Mary: Should you really be reading in the car, baby?
Sheldon: I'll be fine.
Mary: You sure? You're not the one who'll have to clean up the oatmeal back there.
Sheldon: I said I'll be fine. And it's the blueberries you should be worried about.
Mary: Well, you're in a mood.
Sheldon: Maybe because there was so much bickering going on at home that I couldn't study.
Mary: Oh, I'm sorry if our family problems are getting in the way of your schoolwork.
Sheldon: I accept your apology. [vomits]
Mary: Oh...
Sheldon: Yep, blueberries.

Sheldon: I did read a chapter on repressing emotions. I suppose I could've been doing that to avoid dealing with the fear of change, and moving would certainly be a big change.
Meemaw: That's very astute.
Sheldon: I'd have a new room, in a new house, and the new house would probably have a different smell, and I probably wouldn't like that smell because I don't like new smells, and I'd be going to a new school with new kids and new teachers, and I bet they'd all smell different, as well.
Meemaw: Okay, now calm down.
Sheldon: That's easy for you to say. Your olfactory senses aren't about to be assaulted by the state of Oklahoma.

George Jr.: See, number one is also pretty funny, 'cause it means taking a leak. [Mary sighs]

George Jr.: How do relationships work for old people? When you were young, you didn't think old women looked hot. But now that you're old, do you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's a very interesting question.
Mary: Can I speak to you in the kitchen?
George Sr.: I want to hear the answer.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've always found your grandmother to be very hot stuff.
George Sr.: All right, let's go.
George Jr.: But you can see her wrinkles, right?

George Sr.: Georgie, we need to talk.
George Jr.: What now?
George Sr.: You're of an age where your body has urges.
George Jr.: Oh, my God!
Meemaw: Georgie, you need to hear this.
George Jr.: From both of you?
George Sr.: W-Well, who do you want to hear it from?
George Jr.: No one. But if I got to pick, I guess you.
Meemaw: Good choice. Don't forget to tell him about venereal disease.

Meemaw: Thank you so much, Ira. I really needed this.
Ira Rosenbloom: You're welcome.
Meemaw: We should do it again. What's your Friday night look like?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, no, Friday's no good 'cause we're doing inventory at the store.
Meemaw: Oh, okay. Well, how about the weekend?
Ira Rosenbloom: No, no, no, that's not good for me, either.
Meemaw: Are you blowing me off?
Ira Rosenbloom: Is it that obvious?
Meemaw: Well, I don't understand why. I mean, I-I thought we had a nice time.
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, we did. But you're still hung up on John, and I don't want to have my heart broken again, so I'm gonna respectfully pass.
Meemaw: Unbelievable.
Ira Rosenbloom: I know. It turns out I do have a shred of dignity. [chuckles] I'm as surprised as you are.
Meemaw: [chuckles] I'm not having a good week.

Meemaw: So, enough about me. What's been going on in your life?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, boy. Well, after you and I broke up, I took the opportunity to work on myself. Started playing tennis again. Uh, I-I bought a telescope, which is pretty cool because you-you got to see the Moon all big and things. And, uh, I-I tried Vietnamese food for the first time, which did not go well. Oh, very spicy. You wouldn't believe the heartburn. Not enough Tums in the world.

Mary: No tongue. Oh, there it is.
Missy: Where are they going in such a hurry?
Sheldon: Probably to unwrap their presents.
Meemaw: Something's getting unwrapped.
Sheldon: Told you.

Mary: Thank you, Lord, for this little boy.
Sheldon: I knew I could fix it.
Mary: [LAUGHS] Maybe it was you and the Lord.
Adult Sheldon: I don't like sharing credit, but I knew in that moment it wasn't the appropriate time to say it.

Pastor Jeff:And Jacob said: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
Sheldon: Is this an appropriate time to mention that John 1:18 says, "No man hath seen God at any time." Who's right? Jacob or John?
Mary: Let's talk about it in the car.
[Meemaw raises her hand]
Pastor Jeff: Yes, Connie?
Meemaw: My grandson has a question. Let 'er rip, kid.

Sheldon: "If you were not covered by a retirement plan, but your spouse was, see the worksheet on page 14." Try and stop me.

Mary: I've been buying groceries for the church food drive. I think that's it.
Sheldon: Ooh, I bet I could write that off, including the gas it took to drive to the grocery store and then to the church.
George Sr.: With all that driving, maybe she can count her car as a home office.
Sheldon: Sounds aggressive, but I like how you're thinking.

Sheldon: I balanced the rest of the account, and it appears to be a check for $300.
George Sr.: All right, well, let's just put it down for $300 for miscellaneous.
Sheldon: I've never labeled anything miscellaneous in my life.

George Sr.: What do you say we keep this quiet?
Sheldon: You mean like a secret?
George Sr.: No, no, just, you know, something between you and me.
Sheldon: What about Mom?
George Sr.: Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
Sheldon: What if Mom needs to know?
George Sr.: Okay, it's a secret. Just trust me. It is better for everyone if she doesn't know about this.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping secrets.
George Sr.: It's not hard. Just keep your mouth shut.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut.

Pastor Jeff: So, shall we get to the business at hand?
Mary: Obviously, we're... mortified by Missy's behavior.
George Sr.: Even though it sounds like that punk had it coming.
Pastor Jeff: While his words were out of line, it brings us to the bigger issue, which is... people are talking about Georgie.
George Sr.: Bunch of holy rollers with no lives.

Adult Sheldon: There was only so much food I could eat, so I started avoiding my mother whenever possible.
George Sr.: [OPENING A CUPBOARD AND FINDING SHELDON] What are you doing in there?
Sheldon: [WHISPERING] Keeping your secret.
George Sr.: You got to pull it together.
Sheldon: This is me pulling it together.
George Sr.: Pull harder.

Adult Sheldon: Avoiding my mother in our own house was proving to be difficult, so it was time to get creative.
Sheldon: Hello. I'd like to book a room in your hotel. I'd be arriving tonight. No, it's just me. Ooh, a queen bed, that sounds fancy. And how much would this room cost? Wow. Is that per month? Per day? By any chance, do you have a children's rate?

George Sr.: So your first sleepover. Pretty exciting, huh?
Sheldon: No. It's not exciting, it's constipating, and I'm only doing it to avoid Mom.

Trang Nguyen: Hello.
George Sr.: Hi. You must be Mrs ... Tam's mom. I'm Sheldon's dad, George Cooper.
Trang Nguyen: Nice to meet you.
George Sr.: Thanks for letting him spend the night. It's his first sleepover. He's excited.
Sheldon: Actually, I'm quite apprehens-
George Sr.: He's really looking forward to it.

Sheldon: And then, at exactly nine o'clock, he locked the doors and wouldn't let any latecomers in.
Mary: That seems a little harsh.
Sheldon: He's so intolerant. It's fantastic. He also wears a bow tie, and instead of using my name, he gave me a number.
Mary: I don't think I like that, either.
Sheldon: No, it's great. It's like we're robots. And guess what my number is.
George Jr.: Number two? [Missy snickers]
Sheldon: No, number one, like Riker on Star Trek. But number two is also good. Like the pencil.