Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: [wakes up] What is it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I know you had some questions about Star Trek, so I've compiled a detailed guide outlining all the shows, characters, and how they fit in a timeline.
Mary: Can we do this later? I've got a headache.
Sheldon: Unfortunately not. If we don't do it now, you'll be completely lost when we watch The Animated Series this afternoon.
Mary: Just 20 more minutes.
Sheldon: Mom, this is almost a hundred pages. We have to get started. In the 23rd century, alien races from around the galaxy have come together to form the United Federation of Planets, which is... open your eyes... Headquartered in San Francisco.

Sheldon: Since when is it Pancake Sunday?
Mary: Since today.
Sheldon: No, it's not. It's Kellogg's Bran Buds Sunday, like it's been for the past three years.
Mary: Well, I thought it would be fun. I'll- I'll make you any kind of pancake you want.
Sheldon: On Bran Buds Sunday?
Mary: Fine. I'll put Bran Buds in the pancakes.
Sheldon: That could work.
[cut to Mary watching Sheldon eat at the kitchen table:]
Sheldon: [mouth full] It doesn't work. [spits out food]

Dale: [sighs] All right, well, let's break it down. If you don't go on the date, Mandy might be upset with you.
George Jr.: Right.
Dale: But if you do go, you might feel guilty.
George Jr.: Right, but if I don't go, the new girl's gonna get stood up, and she'll be mad.
Dale: Georgie, you can't live your life afraid that women are gonna get mad at you. It's just what they're born to do.
George Jr.: Makes sense.
Dale: I'm not a woman. I'm mad at you right now.

Mandy: What are you watching?
Meemaw: The crap-I-don't-need channel.

Mary: That sounds fun.
Brenda Sparks: Does it? ... Would you... [sighs] want to join us?
Mary: Oh, well... so long as I'm not butting in.
Brenda Sparks: Well, I have to warn you, it's kind of a salty group. I don't want you to be shocked.
Mary: You've met my mother.
Brenda Sparks: That's true.

Mary: Oh, hey. I didn't know you were working tonight.
Brenda Sparks: I'm not. Just meeting some friends.
Mary: Oh, that's nice.
Brenda Sparks: Yep.
Mary: Oh, so, I was just getting off work myself.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. Have a good one.
Mary: Well, uh, so, friends from high school, or...?
Brenda Sparks: More like a bunch of gals that used to be married, used to be in Weight Watchers, and now just come here to drink and bitch about their lives.

Mandy: He's on a date.
Meemaw: Why, that little...
Mandy: No, it's okay. I told him to.
Meemaw: Why the hell would you do that?
Mandy: Why are you yelling at me?
Meemaw: Because you got me all riled up, and I got to point it somewhere.
Mandy: Look... [sighs] I have enough going on here without worrying about being in some relationship. Plus, Georgie deserves to have a life.
Meemaw: So y'all are good, and I don't have to be mad at anybody?
Mandy: Right.
Meemaw: Huh. I'm gonna go call Dale and pick a fight.

Mary: You watching your Star Trek show?
Sheldon: I am.
Mary: Mind if I join?
Sheldon: Not at all. But I must warn you, it's addictive. [TV plays]
Mary: Is that one Mr. Spock?
Sheldon: No, there's no Mr. Spock. This is Deep Space Nine, not TOS.
Mary: Sorry, I thought this was Star Trek.
Sheldon: It is Star Trek. It's Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. And this is the first episode, so I'm trying to pay attention.
Mary: Sorry. [theme music plays on TV] Is that it? Is it over?
Sheldon: Well, that's just part one. There's a whole 'nother hour.
Mary: Oh.

George Jr.: So here's the deal. There was a cute girl flirting with me at the video store, and Mandy saw us.
George Sr.: Got it. And now Mandy's mad at you.
George Jr.: Actually I'm kind of mad at her.
George Sr.: Why?
George Jr.: She told me I should ask her out.
George Sr.: The cute girl?
George Jr.: I mean, I know Mandy and I ain't together, but I thought I was wearing her down.
George Sr.: You do have that effect on people.

George Jr.: Hey. You said if I ever had a problem, I could come to you, right?
George Sr.: Yeah, of course.
George Jr.: Not to mention, you got all bent out of shape when I asked Dale for advice instead of you.
George Sr.: I didn't get all bent out of shape.
George Jr.: That ain't what Dale said.
George Sr.: You want my advice or what?

Missy: You need to leave.
Mary: Why?
Missy: 'Cause you're embarrassing me.
Mary: [scoffs] Everyone knows you have a mother.
Missy: Please.
Mary: Fine, if you don't want me here, I'll go.
Missy: I promise I'll do anything you want this weekend.
Mary: Okay.
Missy: Just not here or near anyone I know.
Mary: [flatly] Can't wait.
Missy: Love you, bye.

Mary: Oh. I didn't realize my mom had company.
Dale: Yeah. Uh, do I have to pretend I didn't spend the night here, or...? I don't know how this works.
Mary: It's fine, uh... you could've said nothing, but now I know.
Dale: Yeah. What's with the pancakes?
Mary: Oh, I made extra, so I was just bringing 'em by.
Meemaw: [o.s.] Who's at the door?
Dale: It's Mary! She knows I slept with you. Come on in.

Mary: Hey, Missy, you awake? [knocks] It's Pancake Sunday.
Missy: [opens door] What's that?
Mary: Well, it's a fun new thing I thought we could... Where are you going?
Missy: I told you. Six Flags with Jamie's family.
Mary: Oh. Well, I could make you pancakes first.
Missy: Pancakes and roller coasters? Do you want me to barf?
Mary: Well, no.

Mandy: Georgie, it's fine. You can flirt with other girls.
George Jr.: It doesn't feel like I should.
Mandy: Well, we're not a couple.
George Jr.: I know, but we're having a baby together. That ain't nothing.
Mandy: All I'm saying is, you're not tied down.
George Jr.: Don't I get a vote in that?
Mandy: Yeah, you get a vote. But we get two votes. You're not tied down.

Dale: I was trying to convince your mom to go fishing with me.
Mary: Oh, fishing, that could be fun.
Meemaw: I ain't going fishing. I'd go to a flea market.
Mary: Oh, I do love a flea market.
Dale: Eh, I don't want to buy some dead guy's pants.
Mary: Oh, the outlet malls are still having their holiday sales.
Dale: I'd rather die and have you sell my pants at the flea market.

Mandy: It was one time.
George Jr.: It was more than one time.
Mandy: It was one night, and it was a mistake.
George Jr.: Oh, really? Then maybe I should go out with that girl.
Mandy: Maybe you should.
George Jr.: Fine. And maybe you should go out with someone, too.
Mandy: Right, because there's nothing men want more than a girl with a baby pushing against her bladder.
George Jr.: You want me to pull over at that Wendy's? Their restroom's pretty nice.
Mandy: Yes, I do.

Mary: Hey, you're home. How was golf?
George Sr.: Fun. Wayne hit a duck. [Mary doesn't laugh] Yeah, maybe you had to be there.

Mary: Actually... [sighs] without church, Sundays are feeling kind of empty.
George Sr.: Aw. Hey, next Sunday we'll do something.
Mary: It's not just Sundays. I had Bible study, prayer group. I had a whole community.
George Sr.: So, find a new one. You- You just got to get involved. You know, make some friends.
Mary: You make it sound so easy.
George Sr.: Oh, come on. Sheldon has got school friends. How hard could it be?

George Sr.: What's all this?
Mary: Well... I thought that we could have a new family tradition: Pancake Sundays. I got all the fixings. You can pick what you want. We got chocolate chips, blueberries.
George Sr.: I wish I'd known, honey. I made an early tee time with Wayne.
Mary: What? Well, wouldn't you rather spend the day with your family?
George Sr.: Of course. [stammers] He's going through a divorce, you know. He needs this.
Mary: I guess, sure.
George Sr.: How about this? I'll take some bacon for the road.
Mary: Why don't you bring some for Wayne, too?
George Sr.: Good idea. Can I take the plate?
Mary: Go ahead.

Mary: Well, I'm sure we can come up with something else.
Meemaw: Well, hang on. When did we become a threesome?
Mary: You don't want to hang out with me?
Meemaw: Well, I do, but he's not crazy about you.
Dale: Well, that's not true.
Meemaw: Well, then, it looks like you got a fishing buddy.
Mary: I don't really want to go fishing.
Dale: Boy, that was a close one.

Amber: But my dream car is a Mustang.
George Jr.: Oh, really? I used to have one.
Amber: And you traded it in for this? Why?
George Jr.: Well-well... ...I had my reasons.
Amber: Oh, you wanted to look like a soccer mom?
George Jr.: No. It's- It's good for hauling stuff.
Amber: Ah, and they were all sold out of trucks?
George Jr.: No, I just needed...
Amber: Something big to carry your purse?

George Jr.: You know that girl at the video store?
Amber: The giant, pregnant one?
George Jr.: Yeah. [looks at Amber]
Amber: No.
George Jr.: Yeah.
Amber: So, you two are...
George Jr.: No. We're having a baby, but we're not together. In fact, she's the one who told me I should ask you out.
Amber: Well, that's not weird.
George Jr.: Really?
Amber: No, it's weird.

Amber: You got any other recommendations?
George Jr.: Well, there-there is a Mexican restaurant down the street that's pretty good.
Amber: I do like Mexican food.
George Jr.: Hmm, we should go there sometime.
Amber: I'm free tomorrow.
George Jr.: Cool. It's a date! Sorry. That was a little loud. I'm just excited. For our date!

Amber: Since we're being so honest, I should tell you... I didn't really think Pauly Shore was funny.
George Jr.: What?
Amber: Yeah. I just said it 'cause I wanted to talk to you again.
George Jr.: [smiles] So, I didn't scare you off?
Amber: Look, it's strange, but I've got stuff, too.
George Jr.: Like what?
Amber: Well, I can't believe I'm saying this on a first date, but I'm going through a divorce.
George Jr.: Huh. I'm sorry. How long were you married?
Amber: A year.
George Jr.: Ooh, a whole year. Sounds like you really gave it a try. [Amber laughs] Do you still have feelings for him?
Amber: Do you still have feelings for her?
George Jr.: Mm, I asked you first.
Amber: It's complicated.
George Jr.: Boy, is it. I went to two full-grown men for advice. Neither of 'em had a clue.

Helen: All right, Mary, you're up.
Mary: Oh, no. I don't have any good stories.
Jill: Oh, come on, you're married. You're the only one of us getting any.
Brenda Sparks: Really? That's what we're talking about? Married people sex?
Mary: Well, George and I have been... connecting more lately.
Jill & Helen: Ooh!
Jill: Details. Now.
Mary: No, no, no, I can't.

Helen: Oh, come on. It's bad enough this one's got her secret boyfriend she won't tell us about.
Mary: [gasps] Brenda Sparks. How do I not know this?
Brenda Sparks: First of all, I'm not Brenda Sparks anymore.
Jill: Oh, don't go changing the subject.
Brenda Sparks: And... there's no one.
Helen: She's lying. There's some guy that she was sweet on, but she won't give us any info.
Jill: [whispers] I think he's married.
Helen: Mm-hmm. [Mary gasps]
Brenda Sparks: He's not.
Helen: Oh, interesting. I thought there was no one.
Jill & Helen: Ooh...!

Amber: Excuse me. Do you have a recommendation?
George Jr.: Well, you can never go wrong with John Candy. But, and this is just one man's opinion, Pauly Shore is a comedy god.
Amber: Really?
George Jr.: You may pee your pants. And if you do, there's a Laundromat right next door.
Amber: [laughs] Well, I will watch this and let you know.

Meemaw: Second thoughts?
Mandy: [sighs] I mean, if it wasn't for the baby, I never would've seen him again.
Meemaw: But there is a baby.
Mandy: Yeah. And he's been so great. And I keep pushing him away and pushing him away, and... he's still there every time I need him. What the hell am I doing, sending him off with another woman?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Mandy: No, I'm asking you.
Meemaw: Oh, um, all right.
Mandy: Well?!
Meemaw: Give me a minute.

Mary: I did what you said and I made some new friends.
George Sr.: Well, good for you. Who?
Mary: Brenda, Jill, and, ooh, either Helen or Ellen, but I missed my window to make sure. [laughs]
George Sr.: Sounds fun.
Mary: It was. Oh... [gasps] and get this, I got dirt.
George Sr.: Ooh, what kind of dirt?
Mary: Brenda has a secret man that she is hiding from everybody. [chuckles]
George Sr.: Really?
Mary: And he might be married.
George Sr.: [chuckling] Really? Well, who do you think it is?
Mary: Oh, I don't know, but me and the gals are gonna find out. [George chuckles]

George Sr.: What the hell, Brenda?
Brenda Sparks: What the hell, what?
George Sr.: Your friends all know about your "secret boyfriend"?
Brenda Sparks: You think that's you?
George Sr.: Well... it's not?
Brenda Sparks: No, George.
George Sr.: Well, who is it?
Brenda Sparks: I didn't tell them. I'm not gonna tell you.
George Sr.: Okay.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, God. Are you upset that there might be another guy in the picture?
George Sr.: No.
Brenda Sparks: Good. Go home to your wife.
George Sr.: I will.
Brenda Sparks: Okay. [George exits] [chickens clucking] Shut up.