George Jr.: What?
George Sr.: Door stays open.
George Jr.: Why? We're just listening to music.
George Sr.: My house, my rules. And don't sit on the bed.
George Jr.: Where are we supposed to sit?
George Sr.: Just not on the bed.
George Jr.: Whatever. [to Jana] He's just mad 'cause we're young and he's not.

George Sr.: [plunging] Maybe I'm being punished. Maybe I'm a bad person. That went in my mouth.

George Sr.: And I know your mom would want me to tell you to wait till marriage, but I also know you're probably not going to.
George Jr.: Did you?
George Sr.: The important thing is that when you're with a girl... [Georgie scoffs] You know how when we're running practice drills and we wear protection so both people are safe?
George Jr.: Yeah.
George Sr.: Well, there you go.
George Jr.: What?
George Sr.: Same thing, but with your privates.
George Jr.: Please leave.
George Sr.: Thank you.

George Sr.: Oh, come on, help me out!
Meemaw: What are you doing to help?
George Sr.: I called your ass over here.
Meemaw: Where's Mary?
George Sr.: At church planning Pastor Jeff's wedding.
Meemaw: And she left you in charge?
George Sr.: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, that was dumb.
George Sr.: Thank you.

George Sr.: Ooh, is that for your patient?
Mary: Yes. He's still under the weather.
George Sr.: Oh, that's too bad. Running a fever?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: Sniffly nose?
Mary: No. But he couldn't even bring himself to watch his Star Trek show.
George Sr.: Oh, dear. I better go call an ambulance.
Mary: You're not funny.
George Sr.: And he ain't sick.

George Sr.: We'll make it quick. Go ahead.
Mary: Your father has something to tell you.
George Sr.: Your mother wants you to swim.
Mary: George!
Sheldon: Mom!

Mary: How about we do it together?
George Sr.: Fine, but you can't hang me out to dry.
Mary: Of course not.
George Sr.: We're a team. We're in this together, right?
Mary: You bet.
George Sr.: [to the baby Jesus] She's gonna hang me out to dry.

Mary: Well, break it to him gently.
George Sr.: Wait. Me?
Mary: Swimming's a sport, and you're a sports person.
George Sr.: And he's a mama's boy, and you're his mama.

Mary: Boy, Sheldon is really worked up about this whole swimming thing.
George Sr.: Don't you think he should learn for his own safety?
Mary: You really think he's ever gonna go near a body of water?
George Sr.: Yeah. Well, it's only a matter of time before someone throws him in one.

George Sr.: Come on, Jesus. This is for your birthday. Help me out.

George Sr.: Your mother won't let me have a TV in my room, so you're not getting one in yours.
George Jr.: Why do you care what Mom says? You're the man of the house, what you say goes.
George Sr.: If you're not gonna take this seriously, I don't know why I'm talking to you.

Mary: And then she said she didn't want the other kids to see Billy hanging out with Sheldon.
George Sr.: That boy's only other friend is a chicken and she's worried about Sheldon?
Mary: What do we do? Tell Missy she can't go?
George Sr.: If we're only gonna let Missy go places where they want to have Sheldon, then she ain't gonna get out much.

Mary: I just hate that our little boy gets left out.
George Sr.: Me, too, but he should probably get used to it.
Mary: That's a terrible thing to say.
George Sr.: Oh, come on, Mary, the boy's not exactly a social butterfly. In fact, he's scared of butterflies. Besides, it's their house. If they don't want him, there's nothing you can do about it.

George Sr.: So they don't want Sheldon at the party, and Sheldon doesn't want to be at the party, but you're making him go to the party.
Mary: I'm sure he'll have a good time when he gets there.
George Sr.: And this isn't just because you made a big fuss, and you're gonna be embarrassed if he doesn't go?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: For a good Christian lady, you sure do lie a lot.

George Sr.: [answering phone] Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, George. Uh, John Sturgis here.
George Sr.: Oh, hey, how you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, honestly, it's been a bit of a confusing week, and I was hoping we could schedule some male bonding time.
George Sr.: Oh?
Dr. John Sturgis: Perhaps go to a bar or, uh, take a brisk walk together.
George Sr.: [chuckles] I'm not really a walker.
George Jr.: Well, that's true.

Dr. John Sturgis: Anyway, I believe they're willing to, uh, exceed your current salary by a substantial amount.
George Sr.: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes. They thought it would incentivize you.
George Sr.: Well, John, they're not wrong.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent! Na zdrowie.
George Sr.: What the hell. Na zdrowie.

George Sr.: So, what's up?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, Sheldon has been doing extraordinarily well in his college physics class.
George Sr.: I know. He made me put his test up on the fridge, next to Missy's drawing of her hand as a turkey.

George Sr.: Hey! You would not believe the wheelin' and dealin' I did today. I'm playing the high school and the university against each other. Hey, what do you say we go out to dinner?
Meemaw: Chi-Chi's is good.
George Sr.: Ooh, chimichangas.

Sheldon: How was Dr. Sturgis?
George Sr.: He's fine.
Sheldon: What did you two talk about?
George Sr.: I don't know. S-Stuff.
Sheldon: Science stuff?
George Sr.: No. Just regular stuff.
Sheldon: Ooh, I bet he talked about me. What did he say about me?
George Sr.: Sheldon, everything isn't about you. Okay? Go to your room.
Sheldon: Yes, sir.
Mary: What'd y'all talk about?
George Sr.: Sheldon.

Dale: Well, I-I was married for 18 years and I got to tell you, those were the two best years of my life.
George Sr.: Ah. What's it like, you know, being single at your age?
Dale: Why, you thinking about it?
George Sr.: No, no, everything's fine. Happily married, just, uh, just curious.
Dale: Yeah. Come on, now. She's not here. Well, to answer your question, it's just great. See, I get to wander around my house in my underwear, and I can make whatever bodily noises I choose whenever I choose.
George Sr.: Ah. I do that now.
Dale: Well, then, you got yourself a keeper.