dramatic. It's a little spat.
Mary: No, this was a long time coming. This goes to the very core of our relationship.
Meemaw: I see we're sticking with dramatic.

Mary: The minute he found out I had money set aside, he felt threatened. And you know why? 'Cause it meant that I can live independent of him.
Meemaw: Sleeping in your mommy's bed?
Mary: You know what I mean.
Meemaw: You gonna buy Sheldon that computer?
Mary: Well, now I have to.
Meemaw: Got it. You do know I still have an active love life.
Mary: Just go to sleep.
Meemaw: On this very bed.
Mary: Oh, Mom.

Meemaw: Just for your information, Sheldon is using the computer right now to try and fix your marriage.
Mary: Really? What did it say?
Meemaw: It said "Get out of your mother's house."
Mary: Mom.
Meemaw: I'm serious. I want a cigarette, and I'm tired of hiding behind the garage.

Mary: You think I should apologize to George?
Meemaw: Well, of course not. That would set a terrible precedent. I think you should go back over there to pick up some clothes for the kids and be all cold and distant, so he has to apologize to you.
Mary: Oh, that's not bad.
Meemaw: Do it.
Mary: I will.
Meemaw: Why you drinking tea? Get out.

Mary: I'm glad you're both amused, but our little boy's soul may be at stake.
George Sr.: Come on. When I was a kid, we were listening to Black Sabbath, all that devil music. Didn't hurt me. Satan didn't get my soul.
Meemaw: What happened to it? You trade it for some donuts? You had that one coming.

George Sr.: So, Pastor How's things going at the church?
Pastor Jeff: Please, call me Jeff. And everything's going great 'cause I have the coolest boss.
Meemaw: I'm sorry, but I'm kind of having a hard time feeling the Holy Spirit calling you Jeff. I'm-I'm gonna stick with Pastor.
Pastor Jeff: Sure.
Meemaw: Thank you, Pastor. Yeah, that feels better.

Mary: So nice of you to come over, Pastor Jeff.
George Sr.: He prefers Jeff.
Meemaw: I'm sticking with Pastor. Wait, I changed my mind. I'm going with PJ.
Pastor Jeff: Brings to mind pajamas, but that's fine, too.

Mary: I think that's a wonderful idea. Although, I am concerned that we may get a little pushback from Sheldon.
Meemaw: A little?

Sheldon: No, I won't go. I don't believe in God.
Mary: Well, now, what you believe in is not the point.
Pastor Jeff: Mary, if I may Sheldon, I understand you hope to be a scientist someday.
Sheldon: Yes, sir.
Pastor Jeff: Well, let me ask you a question. You say you don't believe in God, but what kind of scientist comes to a conclusion without first doing the research?
Sheldon: A bad scientist.
Pastor Jeff: That's right. So I'll see you Sunday morning at 8:00.
Sheldon: No, you won't. I cast a second level spell of invisibility on myself.
Meemaw: Well, that game isn't making him any smarter.

George Sr.: I can't believe he's reading the Bible.
Mary: I know. I'm actually grateful to that Dungeons & Dragons game. It helped lead him to God.
Meemaw: Ixnay on the Odsgay.

George Sr.: What other religions you considering?
Sheldon: Buddhist, Jewish, Hindu, Catholic, all of them.
Mary: Nope. Nope. That's not happening.
Sheldon: Well, why? As an American, don't I have freedom of religion?
Mary: Um-
Meemaw: Those dungeons and dragons are looking pretty good right now, aren't they?