Sheldon: I'm being forced to swim tomorrow in P.E.
Missy: Poor baby. You have to play in a pool instead of sit in a classroom.
Sheldon: A pool of sweat, germs and dead skin cells.
Missy: Still better than learning.
Sheldon: Maybe it's time for me to run away from home and join a traveling math club.

Georgie: Mom says you're sick.
Missy: [whispering] He's faking.
Georgie: Really? [closes door] Why? You love school.
Sheldon: Swim test.
Georgie: Oh, sure. You would die.

Georgie: If you're gonna do this, let me give you some pointers.
Sheldon: You've done this before?
Georgie: Tell him.
Missy: Oh, he's the master. He coached me through my last two sore throats.
Sheldon: I slept on the couch during those.
Missy: I know.

Dale: Now, don't fill up on those. We still got two giant cookies to finish.
Meemaw: I'm sorry about all that stuff with John. I- He means well, but sometimes he can just be, uh a little quirky.
Dale: Yeah, I kind of figured that; yeah, I watched him play ping-pong with his own crotch.
Meemaw: I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he did it.

Billy Sparks: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello, Billy. I hear you're not feeling well.
Billy Sparks: I'm not. I have a cold.
Sheldon: That's too bad. Put her there.
Billy Sparks: Why?
Sheldon: Just shake my hand, Billy.
Billy Sparks: But my mom says that's how germs get spread.
Sheldon: I know.
Billy Sparks: You do? When did you talk to my mom?
Sheldon: Just, eh- [Sheldon grabs Billy's hand and rubs it over his face] Ugh!
Billy Sparks: Wait, want to play? Aw.

Dale: My grandson's trying to steal home, and he trips and he falls and lands face-first on the plate, lost a tooth, we won the game. Get this. He finds the tooth two days later when he goes to the bathroom. [Meemaw is silent] That's it? You don't understand. He found the tooth-
Meemaw: I got it.

[Sheldon walks down the hallway, walks into his bedroom, stands beside his bed, and meekly punches his mattress]
Missy: That was the lamest tantrum I've ever seen.

Coach Wilkins: Really? Cooper's out sick? What a baby.
Mr. Givens: Really? Cooper's out sick? Oh, baby!
Ms. Ingram: Hallelujah!
Ms. MacElroy: Happy birthday to me.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, I understand you're seeing someone new. Tell me everything.
Meemaw: No!
Dr. John Sturgis: I assumed that, uh, as friends, we could tell each other about our personal lives.
Meemaw: Trust me, John, you-you don't want to hear about these things.
Dr. John Sturgis: Actually, I do. Your happiness is very important to me.
Meemaw: Oh, what the hell. His name is Dale. He owns a sporting goods store. And we've only been out a few times, but so far, so good.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that sounds wonderful. Good for you.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Now, would you like to hear about the women I'm dating?
Meemaw: You're dating other women?
Dr. John Sturgis: Heavens, no.

Mary: Well, break it to him gently.
George: Wait. Me?
Mary: Swimming's a sport, and you're a sports person.
George: And he's a mama's boy, and you're his mama.

Mary: How about we do it together?
George: Fine, but you can't hang me out to dry.
Mary: Of course not.
George: We're a team. We're in this together, right?
Mary: You bet.
George: [to the baby Jesus] She's gonna hang me out to dry.

Mary: Okay. Shelly, can you turn the TV off for a second?
Sheldon: But after this commercial break, Professor Proton is going to use a candle to suck a hard-boiled egg into a milk bottle.

George: We'll make it quick. Go ahead.
Mary: Your father has something to tell you.
George: Your mother wants you to swim.
Mary: George!
Sheldon: Mom!

Missy: Just pretend to be sick.
Sheldon: But that would be lying. I'm not a liar.
Missy: Well, you better be a swimmer. Or a drowner.

Sheldon: Ugh!
Pool: Why don't you like me?
Sheldon: You're full of bacteria.
Pool: So are you, but you don't hear me saying, "Ugh." It's rude. Look, I may just be pool water, but I still have feelings.
Sheldon: Sorry, water.
Pool: Come on. My pH level is 7.4, and with three parts per million of chlorine, I'm cleaner than your daddy's plate after Thanksgiving dinner.
Sheldon: Wow. That's pretty clean.
Pool: Look how clear I am, Sheldon. You can see all the way to the bottom. Closer. A little closer. A little closer. Gotcha!
[Sheldon wakes up in bed:]
Sheldon: Pool monster!