Missy: Got a minute?
Sheldon: I'm kind of busy. I'm inventing a system of heraldry for two warring tribes of orcs in my D&D campaign.
Missy: Oh. I was hoping we could talk about atheism.
Sheldon: Much like an orc, I'm all ears.

Mary: I am running over to the Sparks's for a little while.
Missy: Why?
Mary: Team meeting with the other baseball moms. You're all right until Dad gets home?
Missy: Oh, yeah. Charles is in charge.
Charles: [on TV] Look at this. I'm talking to an egg.

Herschel Sparks: Hey, George.
George Sr.: Hey, Herschel. Let me guess, you're here to complain about Sheldon's violin playing.
Herschel Sparks: Under normal circumstances, I'd say yeah, but since he started, my chickens been dropping eggs like crazy.
George Sr.: That's weird.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, our conversation about my paper resulted in a very productive couple of days. I completely rewrote the whole thing from scratch.
Sheldon: Exciting. I know credits are usually listed alphabetically, but I'm completely fine with my name going second.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, I've worked on this paper for years. I'm not putting your name on it at all.
Sheldon: But I helped you.
Dr. John Sturgis: You did, but you didn't cowrite the paper with me.
Sheldon: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, it is.
Sheldon: Well, this is an outrage. After all the help I've given you, and I don't even get credit?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, of course you are. You're getting a special thanks in the footnotes.
Sheldon: No one reads the footnotes.
Dr. John Sturgis: I do.
Sheldon: Well, I do, too, but that doesn't mean I want to be in them.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, that's where people get recognition for helping.
Sheldon: Oh, you mean the help of using my math to convert your hazy series of meanderings into a well-formed scientific thesis?
Dr. John Sturgis: I think you're overstating your contribution.
Sheldon: Well, I think you should be wearing a black ski mask because you're trying to rob me blind.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, if anyone should be wearing an odd piece of apparel, it should be you wearing a baby bonnet, because that's how you're behaving.
Sheldon: [gasps]
Meemaw: Ready to go?
Sheldon: Very! It's a good thing she showed up, because I do not have a comeback.

Herschel Sparks: Hey, I got to ask, did that fiddle playing increase the fertility in all the females around here or just my chickens?

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm exploring the notion that time itself is quantized.
Sheldon: Interesting. That sounds like a step towards a unified field theory.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fingers crossed. Although I can't cross my fingers... arthritis. [laughs]

Sheldon: Darn it. When he called me a baby, I should've said, "Then I guess you needed a baby's help to fix your paper."
Meemaw: Very clever.
Sheldon: Turn the car around.
Meemaw: We're halfway home. It's not that clever.

George Sr.: Do you have any women friends?
Coach Wilkins: Uh-oh. Mary finally wise up and kick you to the curb?
George Sr.: I'm being serious.
Coach Wilkins: I have plenty of women friends. Matter of fact, my best friend's a woman.
George Sr.: Are you gonna say your wife?
Coach Wilkins: You know I am. She got in the shower with me this morning.
George Sr.: I don't need to hear that.
Coach Wilkins: How could something be so clean and so dirty at the same time?
George Sr.: I'm sorry I asked.
Coach Wilkins: Are you upset 'cause I said she was my best friend and not you?
George Sr.: No.
Coach Wilkins: You're in the top three.
George Sr.: Stop talking to me.
Coach Wilkins: Definitely my best white friend.

George Sr.: [on the phone] So, we got to get our stories straight. Now, wh-what did you tell her?
Brenda Sparks: I told her we weren't together. I was there, and you were there, and other people were there, too.
George Sr.: That's good. That's good.
Brenda Sparks: So, what did you tell her?
George Sr.: I was a little rude and rushed her out of the house.
Brenda Sparks: Don't you do that all the time?
George Sr.: Oh, yeah. Oh, I guess we're okay.

Mary: Who says you have to take him fishing? Find something else to do with him. Something he'd like.
George Sr.: What are we gonna do? Spend the weekend sitting around, thinking?

Sheldon: What I find interesting is how many supervillains are scientists: Doctor Octopus, Doctor Doom, Lex Luthor, Green Goblin, the list goes on and on.
Tam: So?
Sheldon: So if the world doesn't respect me, I might change sides.

Sheldon: Imagine all the stimulating conversations that must go on at these tables.
George Sr.: I bet.
Sheldon: I can see myself going here one day.
George Sr.: I think you'd fit right in.

Sheldon: I think we've been lied to about California. No one on this campus is tan at all.
George Sr.: No, they are not.

Meemaw: Moon Pie, I know you don't like to hear this, but there are some things in life that can only be learned in time.
Sheldon: So you must have learned them all, huh?
Meemaw: Get out of my house.

Meemaw: I saw Brenda at the grocery today.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah? How's she doing?
Meemaw: I don't know. Something going on with her?
George Sr.: What do you mean?
Meemaw: I was just talking about what happened to y'all at the bar, and she kind of got weird.
George Sr.: Weird how? What'd she say?
Meemaw: Well, it's not so much what she said. Just kind of a vibe I got.
George Sr.: Well, maybe you made her uncomfortable. You do have that effect on people.

George Sr.: Uh-huh. Okay. I'll be right there.
Coach Wilkins: What's up?
George Sr.: Principal wants to talk to me.
Coach Wilkins: Ooh.
George Sr.: Grow up.

George Sr.: What's up?
Meemaw: My smoke detector's beeping again. Have you got one of those little batteries?
George Sr.: I think so. Come on in.
Meemaw: Thank you. See, I'm three beeps away from breaking out my shotgun.
George Sr.: [chuckles] I don't even put batteries in ours anymore. Do not tell Sheldon.

Principal Petersen: Gentlemen, good news.
George Sr.: I had a feeling.

Mary: We're hiring a youth pastor.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: To help get young kids excited about God.
Missy: The same God who lets babies get thrown in rivers?
Mary: What?
Sheldon: We covered Moses in Sunday school.
Mary: Oh. Well, that was Old Testament God. He gets more fun later.

Mary: You both liked it that day I taught Sunday school, right?
Missy: Ugh, with the snake?
Sheldon: I didn't like it, either. But I'm critical of most things.