Pastor Jeff: Now before we get started this morning, I want to introduce two new students, Sheldon and Missy Cooper. Let's give them a warm welcome. (APPLAUSE) Yes, Billy?
Billy Sparks: I know them.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you, Billy.
Billy Sparks: You're welcome, Pastor Jeff.

Mary: Shelly, I understand you enjoy researching things.
Sheldon: Love it.
Mary: But it's important to keep in mind that there is only one true God.
Sheldon: That's called monotheism. I have a book about it if you're interested.
Mary: That's okay, I have the book about it.
Sheldon: Would you be angry with me if I don't pick your religion?
Mary: I could never be angry with you. You be a seeker of your own truth.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mary: And if the truth turns out to be Satan, I will do battle with him.

Mary: Hey, guys, I brought snacks.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mary: What are y'all playing, Chutes and Ladders?
Sheldon: Tam is teaching us Dungeons & Dragons.
Mary: Oh.
Sheldon: We're on a quest to find the pitchfork of a devil named Baalzebul.
Billy Sparks: I'm Fire Beak.
Mary: And is this the devil?
Tam: No, he's just a monster who doesn't wear pants.
Mary: Oh, I see. Yes, oh, he's just hanging right out there, isn't he? Okay, well You kids have fun.

Mary: Excuse me, Mr. Nguyen?
Le Nguyen: Yes?
Mary: Hi, you don't know me. I'm Sheldon's mother.
Le Nguyen: Ah, the smart boy.
Mary: Yes, the smart boy.
Le Nguyen: You are lucky. To have a smart son is a great joy. I do not have that joy.
Mary: Oh, I'm sure that's not true.

Mary: Well I think they can all be problems.
Trang Nguyen: [in Vietnamese] Just agree with her and she'll go away!
Le Nguyen: I'm sorry, I agree with you. I will talk to Tam.
Mary: Oh, good. Thank you. Well, bye. Nice meeting you.

George: So, Pastor How's things going at the church?
Pastor Jeff: Please, call me Jeff. And everything's going great 'cause I have the coolest boss.
Meemaw: I'm sorry, but I'm kind of having a hard time feeling the Holy Spirit calling you Jeff. I'm-I'm gonna stick with Pastor.
Pastor Jeff: Sure.
Meemaw: Thank you, Pastor. Yeah, that feels better.

Mary: I think that's a wonderful idea. Although, I am concerned that we may get a little pushback from Sheldon.
Meemaw: A little?

Mary: Shelly, why aren't you asleep?
Sheldon: I'm studying for Sunday school.
Mary: You're reading the Bible? That's wonderful.
Sheldon: I do have a question.
Mary: Sure, what?
Sheldon: Is there anyone in our town from the Amalek tribe?
Mary: I don't know, why?
Sheldon: If there is, we're supposed to kill them and their cows.
Mary: Well, no. There's no Amaleks.
Missy: Told you.

Pastor Jeff: Now, uh, last week, we started talking about the Gospel of John. Does anybody have a notion as to what God's getting at in that passage? Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Chapter one, verse one states, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God." Well done.
Sheldon: Thank you. I read the gospels last night.
Missy: Suck up.

George: I can't believe he's reading the Bible.
Mary: I know. I'm actually grateful to that Dungeons & Dragons game. It helped lead him to God.
Meemaw: Ixnay on the Odsgay.

Mary: Shelly, I'm so happy you're taking an interest in religion.
Sheldon: I am. And I've decided to explore other religions, too.
Mary: What's this, now?
Sheldon: Pastor Jeff encouraged me to approach religion scientifically, so it only makes sense to enlarge my database.
Mary: No, your database is Baptist. That's all the data you need. Baptist data.

Sheldon: Ms. Hutchins, what's your religion?
Ms. Hutchins: I'm a Mormon, why?
Sheldon: I'm conducting a research project. Can you tell me about being a Mormon?
Ms. Hutchins: Well, it started in New York, when a man found gold plates buried underground. The plates said that, when we die, we get to go to our own planet. Unless you're a woman, then you have to go to your husband's planet. But that won't be a problem for me. I don't have a husband. All I have is a cat. A big, mean cat. Oh, maybe I'll get to go to his planet. Lonely Cheryl on Planet Cat.
Sheldon: I like her. She's funny.

Ira Rosenbloom: Hey.
Meemaw: Is this a good time?
Ira Rosenbloom: Absolutely. Come in, come in.
Meemaw: Ira, this is my grandson Sheldon. Sheldon, this is my friend Ira.
Sheldon: Hello.
Ira Rosenbloom: Howdy.
Sheldon: So Meemaw tells me you're Jewish.
Ira Rosenbloom: Right to it, huh?

Sheldon: What about God?
Ira Rosenbloom: What about him?
Sheldon: Does he play a part in your life?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, historically, he's gotten a kick out of punishing us.

Mary: Hey. How's it going?
Sheldon: Good. Did you know that Zoroaster believed in two gods?
Mary: No, I did not.
Sheldon: And the Taoists don't believe in God at all. They believe in a principle of harmony.
Mary: How very nice for them.