Sheldon: I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Billy Sparks: If you mean I'm gonna be left back, it's okay. You tried.
Sheldon: No. Well, maybe. I have bad news about zero. It doesn't exist.
Billy Sparks: So I was right?
Sheldon: No one is more shocked than I am. I can't help you with your test. Without zero, I don't even know what math is anymore.
Billy Sparks: Hmm.
Sheldon: Yeah. Hmm.
Billy Sparks: What if we just pretend it exists?
Sheldon: Are you saying to accept zero as an act of faith?
Billy Sparks: Was I?
Sheldon: I think so.
Billy Sparks: Okay.

Billy Sparks: Maybe we should pray to it.
Sheldon: I think we should.
[Sheldon and Billy get down on their knees to pray]
Sheldon: Zero, it's me, Sheldon. I know I doubted you, but in my defense, you're literally nothing. I would like to thank you for all the gifts you've given us... The null set, Fibonacci sequence, binary language. I could go on ad infinitum, but not without you.
Billy Sparks: [whispers] Ask Zero to help me pass my test.
Sheldon: Zero's not magic. You still have to study.
Billy Sparks: Oh. Then I'm going back to Jesus. Jesus, please help me. I'm already the biggest kid in sixth grade.
Sheldon: Amen.
Billy Sparks: Amen.

Sheldon: Good news. I think Billy might pass his math test tomorrow.
Missy: There's a math test tomorrow?
Sheldon: Your hair is upsetting me.

Sheldon: Aah. No skateboarding in the hallway. Aah! This childishness cannot be allowed to continue.

Sheldon: Hello. I need to tattle.
Tommy: [opens door] What?
Sheldon: Is your room on fire?
Tommy: No.
Sheldon: But I see smoke.
Tommy: Okay.
Sheldon: You need to know there's people skateboarding and playing loud music in the hallways.
Tommy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: You're the resident advisor. It's your job to enforce the rules.
Tommy: I'll get right on it.
Sheldon: Thank you. [walks away] The system works.

[Sheldon is asleep as he sits on a bench outside President Hagemeyer's office. As she turns the corner of the corridor and sees him, she quickly comes to a halt and tries to back away.]
Sheldon: I smell your shampoo.
President Hagemeyer: Aw, damn it.

President Hagemeyer: How long have you been sitting out there?
Sheldon: All night.
President Hagemeyer: And why?
Sheldon: [sighs heavily] Are you familiar with Arkham Asylum from the Batman comics?
President Hagemeyer: No.
Sheldon: Well, it's a madhouse, as is my dormitory after the sun goes down.

President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I am the president of this university. I don't handle noise complaints. That's why there's a resident advisor.
Sheldon: Oh, I went to him.
President Hagemeyer: And?
Sheldon: You saw me sleeping on the bench like a hobo. What do you think?
President Hagemeyer: Can't you just... I don't know... chalk this up as part of the college experience?
Sheldon: Yeah, the clown college experience. I'm sorry. I'm cranky.

Sheldon: [over bullhorn] Attention, residents of Bower Hall. My name is Sheldon Cooper, and I'm your new R.A. The age of chaos is over. I repeat, the age of chaos is over. Please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the dormitory rules posted on the bulletin board. Ignorance of these rules is no excuse, and violators will be...
[A tired looking student wearing a t-shirt and boxer shorts walks out of his dorm room and grabs Sheldon's bull-horn, taking it back into his room]
Sheldon: [shouts through his hands] New rule. Unauthorized use of my bullhorn is forbidden. I repeat. Unauthorized...
Student: [over bullhorn] Shut up.

Sheldon: And not only that. Then someone defaced my rule sheet with a drawing of testicles.
President Hagemeyer: [muffled laugh] Well, that is so immature.
Sheldon: I agree. Simply naming me dorm R.A. isn't enough to command respect. I need a physical symbol of my authority, like the way a king had a scepter.
President Hagemeyer: So, you want a scepter?
Sheldon: No, that could be used against me. Ooh, how about a badge? I'd be like a Texas Ranger who patrols the halls of a dormitory.

President Hagemeyer: Well, these all just such terrific ideas but, um, how about an official letter from my desk with a handwritten note attesting to your position?
Sheldon: All right.
President Hagemeyer: "To the students of Bower Hall."
Sheldon: That's your handwriting?
President Hagemeyer: "This document bestows on Sheldon Cooper all the powers and privileges of resident advisor."
Sheldon: "Bestows." I like it. Sloppy, but I like it.

[Sheldon and Missy stand near the couch where Coach Wilkins is asleep and snoring]
Missy: [whispers] What's he doing here?
Sheldon: I don't know. But more importantly, would it be rude if I watch television?
[Sheldon and Missy go to their parents' bedroom]
Missy: [whispers] Mom. Mom.
Mary: What?
Missy: Why is Coach Wilkins asleep on the couch?
Sheldon: No, the question is can I watch TV with Coach Wilkins asleep on the couch? It's a subtle but important difference.
George: Get out.

Georgie: Give me the bucket. I'll watch for leaks while you go eat.
Sheldon: Really?
Georgie: Yeah.
Sheldon: Okay. But keep an eye above the computer, that's the heart of my whole operation.
Georgie: Got it.
Sheldon: And the train set.
Georgie: Go eat.

Sheldon: But there was a note on file. If one became available, it was supposed to be held for me.
Missy: Sorry.
Sheldon: But there was a note on file.
Missy: I didn't see a note.
Sheldon: Did you even check the file?
Missy: I can't help you. The comic is gone.
Sheldon: Well, who'd you sell it to?
Missy: I don't know, some guy.
Sheldon: Which guy?
Missy: Some weird guy.
Sheldon: That doesn't narrow it down, and you know it.

Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon...
Sheldon: Hello.
Dr. Linkletter: Are you comfortable? Can I get you anything?
Sheldon: I wouldn't say no to a water.
Dr. Linkletter: I wasn't being sincere. Why are you at my desk?
Sheldon: I needed to use your modem to check my bulletin board.
Dr. Linkletter: Why can't you use the library?
Sheldon: Then I wouldn't get to see you, silly.