[Sheldon performs the splits and Mr. Lundy jumps on to a chair]
Sheldon: That looked dangerous.
Mr. Lundy: No, that looks dangerous.

Mary: I will not have innocent children walk through this house on Halloween and see a half-naked woman.
Mr. Lundy: A half-naked woman chock-full of syphilis.
Both: What?
Mr. Lundy: It's pretend syphilis.

Adult Sheldon: Mr. Lundy was undeterred. He sought out new investors and new talent to bring cowboy aerobics to life.
Mr. Lundy: You've got the look. [chuckles] You've got the physique. If-if we could secure a star of your caliber, it would really put us on the map.
David Hasselhoff: I do look good in a cowboy hat.
Mr. Lundy: You look good in everything. [chuckles] Come on, Mr. Hasselhoff.
David Hasselhoff: Call me The Hoff.
Mr. Lundy: [chuckles] Okay, The Hoff. So, what do you say?
David Hasselhoff: Well, I've conquered television, music. I don't see why I couldn't add exercise videos to my empire.
Mr. Lundy: So you'll do it?
David Hasselhoff: You got The Hoff!
Mr. Lundy: Hot damn! I got The Hoff! [both laugh] By-by any chance, do you know what size chaps you wear?
David Hasselhoff: Oh. I got my own.
Mr. Lundy: Of course you do.

Meemaw: Excuse me. We need to talk.
Mr. Lundy: Can it wait? I'm trying to turn your grandson here into the Richard Simmons of the Wild West.
Meemaw: No, it can't. I took a look at this contract you sent over.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, well, that's just boilerplate legalese. I wouldn't even read that.
Meemaw: Too late. I couldn't help but notice you're taking 80% of the profits.
George Jr.: Eighty percent?
Mr. Lundy: Well, in case no one has noticed, I'm doing most of the work here.
George Jr.: But it was all my idea.
Mr. Lundy: Your idea was lifting weights in some dingy garage. Cowboy aerobics was hatched in this egg right here.
George Jr.: But it's my face.
Meemaw: Any my money.
Mr. Lundy: And my apologies, but 20% is all you're getting.
Meemaw: Unbelievable.
Mr. Lundy: Excuse me. I've done all the choreography. I designed the sets. I-I made the costumes by hand. You think you can find sequined chaps in a mall? No, you cannot. And they give you quite the look when you ask.

Mr. Lundy: I'm sorry, are-are we galloping, or are we doing double Dutch? You got to get your hips into it, all right? Yeah, you get your rope, you get your hip. We can gallop up, we can gallop back. We're lassoing and galloping around the corral.

George Jr.: So, when are we gonna shoot this thing?
Mr. Lundy: Slow down, now. We've got to plan out. You know, costumes, choreography, music. Let's start with the set. Now, I was thinking... an Oklahoma theme. Hay bales, saloon door, maybe a surrey with a fringe on top.
George Jr.: A what with a what?
Mr. Lundy: Oh, you know. [sings] ♪ Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry ♪ ♪ When I take you out in my surrey ♪ ♪ When I take you out ♪ ♪ In my surrey with the fringe... ♪ [talks] Okay, forget Oklahoma.
George Jr.: Done.

Sheldon: Excuse me, Mr. Lundy. I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Mr. Lundy: Oh. What's going on?
Sheldon: My mother has forbidden me from helping you sell the house.
Mr. Lundy: [dramatically] That... is beyond bad news. I don't think I can do this alone.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. It's not me.
Mr. Lundy: No, I know it's not. Just enjoyed being in the trenches with you.
Sheldon: As did I.
Mr. Lundy: All right, Sheldon, I... I guess I'll see you in the halls.
Sheldon: Again, I'm sorry.
Mr. Lundy: Me, too. [Sheldon exits] And scene.

Jeremy: [dramatically] Don't say that. Never... say that. Goonies... never say die.
Mr. Lundy: Well done. Very moving. And speaking of moving, if any of your parents are in the market for a two-bedroom, two-bath ranch-style with a updated kitchen, have them give me a call. All right, very good. How about next week we try some monologues from actual theater? Just a thought.

Mr. Lundy: So you see, the sin of greed. Very wealthy man, a beautiful house, swimming pool, several German cars, and a young wife who worshipped him.
Mary: Excuse me, Mr. Satan.
Mr. Lundy: What?
Mary: You kind of left out how greed is the root of all evil, and how it corrupts the soul.
Mr. Lundy: It's in there. It's called subtext.

Mr. Lundy: I was God's chosen angel. I was his favorite. We used to go camping together. But then, because I wanted to have a little bit of fun, I was cast from heaven. Tonight, you will bear witness to that fun. You will decide whether it is sinful or just another Saturday night. [LAUGHS] Come with me if you dare. [THUNDER RUMBLES] Just watch your step right over here, 'cause there's some electrical wires.

Mr. Lundy: Mary, I am a trained theater professional. Why don't you just let me do what I do, while you, you know, go home and make a nice tuna casserole.

Mr. Lundy: All righty then. Show me what you got.
Mary: What do you mean?
Mr. Lundy: Your sales technique. Let's go. Come on. I'm an Eskimo. Sell me some ice.
Mary: Really? Right now?
Mr. Lundy: If you can't sell to me, and I'm already Team Mary, how are you gonna sell to a stranger?

Mary: So, what do you think?
Mr. Lundy: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Spiderwebs.
Mary: What?
Mr. Lundy: We're gonna need some spiderwebs and I think maybe some fire effects on the left and right side of the portal.
Mary: Portal?
Mr. Lundy: Portal to hell.
Mary: [CHUCKLING] Sure, sure.

Mr. Lundy: Um, have you considered a narrator, you know, um, like, a tour guide kind of thing?
Mary: Oh, that's interesting. But who would that be?
Mr. Lundy: Well, I'd have to think the big man himself.
Mary: God?
Mr. Lundy: Satan.
Mary: Oh! That's spooky. And he's trying to lure people toward sin.
Mr. Lundy: Exactly.
Mary: That's a pretty big role. I wonder who could do it.
Mr. Lundy: Huh. Well, it would have to be someone with enough range to convey sincerity and charm, all the while, hiding a dark and corrupt soul!
Mary: Good golly. If you were just a little taller, you'd be perfect.
Mr. Lundy: I have lifts.

Mary: Okay. Um... Hi.
Mr. Lundy: Let me stop you right there.
Mary: What did I do wrong?
Mr. Lundy: [sighs] It's your face.
Mary: What's wrong with my face?
Mr. Lundy: It's your number one sales tool. Y-You should be advertising the product, and you're not wearing any.
Mary: Yes, I am.
Mr. Lundy: Where?
Mary: I think the best makeup is the kind that no one notices.
Mr. Lundy: Right now, you're what no one notices. This is your billboard, and I'm... [sputters] ...driving right on by.
Mary: I suppose I could put on a little more.

Mary: Thank you again for letting me come by to pick your brain.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, please. Anything for the church.
Mary: Are you a religious man?
Mr. Lundy: I'm an actor. I'm whatever you need me to be.

Mr. Lundy: Now, remember, next week, we start our work on Streetcar Named Desire. So please prepare a monologue for either Blanche or Stanley. Usually, the girls do Blanche and the boys do Stanley, but no judgment. You follow your heart.

Sheldon: Hello. Are you Mr. Lundy?
Mr. Lundy: My father is Mr. Lundy.
Sheldon: Well, then what should I call you?
Mr. Lundy: I guess Mr. Lundy. My father's dead.

Mary: As I told you on the phone, I have been tasked with mounting this year's Halloween production.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, is that a haunted house kind of deal?
Mary: Yes, but with the goal of bringing people to God.
Mr. Lundy: I do know something about that. When I played Puck in Midsummer, the Tulsa Herald called my performance heavenly.
Mary: Wow! Good for you.
Mr. Lundy: Thank you, thank you.

Mary: So, where do I go from here? I've kind of talked to everybody I know.
Mr. Lundy: Mm. Well, new faces are the lifeblood of our business.
Mary: How do I find new faces?
Mr. Lundy: Don't you run a Bible study?
Mary: Uh, I don't know that I'd be comfortable trying to make sales in a religious setting.
Mr. Lundy: Mary, if God didn't want people to wear makeup, he'd have made 'em less ugly.
Mary: Well, that's one way to look at it.
Mr. Lundy: Mm-hmm. And you have a daughter, right?
Mary: Well, she's not even a teenager yet.
Mr. Lundy: This is when it starts. Would you rather her borrowing makeup from friends, passing it back and forth?
Mary: She has stolen it from my bag.
Mr. Lundy: See? Forget about a pink Caddy. Now we're talking pink eye. Which, if she does catch it, a little waterproof eyeliner, you'd never know.