Sheldon: That's brilliant. Mm. Now, how is it that you can't count?

Sheldon: Anything you can do to help me win a decisive victory come Election Day would be much appreciated.
Mr. Givens: Oh, well, I'm sorry, Sheldon, the faculty doesn't get involved in student elections.
Sheldon: Oh, I understand. You have to remain neutral. Wink, wink.
Mr. Givens: I'm sorry, wink, wink?
Sheldon: You want new science equipment and I want that for you. One hand washes the other. Wink, wink.
Mr. Givens: Oh, sure, wink, wink.
Sheldon: Now you're getting it. Wink, wink.
Mr. Givens: Wink, wink.
Sheldon: Wink, wink.
Mr. Givens: That kid creeps me out.

Adult Sheldon: It was turning out to be the perfect Saturday. The ice cream man had extra napkins. I had tons of homework. And I was about to enjoy an orange sherbet Push-Up, which was the only kind of Push-Up I could actually finish. Then it all came crashing down.

Sheldon: Another fun footwear slogan is "I'm Buster Brown. I live in a shoe. That's my dog Tige. Look for him there, too."
George Sr.: Mm, I think mine is more helpful.
Sheldon: Well, mine rhymes, so...

Adult Sheldon: I decided to heed my father's advice. I wasn't sure how to turn off my brain. Thankfully, I lived with an expert.
[Sheldon knocks on the garage door. Georgie opens it]
George Jr.: What's up?
[inside:]
George Jr.: I've never really thought about not thinking before.
Sheldon: Well, I'm asking you to think about it.
George Jr.: But I thought you were interested in not thinking.
Sheldon: I am. I want you to think about not thinking, and then teach me how to do it.
George Jr.: Do what?
Sheldon: Not think.
George Jr.: All right. [silence] This is tough. I'm good at not thinking, but I don't think I can teach you how to not think without thinking.
Sheldon: Hmm, well, thank you for trying.

George Jr.: Hold on! What if you're thinking about something else instead? Would that count as thinking or not thinking?
Sheldon: I suppose it's similar to the mantras extolled by the sages of the East. It's a practice that Swami Vivekananda called Japa Yoga and it's intended to bring out a single-pointedness of concentration.
George Jr.: Sorry, I zoned out.
Sheldon: Ooh, tell me how.
George Jr.: Let's see. You were blabbering. It all started to blur together. And I was gone.
Sheldon: At what point did it start to happen?
George Jr.: I don't know. Say it again. I said I suppose it's similar to the mantras extolled by the sages of the East. It's a practice that Swami Vivekananda called Japa Yoga... [Sheldon's voice slows down] [Indian traditional music plays] [Georgie imagines Sheldon with a third eye in the middle of his forehead]
George Jr.: That is wild.

George Jr.: I guess I never thought about it that way before.
Meemaw: You kidding me? Right now, they would be nagging you about cleaning your room and doing your homework. Instead, you're sitting in a parking lot, eating a Blizzard for dinner.
Missy: With cookie dough in it.
Meemaw: Exactly. While Sheldon is stuck sitting in some boring shrink's office.
George Jr.: Mom told me they were taking him for a haircut.
Meemaw: Oh, yeah, right. Well, when he gets home, say his hair looks good.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, armed with the sage advice of my father, my brother, and an executed murderer, I was allowed to retake the test.
Dr. Linkletter: You have 45 minutes starting now.
Sheldon: [inner monologue] Okay, just do it. Just do it. Just turn your brain off and do it. Is it off? Am I doing it? Wait, if I'm thinking it's off, then it must still be on. I'm trying too hard. Don't overthink, just do it. Just do it, just...
Dr. Linkletter: Time's up.
Sheldon: But I didn't do it.
Dr. Linkletter: Waste my morning? You did it.

Mr. Lundy: Well, you are passing a-a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
George Jr.: And how much lifetime do you have left?
Mr. Lundy: That's not helping.
Meemaw: No.
Mr. Lundy: All right, fair enough. Thank you for hearing us out. If you have a change of heart, you let us know.
George Jr.: Screw that. My whole life I've seen you bet on football games, throw away all kinds of money at the track. If you want to gamble on something, why can't it be on your own grandson?
Meemaw: How much money you need?
Mr. Lundy: Well, now, um... how much money did you bet on football last year?
Meemaw: [chuckles] Well, you're not getting that much.

Sheldon: I don't even care about church, and I can name them all.
Paige: So can I.
Sheldon: No, you can't.
Paige: Yes, I can. I can even do it in alphabetical order.
Sheldon: Well, I can name them in the order they appear in the Book of Matthew.
[Sheldon and Paige raises their hnads]
Pastor Jeff: Paige, yes.
Paige: Peter, Andrew, James, son of Zebedee, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, James, son of Alpheus, Thaddeus, Simon and Judas. And that's the order that they appear in the Book of Matthew.
Pastor Jeff: Fantastic! [chuckles] You just won yourself a psalm 100 bookmark.
Paige: [chuckles] Thank you. I love that psalm. [applause]
Adult Sheldon: You would think winning a Nobel Prize in Physics would make this moment meaningless to me, but all these years later, it still burns my butt.

Adult Sheldon: Trying to outsmart my own thought patterns proved to be challenging. It's understandable, as smart as I was, I was also that smart. I wondered if I could invent a mind control device, but that sounded a little too "mwah ha ha" even for me. It turned out the device I was looking for had been in my presence the entire time. Television. It had been tranquilizing the minds of America's youth for generations, and it was just what I needed.
Man: [on TV] Lift off.
Sheldon: Too interesting. [turns to The Three Stooges] Too violent. [turns to game show involving slime] I don't think so.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Now, then, let's build us a little cloud. Clouds are very free. Very, very free. Tell you what. Shoot, that was so much fun, let's get crazy...
Sheldon: Who's this bohemian?

Adult Sheldon: People often ask why I was so resistant to getting a driver's license. My spotty history with motor vehicles was certainly a factor.
[flashback: Georgie driving Sheldon and Missy to the hospital:]
Sheldon: Please slow down.
George Jr.: I'm going eight miles an hour. A cow just passed us.
Missy: You're gonna hit it!
[flashback: George driving through a car wash with Sheldon:]
Sheldon: Make it stop!
George Sr.: It's just a car wash.
Sheldon: Do something!
George Sr.: It's just a car wash.
Sheldon: We're gonna die!
George Sr.: Just a car wash.
[flashback to Sheldon on a go kart:]
Sheldon: Why did I agree to this? I don't care for this at all.

Sheldon: Something suspicious is happening next door.
George Sr.: Like what?
Sheldon: Groups of strangers keep coming and going. They must be using the house to sell drugs.
George Sr.: No one's selling drugs, they're just havin' an open house.
Sheldon: What's that?
George Sr.: They open up the house so people interested in buyin' it can take a look.
Sheldon: That explains why 911 hung up on me.

Sheldon: Nell Cavanaugh, it appears we're taking the mittens off.

Veronica: Georgie, check it out.
George Jr.: Oh, man, I hate that he's doing this.
Veronica: What? It's cute.
George Jr.: It's embarrassing.
Veronica: I would think you'd be proud of him.
George Jr.: That's 'cause you're a better person than me.
Veronica: Maybe you ought to ask God to take away your anger and replace it with love.
George Jr.: Can I ask him to take away my brother instead?
Veronica: Georgie.
George Jr.: Not kill him Just strand him on an island somewhere. A nice island, with coconuts and stuff.

Sheldon: This was a great idea. Children like cupcakes, and, by giving them cupcakes, they'll transfer that affinity to me.
Mary: That's another way of looking at it.
Sheldon: By that reasoning, a rich person could simply buy people's votes.
Mary: It's been known to happen.
Sheldon: Until my ship comes in, I guess it's cupcakes.

Adult Sheldon: I had no choice but to determine if any of these prospective home buyers would be suitable neighbors. This shifty fellow?
Sheldon: He looks like trouble.
Adult Sheldon: That woman and whatever dark secret is hiding in her bag?
Sheldon: Probably a machete.
Adult Sheldon: Oh, this lady seems promising.
[fantasy scene of Sheldon laying awake at night as a baby cries]
Sheldon: Not on my watch.

George Sr.: I thought you didn't like taking the Lord's name in vain?
Mary: Oh, shut up.
George Sr.: It's been a while, huh?
Mary: Don't blame me. You're the one who had a heart attack.
George Sr.: Mm, the doctor did say I needed to get more exercise.
Mary: I think he meant walks around the block.
George Sr.: No, he winked at me, and did this little rotation with his hips.

George Sr.: Missy doing anything stupid?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: One out of three. Not bad.

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, and, uh if your meemaw asks how I did tonight, I hope you'll give me a positive review.
Sheldon: Three stars.
Dr. John Sturgis: Out of three?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wonderful!