Sheldon: Tam, you're Catholic, right?
Tam: Yes.
Sheldon: Explain it to me.
Tam: Explain what?
Sheldon: Well, for starters, who do you pray to?
Tam: I guess, Jesus, God and Mary.
Sheldon: Jesus isn't God?
Tam: No, he's his son. But you do eat him, and drink his blood. Oh, there's also a ghost, but not the scary kind.
Sheldon: Like Casper?
Tam: Exactly.
Sheldon: And how does the pope work?
Tam: Well, the pope lives in Italy. He has a special car, and a big pointy hat. It's a wonderful hat.
Sheldon: And is there anything else I should know about?
Tam: Every once in a while, you have to confess your sins to a priest.
Sheldon: Not me, I don't have any sins.
Tam: Then you have the sin of pride.
Sheldon: Your religion is making me feel bad.
Tam: That's how you know it's working.

Mary: You smoke marijuana?
Sheldon: Mom!
Libby: No, ma'am.
Tam: Just say no. [Mary shoots him an unimpressed look]

Tam: Look at this, my mother left me a note. "You can do better. Mom." Not "Love, Mom," not "XO, Mom," just "Mom."

Tam: Hey, I've been looking all over for you. Do you know how popular we are?
Sheldon: We?
Tam: Yeah. I put the word out I was helping you with the football stats. And since I'm Asian, they bought it.

Mary: Anyway, I'm sorry to drag you into this, but it is demons, so it's in your purview.
Pastor Jeff: It is indeed. In fact, at a recent Young Baptist Leaders Conference, I attended a seminar on satanic leisure activities.
Mary: And?
Pastor Jeff: And the important lesson is, rather than have a parent or authority figure take the offending game away, let God remove it, root and stem.
Meemaw: Question, PJ. Uh, how's the big guy do that?
Pastor Jeff: Simple, Sheldon needs to start attending Sunday school. If he likes books with demons and devils, I've got one that will blow his mind.
George Sr.: What book is that?
Mary: The Bible, George.
George Sr.: Sure, yeah.

Adult Sheldon: My mother didn't believe in elves, fairies, or dragons. But she did believe in the devil. And she did not view him as an appropriate playmate for her son.

Ira Rosenbloom: So, Sheldon, you hungry? You want a nosh?
Sheldon: I don't know, I've never eaten a nosh.
Ira Rosenbloom: (chuckling) Uh, no, a nosh isn't a thing, it's a never mind. Um, would you care for some hard candy?
Sheldon: Are they kosher?
Ira Rosenbloom: Who are you, my mother?