Sheldon: True or false? At times, you have referred to yourself as being dumb.
Missy: True.
Sheldon: And do you enjoy feeling that way?
Missy: No.
Sheldon: Well, let me change that. I'm presenting you with an opportunity to achieve the full potential of your mind.
Missy: Are you gonna do some experiment where we switch brains?
Sheldon: No.
Missy: 'Cause I've seen it on Gilligan's Island and I've seen it on The Flintstones and it never goes well.

Missy: Why do we need the camera?
Sheldon: So people in the future can see your transformation. Where are you going?
Missy: To put on a dress for the future people.

Meemaw: And by the way, you can tell your friend Dale that I want my stuff back.
George Sr.: I'm not getting in the middle of this.
Meemaw: 'Cause I left my purple bra over at his place.
Missy: I want a purple bra.
Mary: Oh, Lord.
Meemaw: And if I'm gonna start dating again, I'm gonna need that.
George Sr.: Somebody else needs to talk.
Sheldon: Did you know that Leonard Nimoy takes pictures of...
George Sr.: Georgie?

Mary: Let's just eat.
Sheldon: Without praying?
Mary: [chuckles] How silly of me.
George Sr.: You all right?
Meemaw: Well, she's had a whole beer, so who knows.
Sheldon: Mother.
Mary: Can we just pray? [sighs] Bless us Lord for the food we are about to receive and bless the hands that prepared it. And forgive me for that beer. My mother made me do it. Amen.
Meemaw: Snitch.

Mary: You keep saying you're okay. Are you?
Meemaw: I'm better than okay.
Mary: Great. Glad to hear it.
Meemaw: You know what it's like? You see these peanuts? Two of them stuck together in the shell. Trapped. And then, you look here at this one, all on its own. Solo. Happy.
Mary: So, you're a solo peanut?
Meemaw: Mm, damn straight. As a matter of fact... [snaps peanut in half] Enjoy your freedom.
Mary: Well, if you're happy, I'm happy.
Meemaw: I am. Maybe not as happy as this threesome going on here. [holds up peanut]
Mary: Mom.

Sheldon: And then she said for grown-ups to get to know each other, they have to have time alone.
Dr. John Sturgis: Makes sense. What else?
Sheldon: Apparently my being underfoot isn't conducive to romance.
Dr. John Sturgis: This is very helpful. Thank you.
Sheldon: I'm at your service.

Meemaw: Is that your new train?
Sheldon: Yes. It's my reward for helping Georgie pass the math test.
Meemaw: You don't seem too happy about it.
Sheldon: I don't feel like I earned it.
Meemaw: Why not?
Sheldon: Can you keep a secret?
Meemaw: Well, at my age, the question is can I remember one. Try me.

Meemaw: Well, I thought you could start small and then work your way up. Look, he's kind of cute.
Sheldon: He doesn't even care that I'm here. I like him.

Tommy: Your brother's a punk.
Sheldon: I'm not familiar with that terminology.
Tommy: He tried to hit on my girlfriend.
Sheldon: Interesting. So he openly pursued your mate, and to re-assert dominance, you threatened him with physical violence.
Tommy: Hell yeah, I did.
Sheldon: I understand that. I often intimidate people with my intelligence. [A kid walks into the bathroom and backs away] Well, one of us scared him.

Tommy: So Georgie's your brother?
Sheldon: Correct.
Tommy: And you're trying to protect him?
Sheldon: Incorrect. I'm just curious what he did to incur your wrath. Also, kudos on the hand washing.

Coach Wilkins: Well, they were floating the idea of me being head coach next year.
George Sr.: What the hell, Wayne?
Coach Wilkins: I didn't know what it was gonna be about.
George Sr.: Well, what did you tell them?
Coach Wilkins: Look, I want you to keep your job.
George Sr.: Well, then tell them you're not interested.
Coach Wilkins: But...if you're not gonna keep your job, I want your job.
George Sr.: Really? You want to spend your days coaching lazy kids and getting yelled at by their parents?
Coach Wilkins: Come on, George.
George Sr.: Don't forget the dirty looks after you lose, like you're the one that fumbled on the three-yard line. That's the job you want?
Coach Wilkins: It's called coaching, George.

George Sr.: I mean, how could Wayne stab me in the back like this?
Mary: I don't think Wayne stabbed you in the back.
George Sr.: Can you please just agree with me?
Mary: Sorry. So, what happens now?
George Sr.: I don't know. I guess I wait and see if I'm fired.
Mary: Well, if that happens, you can always get another job.
George Sr.: Medford has one high school. [stammers] Another job could mean moving.
Mary: But our roots are here. My mom is here.
George Sr.: So, moving's got its upsides.

Mr. Givens: All right, everyone, we'll pick it up here tomorrow. If we're lucky, we may find a fossil as old as lunch lady Phyllis. You people don't know what's funny.

Mary: Didn't Sheldon's college talk to you about coaching there once?
George Sr.: That's right, they did.
Mary: And you know the president pretty well now.
George Sr.: I do.
Mary: And they're used to losing, so it's low pressure.
George Sr.: Thank you.

Missy: You have a calculator I can borrow?
Sheldon: Yes, but I'm using it.
Missy: No, you're not.
Sheldon: [Sheldon taps his head] Why do you need a calculator?
Missy: I'm trying to figure out what to spend my money on. What are you gonna do with yours?
Sheldon: I'm glad you asked. I'm dipping my toe in the exciting world of the stock market by purchasing three shares of RadioShack.
Missy: Why?
Sheldon: Well, as a shareholder, I'll be partial owner of my very favorite company. See, when companies go public, they sell shares of stock...
Missy: I'll just buy my own calculator.

Meemaw: I'm sorry for the things I said, and, you know, what happened at the bowling alley.
Brenda Sparks: As am I.
Meemaw: Here. I think this came out of your head.

George Sr.: I'm proud of him for trying to overcome that damn dog phobia.
Mary: You should tell him that.
George Sr.: Well, if he ever leaves that bathroom, I will.

Meemaw: Hey, Moonpie. I got you a little something to help you get over your fear of animals.
Sheldon: A tranquilizer gun?

Missy: And then Bryan Larkin read the letter out loud in the hall.
George Sr.: No.
Missy: Georgie used the word "love," like, 30 times. It was pathetic.
George Sr.: That hurts to hear.
Missy: Really? I think it's hilarious. Also, my math teacher's pregnant.
George Sr.: Well, that's nice.
Missy: [QUIETLY] It might not be her husband's.
George Sr.: Whose do you think it is?

Missy: Mrs. Sparks' credit card got declined at Payless.
George Sr.: No kidding.
Missy: She went nuts. But you didn't hear it from me.