George Jr.: Dad, where's your power drill?
George Sr.: Why?
Sheldon: Our oven doesn't reach 2,000 degrees, so we're going to make a homemade kiln out of a garbage can.
George Sr.: And there go the plums.

George Sr.: Did you know Sheldon and Georgie are working on something together?
Mary: That's nice. And guess what Missy asked me if she could wear a cross. She's in her bedroom saying prayers right now.
George Sr.: Hmm. I don't like it.
Mary: What are you talking about? Our kids are behaving.
George Sr.: Exactly. Something bad's gonna happen.
Mary: Why can't you just be thankful?
George Sr.: Because that's when life kicks you right in the plums, Mary.

Sheldon: Now we have to sift the powder again because the platinum particles are extremely small, sometimes no more than just a few atoms.
George Jr.: If I was as smart as you, I'd play the stock market. Or go on Price Is Right.

George Jr.: Should I be wearing all that?
Sheldon: I recommend it. Those rocks are filthy.
George Jr.: I'm good. God made dirt. Dirt don't hurt.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm here because my friend George invited me.
Dale: Uh-huh. Well, your friend George invited you because he felt sorry for you.
Dr. John Sturgis: You know, Connie warned me you might behave like this, and she-she was right.
Dale: I don't know why the hell she ever went out with you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, she did, and we got along famously.
Dale: Until you broke up with her after you got out of...
Dr. John Sturgis: Out of what? Say it!
Dale: Never mind.
George Sr.: Damn. Piddled on my shoe. What'd I miss?

Dale: So, George, how do I convince this one to come fishing with me next weekend?
Meemaw: I told you, nobody's gonna see this face after a night in a tent.
George Sr.: Mm. Smart. You don't want that mug scaring the fish.

George Jr.: Suddenly, camping with Dr. Sturgis doesn't seem so bad.
Meemaw: Uh, excuse me camping with who?
George Sr.: Whoa. Dale didn't mention it?
Meemaw: No.
George Sr.: I'm guessing John didn't mention it.
Meemaw: No.
George Sr.: Hmm.
Meemaw: And when were you gonna mention it?
George Sr.: Oh, I was never gonna mention it.

Mary: Here's some coffee for the road.
George Sr.: Thanks.
Mary: Make sure your dad doesn't drink too many beers.
George Jr.: You're funny.
Mary: And make sure your son doesn't drink any beers.
George Sr.: Got it. I'll finish 'em all. Let's go.

Meemaw: [on the phone] So John, I hear you're going camping this weekend.
Dr. John Sturgis: I am.
Meemaw: With the guy I'm dating.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know. It was so nice of him to let me tag along.
Meemaw: And don't you think that's gonna be a little awkward?
Dr. John Sturgis: No more awkward than any other social situation I find myself in. I'm making my, uh, homemade GORP. Good old raisins and peanuts. I'll have to give you the recipe.
Meemaw: I think I can figure it out.

Linda: I mean, I'm thrilled that he's gone, but I do worry about how it's affecting Paige.
Mary: Of course.
Linda: You and George have such a beautiful family. I think it's good for her to be around that right now.
George Sr.: [enters] Oh. Hey. Nice to see you. Sorry about the divorce. I got to go yell at my idiot son. [shouting] Georgie! Where are you?

Mary: Apparently she's taking the divorce really hard. I guess she's been having trouble in school.
Meemaw: Aw, poor thing.
Mary: Linda thinks Sheldon might be a good influence, you know, maybe rub off on her a little bit.
George Sr.: What, she wants her kid to be more like Sheldon? I don't know what to say about that.

George Sr.: Get out there and mow.
George Jr.: Why? I'm making good money. I don't need an allowance, so I don't need to do chores.
George Sr.: It's not about that. You're part of this family, you still need to help out.
George Jr.: So I'm just here to do your bidding?
George Sr.: Well, and people say Sheldon's a genius.

George Sr.: Anyway, what I wanted to say is, even though I'm not loving your attitude lately, I think it's great you got this job and y-you're doing so well at it. I'm proud of you.
George Jr.: All right.
George Sr.: That's all you have to say?
George Jr.: Well, maybe if I wasn't sweating my balls off, I could think of something else.
George Sr.: Just stick your head out the window.

George Jr.: If it's about money, I've got money. It can even be a loan if it makes you feel better.
George Sr.: Don't you dare.
George Jr.: You said you're proud of my job. I don't think you are.
George Sr.: You know what? Forget lunch. Let's just go home.
George Jr.: Smart. Save some money for your truck.
George Sr.: That's it. You're walking.

George Sr.: I can't imagine talking to my dad the way this kid talks to me. I'd have had a belt on my backside so fast...
Coach Wilkins: My dad was a hugger.
George Sr.: I had to tell him three times to mow the lawn, and he still gave me attitude.
Coach Wilkins: He's going to school, holding down a job. If he was my kid, I'd be proud of him.
George Sr.: I am proud of him. When he's not being a total pain in my ass.

Meemaw: All right, here I am. What's the emergency?
George Sr.: Sheldon's mad at Georgie 'cause he taped over his space show, but now he's hiding in the garage 'cause Missy brought home Billy's chicken. And Missy's hiding in the bathroom 'cause I brought home fried chicken.
Meemaw: Good luck.

Mary: George, you will not believe what I get to do.
George Sr.: What's that?
Mary: Plan Pastor Jeff's wedding.
George Sr.: Oh, isn't that nice.
Mary: Oh, it's gonna be a lot of work. They want this done by next weekend.
George Sr.: What, he knock her up? [chuckles] Been there.
Mary: No. He is a man of God. He cannot have a physical relationship outside holy matrimony.
George Sr.: Oh, so that's the rush. [chuckles]
Mary: Well, yes, but they also seem very much in love.
George Sr.: Love is great.

George Sr.: What's going on?
Sheldon: Georgie taped over Star Trek: The Next Generation.
George Sr.: So? Watch something else.
Sheldon: I don't want to watch something else. I want to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation.
George Sr.: And I want to feel bad for you, but I don't.

Mary: Anyway, I am gonna be extra busy, so I'm gonna need you to pick up the slack around here. You know? The kids. Making meals.
George Sr.: Sounds good. Wait, what?
Mary: I need you to help out.
George Sr.: So, Pastor Jeff wants to get lucky, and I pay the price?
Mary: I am asking you to take care of your children.
George Sr.: And I'm asking you, why can't your mother do it?
Mary: George.
George Sr.: Fine.

George Sr.: You know it takes two people to get pregnant, right?
Meemaw: I know that. Does Georgie?
George Sr.: Probably. We got cable now.