Ira Rosenbloom: So, Sheldon, you hungry? You want a nosh?
Sheldon: I don't know, I've never eaten a nosh.
Ira Rosenbloom: (chuckling) Uh, no, a nosh isn't a thing, it's a never mind. Um, would you care for some hard candy?
Sheldon: Are they kosher?
Ira Rosenbloom: Who are you, my mother?

Ira Rosenbloom: All right, so what can I do for you?
Sheldon: What's it like to be Jewish?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, it's terrible. I don't recommend it.
Sheldon: Why?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, for starters, your life is hemmed in by ancient, pointless rules. There's a lot of yelling, and, uh, you're probably not gonna get into a good country club.

Ira Rosenbloom: Hold on a second. Hold I got a question for you, Sheldon. When you grow up, are you planning on living in Texas?
Sheldon: Probably.
Ira Rosenbloom: Then I strongly advise you to stay Baptist. Maybe even wear a cross.

Sheldon: Why did you move to Texas?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, that's simple. Medford had no Jews, so there was an opening for one.
Sheldon: And you got it? Good for you.
Ira Rosenbloom: (chuckles) I love this kid.
Meemaw: Me, too.

Ira Rosenbloom: So, how's the brisket?
Meemaw: It's good. It ain't my brisket, but it's good.
Ira Rosenbloom: I should take you to New York so you could taste some authentic Jewish brisket.
Meemaw: How's it different?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, it's pretty much the same except it's-it's a lot juicier and you can feel the fat go directly to your heart.

Ira Rosenbloom: John, you're a great guy.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, you, too!
Ira Rosenbloom: But I hope you understand, I just I can't give up on Connie.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's all right. To tell you the truth, I'm finding the competition quite exhilarating.
Ira Rosenbloom: You are?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes. The night the dinette set arrived, I did my first push-up in 40 years.
Ira Rosenbloom: I'm sorry, but I find that to be, uh- What's the word, Astro-boobulous?
Dr. John Sturgis: Ostrobogulous.
Ira Rosenbloom: Ostrobogulous.
Dr. John Sturgis: Exactly.

Ira Rosenbloom: I got to tell you, this is an unexpected surprise.
Meemaw: Here's to surprises.
Ira Rosenbloom: 'Cause last I heard, you and John were still going out.
Meemaw: Well, now I'm not, and I'm here with you, so let's not talk about him.
Ira Rosenbloom: Ooh. Sounds like this breakup is a little fresh.
Meemaw: Yeah, it was pretty recent.
Ira Rosenbloom: What, like, a week? Month?
Meemaw: Literally as I was calling you.
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, I'm glad that I was the first person that came to mind.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Actually, you were his idea.
Ira Rosenbloom: Still glad.

Ira Rosenbloom: Let me get this straight. Your boyfriend comes home from the mental hospital, he dumps you, and he suggests that you go out with me?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Ira Rosenbloom: Sounds like a spite date.
Meemaw: Well, gosh, when you say it like that, doesn't sound great.
Ira Rosenbloom: No.No, no, I'm fine with it. I just I want to make sure I got everything right.
Meemaw: Hospital, dumped, spite. You got it.
Ira Rosenbloom: All right. I hear the creamed spinach is terrific.

Meemaw: So, enough about me. What's been going on in your life?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, boy. Well, after you and I broke up, I took the opportunity to work on myself. Started playing tennis again. Uh, I-I bought a telescope, which is pretty cool because you-you got to see the Moon all big and things. And, uh, I-I tried Vietnamese food for the first time, which did not go well. Oh, very spicy. You wouldn't believe the heartburn. Not enough Tums in the world.

Meemaw: Thank you so much, Ira. I really needed this.
Ira Rosenbloom: You're welcome.
Meemaw: We should do it again. What's your Friday night look like?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, no, Friday's no good 'cause we're doing inventory at the store.
Meemaw: Oh, okay. Well, how about the weekend?
Ira Rosenbloom: No, no, no, that's not good for me, either.
Meemaw: Are you blowing me off?
Ira Rosenbloom: Is it that obvious?
Meemaw: Well, I don't understand why. I mean, I-I thought we had a nice time.
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, we did. But you're still hung up on John, and I don't want to have my heart broken again, so I'm gonna respectfully pass.
Meemaw: Unbelievable.
Ira Rosenbloom: I know. It turns out I do have a shred of dignity. [chuckles] I'm as surprised as you are.
Meemaw: [chuckles] I'm not having a good week.

Ira Rosenbloom: [sobbing] I'm sorry. I thought I could handle this.
Meemaw: It's okay.
Ira Rosenbloom: You know, you get older, and you think your skin is thicker-
Meemaw: It's okay.
Ira Rosenbloom: -and your heart is tougher. But it's not, it's the other way around!

Sheldon: What about God?
Ira Rosenbloom: What about him?
Sheldon: Does he play a part in your life?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, historically, he's gotten a kick out of punishing us.

Ira Rosenbloom: You can get lox, bagels, all the trimmings at 3:30 in the morning.
Meemaw: Why would I want that?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, you wouldn't. I mean, it's too heavy. But you could if you wanted. So, what do you think?

Meemaw: I thought I could do it, uh you know, date both of you, but I-I can't, I can't, I just I'm not cut out for it.
Ira Rosenbloom: Okay, suggestion. And maybe you've already thought of this but what do you say you break up with him and only see me?

Ira Rosenbloom: Rosenbloom's Fine Furniture. Ira speaking.
Meemaw: Why are you sending me furniture?
Ira Rosenbloom: I've decided I can't go away quietly. I'm fighting for your love.
Meemaw: With a dinette set?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, this isn't just any dinette set. It's our biggest seller. And it's not pressed wood It's oak!
Meemaw: Ira, I don't like this.
Ira Rosenbloom: Would you prefer a leather sectional?

Ira Rosenbloom: Haven't slept in days. It's like I'm a lovesick teenager, except I remember the Truman administration.