Sheldon: Something suspicious is happening next door.
George Sr.: Like what?
Sheldon: Groups of strangers keep coming and going. They must be using the house to sell drugs.
George Sr.: No one's selling drugs, they're just havin' an open house.
Sheldon: What's that?
George Sr.: They open up the house so people interested in buyin' it can take a look.
Sheldon: That explains why 911 hung up on me.

Adult Sheldon: People often ask why I was so resistant to getting a driver's license. My spotty history with motor vehicles was certainly a factor.
[flashback: Georgie driving Sheldon and Missy to the hospital:]
Sheldon: Please slow down.
George Jr.: I'm going eight miles an hour. A cow just passed us.
Missy: You're gonna hit it!
[flashback: George driving through a car wash with Sheldon:]
Sheldon: Make it stop!
George Sr.: It's just a car wash.
Sheldon: Do something!
George Sr.: It's just a car wash.
Sheldon: We're gonna die!
George Sr.: Just a car wash.
[flashback to Sheldon on a go kart:]
Sheldon: Why did I agree to this? I don't care for this at all.

Adult Sheldon: Trying to outsmart my own thought patterns proved to be challenging. It's understandable, as smart as I was, I was also that smart. I wondered if I could invent a mind control device, but that sounded a little too "mwah ha ha" even for me. It turned out the device I was looking for had been in my presence the entire time. Television. It had been tranquilizing the minds of America's youth for generations, and it was just what I needed.
Man: [on TV] Lift off.
Sheldon: Too interesting. [turns to The Three Stooges] Too violent. [turns to game show involving slime] I don't think so.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Now, then, let's build us a little cloud. Clouds are very free. Very, very free. Tell you what. Shoot, that was so much fun, let's get crazy...
Sheldon: Who's this bohemian?

Sheldon: I don't even care about church, and I can name them all.
Paige: So can I.
Sheldon: No, you can't.
Paige: Yes, I can. I can even do it in alphabetical order.
Sheldon: Well, I can name them in the order they appear in the Book of Matthew.
[Sheldon and Paige raises their hnads]
Pastor Jeff: Paige, yes.
Paige: Peter, Andrew, James, son of Zebedee, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, James, son of Alpheus, Thaddeus, Simon and Judas. And that's the order that they appear in the Book of Matthew.
Pastor Jeff: Fantastic! [chuckles] You just won yourself a psalm 100 bookmark.
Paige: [chuckles] Thank you. I love that psalm. [applause]
Adult Sheldon: You would think winning a Nobel Prize in Physics would make this moment meaningless to me, but all these years later, it still burns my butt.

Mr. Lundy: Well, you are passing a-a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
George Jr.: And how much lifetime do you have left?
Mr. Lundy: That's not helping.
Meemaw: No.
Mr. Lundy: All right, fair enough. Thank you for hearing us out. If you have a change of heart, you let us know.
George Jr.: Screw that. My whole life I've seen you bet on football games, throw away all kinds of money at the track. If you want to gamble on something, why can't it be on your own grandson?
Meemaw: How much money you need?
Mr. Lundy: Well, now, um... how much money did you bet on football last year?
Meemaw: [chuckles] Well, you're not getting that much.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, armed with the sage advice of my father, my brother, and an executed murderer, I was allowed to retake the test.
Dr. Linkletter: You have 45 minutes starting now.
Sheldon: [inner monologue] Okay, just do it. Just do it. Just turn your brain off and do it. Is it off? Am I doing it? Wait, if I'm thinking it's off, then it must still be on. I'm trying too hard. Don't overthink, just do it. Just do it, just...
Dr. Linkletter: Time's up.
Sheldon: But I didn't do it.
Dr. Linkletter: Waste my morning? You did it.

George Jr.: I guess I never thought about it that way before.
Meemaw: You kidding me? Right now, they would be nagging you about cleaning your room and doing your homework. Instead, you're sitting in a parking lot, eating a Blizzard for dinner.
Missy: With cookie dough in it.
Meemaw: Exactly. While Sheldon is stuck sitting in some boring shrink's office.
George Jr.: Mom told me they were taking him for a haircut.
Meemaw: Oh, yeah, right. Well, when he gets home, say his hair looks good.

George Jr.: Hold on! What if you're thinking about something else instead? Would that count as thinking or not thinking?
Sheldon: I suppose it's similar to the mantras extolled by the sages of the East. It's a practice that Swami Vivekananda called Japa Yoga and it's intended to bring out a single-pointedness of concentration.
George Jr.: Sorry, I zoned out.
Sheldon: Ooh, tell me how.
George Jr.: Let's see. You were blabbering. It all started to blur together. And I was gone.
Sheldon: At what point did it start to happen?
George Jr.: I don't know. Say it again. I said I suppose it's similar to the mantras extolled by the sages of the East. It's a practice that Swami Vivekananda called Japa Yoga... [Sheldon's voice slows down] [Indian traditional music plays] [Georgie imagines Sheldon with a third eye in the middle of his forehead]
George Jr.: That is wild.

Adult Sheldon: I decided to heed my father's advice. I wasn't sure how to turn off my brain. Thankfully, I lived with an expert.
[Sheldon knocks on the garage door. Georgie opens it]
George Jr.: What's up?
[inside:]
George Jr.: I've never really thought about not thinking before.
Sheldon: Well, I'm asking you to think about it.
George Jr.: But I thought you were interested in not thinking.
Sheldon: I am. I want you to think about not thinking, and then teach me how to do it.
George Jr.: Do what?
Sheldon: Not think.
George Jr.: All right. [silence] This is tough. I'm good at not thinking, but I don't think I can teach you how to not think without thinking.
Sheldon: Hmm, well, thank you for trying.

Sheldon: Another fun footwear slogan is "I'm Buster Brown. I live in a shoe. That's my dog Tige. Look for him there, too."
George Sr.: Mm, I think mine is more helpful.
Sheldon: Well, mine rhymes, so...

Adult Sheldon: It was turning out to be the perfect Saturday. The ice cream man had extra napkins. I had tons of homework. And I was about to enjoy an orange sherbet Push-Up, which was the only kind of Push-Up I could actually finish. Then it all came crashing down.

Sheldon: Anything you can do to help me win a decisive victory come Election Day would be much appreciated.
Mr. Givens: Oh, well, I'm sorry, Sheldon, the faculty doesn't get involved in student elections.
Sheldon: Oh, I understand. You have to remain neutral. Wink, wink.
Mr. Givens: I'm sorry, wink, wink?
Sheldon: You want new science equipment and I want that for you. One hand washes the other. Wink, wink.
Mr. Givens: Oh, sure, wink, wink.
Sheldon: Now you're getting it. Wink, wink.
Mr. Givens: Wink, wink.
Sheldon: Wink, wink.
Mr. Givens: That kid creeps me out.

Sheldon: That's brilliant. Mm. Now, how is it that you can't count?

George Sr.: Hey. [Sheldon groans] What's your problem?
Sheldon: I don't want to talk about it.
George Sr.: Great.
Sheldon: I had a mental block on a test and it was something that I absolutely know how to do.
George Sr.: Oh, you know, that sort of thing happens in sports, too.
Sheldon: I know. It's called the yips, and it's a very silly name for a very serious problem.
George Sr.: Well, you know, the best thing to do is get out of your head.
Sheldon: How do I do that?
George Sr.: Just turn your brain off.
Sheldon: It's like I'm not even your son.

Missy: How can you remember this stupid information, but not the stuff on your test?
Sheldon: You tell me, they're your yips.
Missy: Sheldon, if I knew how to make it stop, I would tell you.
Sheldon: You better.
Missy: Maybe it's puberty making you all emotional.
Sheldon: I checked my armpits... Smooth as balloons. [Missy groans]

Mary: Shelly, you want ice cream?
Missy: Ice cream!
Sheldon: All right.
Mary: Here you go. And no runnin'.
Sheldon: In these loafers? Not a chance.
Mary: I was jokin'.
Sheldon: Okay.

[After Georgie boxes up his dirty magazines and takes them to the garage]
Sheldon: What's in there?
George Jr.: Don't open it.
Sheldon: But what's in there?
George Jr.: Don't open it.

Mary: You see Sheldon?
Missy: [points ]That way.
George Sr.: What's going on?
Mary: He's having some sort of panic attack.
Missy: [chuckles] Oh, man. My story just keeps getting better.

George Jr.: Be the Danza. Be the Zanda.

George Jr.: Here, let me show you around.
Veronica: Oh. O-Okay.
George Jr.: Of course you remember the living room, where we have our prayer group. And this is the dining room. That's where we'll dine. But in the mornings, we dine in the kitchen.
Of course, if you'd like a snack, that'd be in the refrigerator or the pantry. You know, where your snack foods would be.
Veronica: Sure.
George Jr.: Washer, dryer. Plus, we got those little sheets that smell nice and fight static cling. And here's our entertainment room.
Veronica: Hey, guys.
Missy: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
George Jr.: We don't have cable, but we do have all three major broadcast networks. Here's the bathroom, for hygiene and whatnot. And here's where you'll be sleeping.
Veronica: Did I take your room?
George Jr.: Yes, but I'll be on the couch. Which is right near the TV and the kitchen, so I'm peachy.