Adult Sheldon: Transcendentalists were philosophers who believed that our deepest connection is with nature.
Sheldon: Eh.

Adult Sheldon: Altruism is the belief that we should live only by bringing happiness to others.
[Sheldon lays down a plate of crackers in front of Missy]
Sheldon: These are for you.
Missy: Thanks.
[Sheldon takes the plate and walks away]
Missy: What the hell?!
Adult Sheldon: Egoism is the belief that we should live only by bringing happiness to ourselves.
Sheldon: [eats] Mmm. These are pretty good.

Adult Sheldon: Nihilists believe that there's no point to anything, because it all ends in nothingness.
Missy: Mind if I put on MTV?
Sheldon: Doesn't matter. We're all gonna die anyway.
Missy: Deep thought, dingus.

Adult Sheldon: Renaissance humanism is finding meaning in the human form through art.
Billy Sparks: Can I move?
Sheldon: No.
Billy Sparks: But my butt itches.
Sheldon: Scratch it on your own time.

Sheldon: It's funny. This morning, I couldn't get out of bed, and now I stand before a whole new exciting field of study.
Meemaw: Well, maybe instead of making this big switch, you could study both. You could be physics-philosophy guy.
Sheldon: You sound like a logical positivist. That's a branch of philosophy that maintains the best way to philosophize is through science.
Meemaw: Well, there you go. Do that.
Sheldon: It may be too early to specialize. I've only been a philosopher for 15 minutes.
Meemaw: Did you notice Dr. Linkletter didn't look too thrilled about you leaving science?
Sheldon: He never looks thrilled about anything. I think that's just his face. [Meemaw turns to look at Sheldon] That's the face.

Dr. Linkletter: Although tasty, a brick of cheese is not a number. Why are we still talking about this?
Sheldon: Maybe we're not talking at all.
Dr. Linkletter: Okay, that's enough for today.
Sheldon: Not your best lecture.

Dr. Linkletter: So, according to de Broglie, lambda equals "h" divided by "m" times what? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: Is it velocity?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. Now...
Sheldon: Or is it a velociraptor?
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Perhaps lambda equals "h" divided by "m" times a velociraptor. Or a velveteen rabbit. Ooh, or Velveeta. That's the cheese my mom puts on broccoli when she's being fancy.
Dr. Linkletter: Is this from your philosophy class or perhaps that Ren & Stumpy I've heard about?
Sheldon: Philosophy.
Dr. Linkletter: Mr. Cooper, do you really believe that de Broglie's equation contains Velveeta cheese?
Sheldon: I don't know. Maybe he was just trying to be fancy.

Meemaw: What's this philosophy teacher's name?
Sheldon: Professor Ericson. Why?
Meemaw: I might pop in and say hello.
Sheldon: Be careful. She may make you question your most deeply held values.
Meemaw: I'm a stubborn old crank. I'll do just fine.
Sheldon: I'm a stubborn young crank, and it didn't help me.

George Sr.: All right, what's the problem here?
Sheldon: I don't know what's real.
George Sr.: That's a fun thing to think about on the way to school. Get up and get dressed.
Sheldon: Maybe I'm already dressed. Maybe I'm wearing a zoot suit and spats. That's a shoe covering that's short for "spatterdasher." Or is it? There's no way to know.
George Sr.: Here's what I know: I don't have time for this nonsense.
Sheldon: What is time? What is sense? What is "is"?
George Sr.: Sheldon, I mean it.
Sheldon: I remember when things meant things.
George Sr.: All right, I'm gonna count to three. One...
Sheldon: Believing in numbers... That takes me back.
George Sr.: Two...
Sheldon: To be or not to be. Shakespeare was onto something.
George Sr.: It's your last chance.
Sheldon: Have you ever wondered if you're the tongue of a multidimensional being trying to taste something you can never even understand? I have.

Professor Ericson: [to Sheldon] Hey. How come you didn't want to get out of bed this morning?
Sheldon: If I can't know what's real, what's the point?
Professor Ericson: You have the right words. You're just saying them wrong. It's not, [shrugs] "What's the point?" It's, "What's the point?"
Sheldon: I don't understand.
Professor Ericson: Asking these questions is exciting. It's what gets me out of bed.
Sheldon: That's interesting. Richard Feynman did say the greatest joy in life is the pleasure of finding things out.
Meemaw: Feynman... He's the physics guy, right?
Dr. Linkletter: [quietly] Yes. And your perfume is beguiling.
Sheldon: It's all making sense to me now. Thank you.
Professor Ericson: I am happy to help.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I'm dropping your class and switching my major to philosophy.
Dr. Linkletter: Uh, what?

Sheldon: "The statement on the other side of this sign is true."
[Sheldon flips over the sign to read "The statement on the other side of the sign is false."]
Sheldon: Ugh. [knocks]

Sheldon: She displayed complete contempt for science. She claimed that knowledge was a myth, and then she told the class they could take their shoes off. Some of them did.
Dr. Linkletter: Luckily we've established you're a mature young man capable of figuring this out on his own, so, go get 'em, sport.
Sheldon: But as a man of science, aren't you offended by this?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, this is a college campus. You come across all sorts. Anarchists, communists, vegans. There's a fella in the religion department that believes God is two women, and their names are Wendy and Claire.
Sheldon: But to say nobody actually knows anything, how could she know that? It's a contradiction.
Dr. Linkletter: How about I blow some bubbles out of a bear's head and we call it a day?
Sheldon: I don't know how I'm going to last all semester with this free wheeling hippy.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I don't know what to tell you. If you're that unhappy, just drop the class.
Sheldon: Of course. Drop the class. This is college. I can do that.
Dr. Linkletter:There you go.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Dr. Linkletter: You're welcome.
Sheldon: From now on, I'm coming to you with all my problems.

Professor Ericson: Very well, Mr. Cooper, how do you know you're not just dreaming butterflies can't dream?
Sheldon: Because I'm awake.
Professor Ericson: Or are you dreaming you're awake?
Sheldon: You can see I'm awake and you can hear me talking.
Professor Ericson: Yeah... I don't know. I saw some pretty trippy stuff at a Grateful Dead concert. The drummer turned into a tap-dancing walrus and floated away. So we can't really trust our senses, can we?
Sheldon: We can validate them by comparing them with other observers.
Professor Ericson: Mm, but that would mean we have to hear what they say, which requires... trusting our senses. Do you see a problem with your argument, Mr. Cooper?
Sheldon: I could concentrate better if you weren't flashing your toes at me.

Professor Ericson: The Chinese philosopher Chuang Tzu believed it was possible he didn't really know anything because he might just be a butterfly dreaming that he was a philosopher. [Sheldon raises his hand] Yeah.
Sheldon: He wasn't a butterfly.
Professor Ericson: Well, how do you know?
Sheldon: The butterfly brain doesn't contain enough neurons to generate a complex dream. Plus, you referred to him as Chinese philosopher Chuang Tzu, and not Chinese butterfly Chuang Tzu.
Professor Ericson: You must be Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Yes, ma'am.

Pastor Jeff: Since everyone is going back to school tomorrow, let's finish up with a back-to-school prayer. [Sheldon raises his hand] What?
Sheldon: Does this prayer just apply to middle school, or is it appropriate for the college-bound?
Pastor Jeff: It's for everyone. But thank you once again for reminding us you're starting college.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't mind. You've got a lot on your plate.
Pastor Jeff: Just pray.

Sheldon: Normally I don't like facial hair, but Spock makes it work.

Sheldon: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, it's Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: I'm watching Star Trek: The Original Series.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry, I'm not up on my cartoons.
Sheldon: It's not a cartoon. It's a live-action science fiction show. Although there is one called Star Trek: The Animated Series.
Dr. Linkletter: I believe you. I was wondering if I can speak with your mommy.
Sheldon: Sure. Hold on. [shouts] Mom, Dr. Linkletter's on the phone. [on the phone] While we wait, here's a fun fact. In the animated series, Kukulkan was played by James Doohan.
Mary: [on the line] Hello?
Sheldon: James Doohan played Scotty on Star Trek: The Original Series.
Mary: Sheldon, I've got it.
Sheldon: He tried several accents before settling on Scottish.
Mary: Sheldon, hang up.
Sheldon: Okay. He felt the Scots were excellent engineers. Bye.

Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon. How wonderfully early it is to see you. If you've come by for a snack, I picked you up some crackers shaped like fish.
Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that I don't need you to babysit me. I'm perfectly self-reliant.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent. I'm not very comfortable around children, even with your level of maturity. How old are you? Six? Seven?
Sheldon: Eleven.
Dr. Linkletter: I see. Then it's good I kept the receipt for this bottle of bubbles shaped like a bear.
Sheldon: I should get going. My philosophy class starts in a few minutes.
Dr. Linkletter: Ah, yes, the great thinkers. Socrates, Plato. Speaking of which, I got you some Play-Doh.

Professor Ericson: Mr. Cooper, welcome. How can I help you?
Sheldon: I would like to drop your class.
Professor Ericson: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I enjoyed our discussion about skepticism. And butterflies.
Sheldon: I'm a scientist, and I don't find those types of questions worth my time. And butterflies are just worms that can chase you.
Professor Ericson: [laughs] The questions of philosophy are extremely challenging. People have spent 2,000-plus years trying to solve them without success. So if you feel like giving up, I don't blame you.
Sheldon: I'm not giving up. I'm saying they're not important.
Professor Ericson: Okay, so what is important?
Sheldon: The acquisition of factual knowledge.
Professor Ericson: And how do you know if something is factual?
Sheldon: You test it and see if it holds true.
Professor Ericson: And how do you know that that's factual?
Sheldon: ... You're doing it again.
Professor Ericson: Maybe you're dreaming I'm doing it.

Meemaw: How was your first day?
Sheldon: Infuriating.
[cut to:]
Mary: How was your first day?
Missy: So good.
[cut to:]
George Sr.: How was your first day? [Georgie is wearing headphones]