Meemaw: All right, I finally got him calmed down.
Mary: How'd you manage that?
Meemaw: Easy. Gave him a hug and a little cough syrup.
Mary: Mom!
Meemaw: It's not like he's operating heavy machinery.

Meemaw: It's just a tantrum. It's what kids do.
Mary: You used to punish me all the time.
Meemaw: That was different. You were a pain in the ass.

George Sr.: I say no Radio Shack for at least a month.
Mary: Sounds fair.
George Sr.: I'll go tell him.
Meemaw: I'd wait and tell him tomorrow. He's a little loopy right now.

George Jr.: I don't see why I couldn't stay home.
Mary: 'Cause we're having a fun family outin'.
George Jr.: Can I at least drive?
Meemaw: She said fun, not tragic.

Missy: Oh, God, it's on my shoes, it's on my shoes!
Meemaw: For Pete's sake, somebody open a window.

Mary: We're real proud of you, honey.
Missy: Are you proud of me and Georgie?
Mary: Of course.
George Sr.: You bet.
George Jr.: For what?
Meemaw: Don't go pokin' at it.

Meemaw: I don't care if you win, just cover the damn spread.
Mary: Mom, are you betting again?
Meemaw: No.

Meemaw: Okay, you can tell me, who's his real daddy?

Meemaw: Is it your dentist? The little guy with the glasses? You can tell me.

Meemaw: Can I ask you a favor?
Sheldon: Sure. What?
Meemaw: You know those statistics that you were talking about with your dad? Could could that be applied to, say, who might win the Cowboys-Packers game next week? And, more specifically, by how much?
Sheldon: I suppose with enough data I could make a reasonable guess.
Meemaw: I don't want a guess, I want to know.

Missy: Mom said you're not supposed to gamble.
Meemaw: Sleep, child!

Meemaw: I think your anger might be a little misdirected.
Mary: Don't you start with me either.
Meemaw: Now, see, you're still shootin' wide.

Meemaw: Good Lord, that mouth of yours is a machine gun tonight.

Meemaw: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Meemaw: So Oilers are a four-point favorite for this Sunday's game, but it's a home game, so I'm thinking I give the points. What do you think?
Sheldon: I think I have to tell on you again.
Meemaw: Go ahead. What's your mama gonna do, ground me?
Sheldon: Take the Oilers, give the points.
Meemaw: I love you, Moonpie.

Vincent: How you doin' there, Connie?
Meemaw: Hey, Vincent. What brings you to Louisiana? Wait, don't tell me. You're here to see Tony Orlando.
Vincent: 'Fraid not.
Meemaw: Oh, well, you ought to check him out. He'll, uh, knock your socks off.
Vincent: I like my socks on.

Vincent: Connie, you're putting me in a very awkward position.
Meemaw: I won a toaster oven playing keno. You want it?
Vincent: I got one. I want my money.
Meemaw: All right. Hang on. That's a very nice jacket. You're looking dapper. Ah. Hey, they comp my room here. They do that for you?
Vincent: Actually, they frown upon my presence here.
Meemaw: Oh. I also get a coupon for the breakfast buffet. You should look into that.

Vincent: Constance!
Meemaw: Patience, Vincenzo. [slot machine pays out] Yes! Oh! All right, now we're talking. Will you take a down payment in quarters?
Vincent: Do I have a choice?
Meemaw: Start scoopin'. I got to go see Tony Orlando.

Meemaw: Well, here's something nice. You know that Mr. Rosenbloom with the furniture store over by the steakhouse?
Mary: I don't think so.
Meemaw: Oh, sure you do. That Hebrew fella with the comb-over?
Mary: You mean Jewish?
Meemaw: I think they like to be called Hebrew. Anyway, he's asked me to dinner.

Mary: What'd you say?
Meemaw: I said I'd have to think about it.
George Sr.: What's to think about?
Meemaw: Well, a lot. I mean, assuming he enjoys dinner, he might want a scoop of Meemaw for dessert.
Mary: Mom, the kids.
Meemaw: I said "dessert." Did you know I was talking about sex?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: See?

Meemaw: How about I cut that pork chop off the bone and throw it in the blender with some gravy?
Sheldon: If it fits through a bendy straw, I'll drink it.