Mary: How's it going in there, baby?
Sheldon: [gargling, spits] Okay, but we're gonna need more Listerine.

Pastor Jeff: Now this might be hard to understand, but living a loving, Christian life isn't always the easiest thing to do. Yes, Billy.
Billy Sparks: My mom's not crazy about you either.
Pastor Jeff: Just love your neighbor, 'kay? [SNIFFS]

Meemaw: You know, Mary has a tough job raising those three kids, with one of them being, you know, somewhat special.
Brenda Sparks: I can see that.
Meemaw: Yeah. And having a kind neighbor makes all the difference in the world.
Brenda Sparks: Well, we try.
Meemaw: And I know you know how stressful it is, seeing as how you have your own child who is special in his own way.
Brenda Sparks: What's that supposed to mean?
Meemaw: Well, I mean, hey, I know Billy is a terrific little boy, but I am sure he has presented you and Herschel with some challenges.
Brenda Sparks: If there's a weird kid in the neighborhood, it's your grandson.
Meemaw: Now, hang on, I said "special," not "weird".
Brenda Sparks: I heard you. I said "weird".
Meemaw: Okay, see now, Brenda, you don't want to go calling my grandson weird when I've just treated you to a margarita grande.

Brenda Sparks: There's no problem here, other than these two thinking that they're better than me.
Mary: I don't think it, I know it.
Brenda Sparks: I gave your mother a good smacking. I can give you one, too.
Meemaw: That's big talk from somebody with a comb-over.

Mary: Baby, what's wrong?
Sheldon: I tried to pet Fish! Ah, he was so slimy!
Mary: Well, yeah, he's a fish.

Sheldon: Meemaw got punched in the face because of me.
Mary: No, that wasn't because of you, and for the record, your meemaw gets punched in the face all the time.

Mary: Lunch is ready. Can you go get your brother?
Missy: I'm watching TV.
Mary: Just go.
Missy: [sighs] I have to do smurfing everything around here.
Mary: I heard that.
Missy: I said "smurfing".
Mary: And I heard how you said it.

Pastor Jeff: Now, it says here in Mark 12:31 that you should "Love your neighbor as yourself." Anybody like to take a guess what that means? Missy?
Missy: It means to be nice to the people who live next door.
Pastor Jeff: That's right.
Missy: But everybody else can go to hell.

George: Morning, Herschel.
Herschel Sparks: Hey, George. Uh, you didn't see a dog wandering around here, did you?
George: No. Y'all get a dog?
Herschel Sparks: Uh, sort of. We took him in after my brother-in-law had to go live in a gated community.
George: Oh, that sounds nice, uh, they got a no pets policy?
Herschel Sparks: He's in jail, George.
George: Right, sure.

Herschel Sparks: Maybe he's teething. You know, when Billy was little, he chewed right through his playpen.
George: No kidding?
Herschel Sparks: Only had three teeth. Mostly gummed it.

Mary: Why didn't you call for help?
Sheldon: I tried, but no sound came out.
Mary: You poor thing.
Sheldon: It was very dirty up there. Is cleaning the garage your job or Dad's?

Meemaw: Maybe you could start out with a small pet, and work your way up. Like a turtle.
Mary: He says they carry salmonella.
Meemaw: A gerbil?
Mary: Apparently, they caused the plague.
Georgie: What about a bird?
George: Oh, I know that one. They'll steal his hair to make a nest.

George: All right. Everyone's upset, it's late. Maybe we should drop this for tonight?
Herschel Sparks: That's a good idea.
Mary: Okay. You just keep your dog away from my son.
George: There you go picking it up again.
Mary: I am sorry, but their dog broke into our home. Something he probably learned from your brother.
Brenda Sparks: How dare you.
Herschel Sparks: Okay, I think that's a good stopping point.

Meemaw: Listen, why don't you let me talk to Brenda, and just smooth things out?
Mary: Why do you think she'll listen to you?
Meemaw: Because people like me more than you.
Mary: People like me.
Meemaw: I didn't say they don't, they just like me more.

Adult Sheldon: The basic premise of the book was that phobias were overcome by taking incremental steps toward confronting the phobia in question. In my case, that started with watching a TV show that was adored by children around the world, but for me, was the stuff of nightmares. [Scooby Doo plays on TV]