Meemaw: You know, it's a long bike ride at night. If you want you're welcome to stay.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, it's fine, I-I have a headlight on my bicycle.
Meemaw: Oh, sure, sure. Although, I hear it might rain.
Dr. John Sturgis: No worries. I have a pocket poncho.
Meemaw: So you do. John, I'm inviting you to spend the night.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. No, thank you.

Mary: Here we go: animal control.
Meemaw: Oh, no, no. No, you don't want to go calling animal control.
Mary: Why not?
Meemaw: Because, you have to live next door to these people.
Mary: They called the cops on Georgie when he played music too loud.
Meemaw: Maybe it was them, maybe it was me.

Meemaw: Anyway, the point is, you don't can't go throwing gasoline on the fire.
Mary: Well, they started this fire, and now, they're gonna get burned.
Meemaw: I believe you've had enough coffee.

Meemaw: Listen, why don't you let me talk to Brenda, and just smooth things out?
Mary: Why do you think she'll listen to you?
Meemaw: Because people like me more than you.
Mary: People like me.
Meemaw: I didn't say they don't, they just like me more.

Meemaw: Let me buy you a drink, and we'll talk about this. I'm more on your side than you think.
Brenda Sparks: Somehow, I doubt that.
Meemaw: It's true. Don't you think I realize that Mary can be a bit-
Brenda Sparks: Of a self-righteous bitch?
Meemaw: I was gonna say "challenging," but sure, let's go with yours. It's got a nice rhythm.

Meemaw: Brenda, this is, by far, the best bowling alley margarita in town.

Meemaw: You know, Mary has a tough job raising those three kids, with one of them being, you know, somewhat special.
Brenda Sparks: I can see that.
Meemaw: Yeah. And having a kind neighbor makes all the difference in the world.
Brenda Sparks: Well, we try.
Meemaw: And I know you know how stressful it is, seeing as how you have your own child who is special in his own way.
Brenda Sparks: What's that supposed to mean?
Meemaw: Well, I mean, hey, I know Billy is a terrific little boy, but I am sure he has presented you and Herschel with some challenges.
Brenda Sparks: If there's a weird kid in the neighborhood, it's your grandson.
Meemaw: Now, hang on, I said "special," not "weird".
Brenda Sparks: I heard you. I said "weird".
Meemaw: Okay, see now, Brenda, you don't want to go calling my grandson weird when I've just treated you to a margarita grande.

Brenda Sparks: Well, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't be inferring there's something wrong with my Billy.
Meemaw: Darlin', there's no inferring. I've seen the boy sitting in the dirt eating his own belly button lint.

Mary: Really, Mom? This is how you put out the fire?
Meemaw: Well, at least she got the worst of it.
George Sr.: How you figure that?
Meemaw: I ripped a big patch of hair out of her head. This will be healed in a week. She will be wearing a hat till Labor Day.

Brenda Sparks: There's no problem here, other than these two thinking that they're better than me.
Mary: I don't think it, I know it.
Brenda Sparks: I gave your mother a good smacking. I can give you one, too.
Meemaw: That's big talk from somebody with a comb-over.

Pastor Jeff: Ladies. Do I need to remind you that we are Christians? In all our behavior, in all our actions, we must constantly ask ourselves the question, "What would Jesus do?"
Meemaw: Can I say something?
Pastor Jeff: Would Jesus say it?
Meemaw: Never mind.

Pastor Jeff: Now oftentimes, when we don't like someone, what's happening is we see something in them that we don't like in ourselves.
Brenda Sparks: What are you saying?
Mary: Really? That was over your head?
Pastor Jeff: I'm saying, y'all might have more in common than you think.
Meemaw: Well, don't say both their kids are "special". She [pointing towards Brenda] does not like that.

Meemaw: I'm sorry for the things I said, and, you know, what happened at the bowling alley.
Brenda Sparks: As am I.
Meemaw: Here. I think this came out of your head.

Sheldon: I've been corresponding with Dr. John Sturgis at East Texas Tech. He said I could audit his course.
Meemaw: You're pen pals with a stranger? Is this okay?
Sheldon: He's not a stranger. He's a famous scientist. He carbon-dated the oldest human feces.
Meemaw: That ain't strange.

Sheldon: It's only one day a week, and I was hoping Meemaw could take me.
Meemaw: I'm gonna start eating dinner at my house.

Meemaw: You better make a whole lot of money and take care of me when I'm old.
Sheldon: I'm not interested in money. I'm interested in the pursuit of knowledge.
Meemaw: That is the wrong thing to say to someone who is spending her Friday night as your chauffeur.

Sheldon: Did you know the word chauffeur is French for "stoker," because the first automobiles were steam-powered, and the driver had to stoke the engine?
Meemaw: Right there. Why am I driving you to college when you already know everything?

Meemaw: Okay, this is you. Good luck.
Sheldon: Aren't you going to walk me in and get me situated?
Meemaw: Oh, yes, of course. Right this way, my prince.

Meemaw: Okay, you all situated?
Sheldon: I believe so, yes.
Meemaw: I'll be right outside.
Sheldon: Are you sure you don't want to stay and learn about quantum chromodynamics?
Meemaw: And spoil the fun of you telling me all about it on the ride home? No way.
Sheldon: Smart.

Meemaw: Oh, you must be my grandson's pen pal.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry?
Meemaw: Sheldon Cooper.
Dr. John Sturgis: The nine-year-old with the flawless penmanship. I look forward to meeting him.
Meemaw: Well, he's right in there. You can't miss him. He's about yea big.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. An-An-And will you be joining us?
Meemaw: Will you be discussing quantum chromodynamics?
Dr. John Sturgis: I certainly hope so.
Meemaw: Then I don't think so.
Dr. John Sturgis: Are you sure? Every day is a chance to learn something new.
Meemaw: Can I ask questions?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, how else can you learn?
Meemaw: Well, let's do it, then.