Meemaw: So you're saying we should just give in, after what that holy-rolling Muppet has done to your whole family?
Mandy: He does look like a Muppet.

George Jr.: Dang, it's busy in here for a weekday.
Meemaw: Social Security checks landed.
George Jr.: Hm. Getting paid just to be old... must be nice.
Meemaw: I ain't complaining.

Mary: Shelly, this is for your future. We're just trying to make sure that you're taken care of.
Sheldon: I don't care about money.
Mary: Well, someday you might when you have your own wife and kids.
Sheldon: I don't see that happening.
Missy: No one sees that happening. And I say that with love.

Mrs. Howard: I can't believe you would rent this filth.
Mandy: It's not filth. It's Basic Instinct.
Mrs. Howard: Well, my husband was watching it and there was a woman in there who showed her hoo-ha.
George Jr.: Yeah, she does.
Mandy: Come on, I mean, you don't see the whole thing. At most, you see a "hoo."
George Jr.: If you see the "hoo," the "ha's" right there.

George Sr.: So, we were talking to the lawyer...
Missy: Here comes the divorce.
Mary: We are not getting divorced.
Missy: Then why do we have a lawyer?
George Sr.: Sheldon invented something that the university's interested in and it could be worth some money.
Missy: You always were my favorite brother.
Sheldon: This morning you licked your finger and put it in my ear.
Missy: That means I like you.

Meemaw: [on the phone] I'd like to order five more copies of Basic Instinct and a couple more of Fatal Attraction. Is there anything else?
Mandy: Ooh, uh, get a Last Temptation of Christ. That'll really piss people off.
Meemaw: And a copy of The Last Temptation of Christ to really piss people off. Thank you.

Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, thank you for coming in. I want to apologize for our little tiff earlier.
Sheldon: You're forgiven.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh. Great. I found something that might be of interest to you. An authentic signature from Richard Feynman.
Sheldon: Where did you get this?
Dr. Linkletter: Details aren't important.
Sheldon: Is this a restraining order?
Dr. Linkletter: Not important.
Sheldon: That's actually a really good way to get autographs. I'll have to keep that in mind.

George Jr.: What are y'all doing?
Meemaw: Well, I tried to be nice but he kept pushing.
Mandy: Yeah, so now we're pushing back.
George Jr.: Why do you care?
Meemaw: Because I don't like anybody telling me how to run my business, especially him.
George Jr.: This is not your business. That room back there with the shady piles of money... That's your business. Your secret, illegal business.
Mandy: So, what, are we just supposed to become a Christian video store now?
George Jr.: You know what? In this town, I...
Meemaw: No! I am not gonna let that man win.

Pastor Jeff: [o.s.] Thank you for saying no to sin!
Mandy: Oh, you got to be kidding me. [walks outside] What are you doing?
Pastor Jeff: We're just asking people to sign our petition if they agree that sin has no place in cinema.
Mandy: Huh. Clever.
Pastor Jeff: Thanks.
Mrs. Howard: And God doesn't want us seeing people's private parts.
Mandy: Didn't he make people's private parts?
Pastor Jeff: He did, and then he made clothes to cover 'em right up.
Mandy: You are scaring away my customers.
Pastor Jeff: You know what's scarier? Hell.
Mandy: Look, you can't just sit here in front of my store.
Mrs. Howard: Freedom of speech. We're allowed.
Mandy: And we're allowed to rent whatever movies we want. People can choose for themselves.
Pastor Jeff: They sure can. If you love God and hate the devil, sign here. [woman signs petition] Where is your halo? 'Cause you are an angel. [chuckles]
Meemaw: Let's just see what the people think about this. [sprays fire extinguisher]
Mandy: Yeah.

Adult Sheldon: People say French is the language of love, but for me, nothing is sweeter than the exhilarating sounds of legalese. Ooh, la, la. The same could not be said for my parents.
George Sr.: Uh... And which one are we? "The- The party of the first part" or "the party of the second part"?
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] The first part, but either way, it's a party.

George Jr.: All I'm saying is we need to remember where the real money's coming from. If we want it to keep coming, you got to back off.
Meemaw: Okay, fine. I'll behave. When did you start to be the responsible one?
George Jr.: Hey, I don't like it, either.

President Hagemeyer: Ah, just the young genius I was hoping to see. Look, I've heard from your parents' lawyer, and I'm a little concerned that this whole thing is getting out of hand.
Sheldon: How so?
President Hagemeyer: Well, you know, lawyers get involved and everything slows down and, well, I'm just worried that someone else might come up with the same idea in the meantime.
Sheldon: I didn't think of that. We should get started.
President Hagemeyer: I agree, but, well, we can't get started until the paperwork is signed. Ugh! Those darn lawyers.
Sheldon: Well, how can we fix this?
President Hagemeyer: Hmm. Well, I guess if you could, well, convince your parents to sign, then we could get rolling. And to make it worth your while, how about we put your name on one of these buildings? How would you feel about "Sheldon Cooper Science Center"?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Did you say, "Sheldon Cooper Science Center," or "Sheldon Cooper's Science Center"?
President Hagemeyer: Well, which do you like?
Sheldon: I prefer the possessive. It makes it much more mine.
President Hagemeyer: Then "Sheldon Cooper's Science Center" it is. [chuckles] So, do we have a deal?
Sheldon: Okay.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent. Now get out of here before I pinch those cheeks.

Pastor Jeff: I will remind you my wife is a police officer.
Meemaw: I've just come with a little peace offering. My last copy of Basic Instinct. So there you go. [pulls tape] No more naked ladies, no more Michael Douglas' bare butt giving me impure thoughts. The town is safe again.
Pastor Jeff: Well, thank you for seeing reason.
Meemaw: Well, what kind of good Christian woman would I be if I didn't? So, we square?
Pastor Jeff: It's not about you and me being square, Connie. It's about you and El Jefe Grande.
Meemaw: Mm-hmm. Well, goodbye.
Pastor Jeff: You know, I'd be happy to come down and let you know what other movies are objectionable so we don't have another situation on our hands.
Meemaw: You want to take more movies out of my store?
Pastor Jeff: Again, not me, but there's a guy with a thumb a lot bigger than Siskel or Ebert's.

Dr. Linkletter: Well, it's yours, from one scientist to another, and that's my point, really. You and I... we need to stick together.
Sheldon: Why?
Dr. Linkletter: Because this university is filled with people who want to exploit our ideas.
Sheldon: That's not my experience. President Hagemeyer just offered me my own building.
Dr. Linkletter: You're being manipulated, you don't even know it. Sheldon, I've seen this a thousand times. A brilliant young mind like yours taken advantage of.
Sheldon: But isn't that what you're trying to do?
Dr. Linkletter: Absolutely not. President Hagemeyer's was a bribe. That is a gift from one peer to another. So what do you say? Are you a scientist or are you a pawn of the administration?
Sheldon: A scientist.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes, you are. [chuckles] So, we have a deal?
Sheldon: Okay.

George Jr.: Have you two lost your minds? We do not need this kind of attention.
Mandy: Attention's good.
Meemaw: Like, free advertising.
George Jr.: We're running an illegal gambling room in the back.
Meemaw: Oh, that'll be fine.
George Jr.: For you. If we get arrested, y'all go to lady jail. I have to go to scary jail. I'm too pretty for scary jail.
Mandy: No more prison movies for you.

George Sr.: Sheldon, this is important to all of us. Uh, you got to think about your family.
Mary: Shelly, he's right.
Sheldon: Did you put extra hot dogs in this spaghetti?
Mary: I did.
Sheldon: Okay, I'll talk with the lawyer.
Missy: [whispers to Mary] You're good.

Nelson: Don't you have Die Hard?
Mandy: Not anymore.
Nelson: Why?
Meemaw: It had that bad word in it.
Nelson: What?
Meemaw: "Yippee-ki-yay," etcetera.
Nelson: This store sucks.
Mandy: We know.
Meemaw: Maybe you'd like The Singing Nun.
Nelson: Nope.

Meemaw: Has anybody ever rented The Singing Nun?
Mandy: [types] Just Pastor Jeff.
Meemaw: That figures. Wait a minute. You can see all the movies that Pastor Jeff ever rented?
Mandy: You can see any movie everyone's rented.
Meemaw: Well, let's just see if he's as pious as he pretends to be.
Mandy: Let's find out. [grunts] Jesus Christ Superstar, Jesus of Nazareth, The Blood of Jesus.
Meemaw: Good Lord. How many Jesus movies are there?

Pastor Jeff: Hey there, Connie. What brings you by?
Meemaw: I just wanted to drop off a little gift.
Pastor Jeff: Dirty Dancing? I think you know how I feel about this movie.
Meemaw: I do. I also know how your wife feels about it.
Pastor Jeff: What?
Meemaw: She's rented it five times. That's a lot of shirtless Patrick Swayze.
Pastor Jeff: Must be some mistake.
Meemaw: There isn't. Shall we talk about Fatal Attraction?
Pastor Jeff: Do we have to?
Meemaw: Six times.

Pastor Jeff: Are you blackmailing me?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Pastor Jeff: Well, it's not gonna work. I'm a man of principles and I stand by them.
Meemaw: And I respect that. So let's talk about what your church elders are renting.
Pastor Jeff: [scoffs] Oh, come on.
Meemaw: Want to know?
Pastor Jeff: Is it bad?
Meemaw: It's Porky's bad. [Pastor Jeff squeals] How your principles feeling now?
Adult Sheldon: I'm going to end this story so you don't have to see a grown man beg for mercy.
Pastor Jeff: Connie, please.

George Sr.: So, you really think this invention of Sheldon's could be worth something?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, who knows? Uh, most of the time, these things don't pan out. Could be something, probably nothing. Uh, that's just a formality.
Sheldon: But you said my grant database would make the university "boatloads of money."
President Hagemeyer: Well, that doesn't mean anything. Boats can be small. Ever hear of a canoe? Anyway, who needs a pen?

Mary: What's this about the university owning 90% and Sheldon only owning ten?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, that's just standard boilerplate.
Sheldon: Did you know that boilerplate originally referred to the roll of steel used as a template to create steam boilers, but then was adapted to the legal profession to describe the way companies use fine print to get around the law?
President Hagemeyer: Ugh, that fact is just so fun. You see? It is a party. And what's a party without Yoo-hoo? Can I get you a cold one?
Sheldon: Yes, please.
Mary: No.

Pastor Jeff: I'm just here to give you a heads-up. People are upset and I'd hate to see your business suffer.
Meemaw: Are you threatening me?
Pastor Jeff: No, uh, I'm sorry. Uh, let me just take off my pastor hat, put on my neighbor cap, and start again.
Meemaw: I'm gonna put on my hat, too. It's got a big foam finger on top of it. Guess which one.
Pastor Jeff: The naughty one?
Meemaw: Bingo. [closes door]

Pastor Jeff: I was hoping we could chat about your video store.
Meemaw: What about it?
Pastor Jeff: I'm just so glad it's in the hands of a good Christian woman.
Meemaw: Where you headed here, padre?
Pastor Jeff: [clears throat] Well, some of my flock have concerns about the movies y'all rent. You know, the ones with the sexual content and whatnot.
Meemaw: If they don't want to see whatnot, then they shouldn't rent whatnot.
Pastor Jeff: I hear you. God gave us free will. But you're renting temptation. And you know who tempts us? The devil.
Meemaw: So, that's who's making me want to slam this door in your face.

Mary: We want to make sure that Sheldon is being treated fairly.
George Sr.: Yeah, maybe we should get our own lawyer to take a look at this before we sign anything.
Mary: Can we afford a lawyer?
[George and Mary look to Sheldon, who shakes his head]
George Sr.: Okay, w- we're gonna need some time to get back to you.
President Hagemeyer: Of course. You take all the time you need. You know, just because of all the nice things we've done for your son and for your family, no need to start trusting us now.
Sheldon: She took that better than I thought.

Dr. Linkletter: President Hagemeyer, a word.
President Hagemeyer: Here's a word: Out.
Dr. Linkletter: I understand you're moving forward with Sheldon's grant database. I was an intrinsic part of that.
President Hagemeyer: Hm, Sheldon didn't mention you.
Dr. Linkletter: Of course he didn't, that pint-sized little credit hog.

George Jr.: We have family entertainment as well. Sound of Music. No one shows nothing. [Mrs. Howard storms out]
Mandy: Three times, really?
George Jr.: I'm 17.

Dr. Linkletter: Do you remember when we came up with the idea for that grant database?
Sheldon: I remember when I came up with the idea.
Dr. Linkletter: Uh, in my office.
Sheldon: In my brain.
Dr. Linkletter: Which was in my office. And, as I recall, I was the one who suggested you build a database.
Sheldon: No, you suggested I build a comic book database.
Dr. Linkletter: Which was the underlying idea.
Sheldon: Fire is the underlying idea for the nuclear power plant, and no one credits the caveman.
Dr. Linkletter: Son, and I call you son because I think of you as family. [Sheldon smiles] Is this the way you would treat your own family?
Sheldon: Not my mom. Everyone else is on their own.

George Jr.: How's it going? Figure everything out?
Mandy: People give me money, I give them movies. I think I got it.
George Jr.: Smart, pregnant, you're the whole package.

Meemaw: Listen, this cash box is full. Take some of this up and stick it in the register in the video store.
George Jr.: You got it.
Meemaw: And don't be flirting with Mandy. I need help back here.
George Jr.: Okay, but she might flirt with me. This shirt really brings out my eyes.

Mrs. Howard: I don't know why you'd carry something like this.
Mandy: People like it.
George Jr.: I've seen it three times.
Mrs. Howard: Do you really want to bring your baby into a world where this is considered entertainment?
Mandy: Lady, why don't you let me worry about my baby and, uh, you worry about what your husband's watching.
George Jr.: Easy, she's still a customer.
Mrs. Howard: Not anymore. And I'm gonna tell my prayer group not to come here either.
Mandy: [scoffs] Okay, you do that.

President Hagemeyer: Speaking of which, can I get you a beer? Y- You're a Lone Star man, right?
George Sr.: Matter of fact, I am.
Mary: George.
George Sr.: She offered. I don't want to be rude.
Mary: It's 11:00 a.m.
President Hagemeyer: Well, you just let me know. We'll get you anything you want.
Mary: We're fine, thank you.

Mary: So... why don't you take a little time and figure out what's gonna make you happy?
Sheldon: I will. Okay, I did.
Mary: Oh. All right. Well, what did you decide?
Sheldon: I'm cutting everybody out and doing this myself.
Mary: What?
Sheldon: I don't need the university and I don't need Dr. Linkletter.
Mary: How are you gonna pay for all this?
Sheldon: I'll find private investors. They can pay for it on the condition I'm left alone.
Mary: Are you sure you don't want to think about this a little more?
Sheldon: Perhaps you're right. Done. I'm good.
Mary: Where you going?
Sheldon: My dorm. I have some calls to make. Love you. [exits]
Mary: Love you, too.

Dr. Linkletter: I'm telling you, I can do it on my own.

President Hagemeyer: It really doesn't make any difference because Sheldon agrees that this is in the best interest of everyone.
George Sr.: You said that?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: Hold on. Sheldon told me-
Nelson: Grant. [Dr. Linkletter whispers in Nelson's ear] Sheldon informed my client that their interests were aligned.
Mary: You told him that?
Sheldon: Yes.
Jerry: You told me he was on our side. Didn't you tell them that?
Sheldon: Yes.
President Hagemeyer: Which is it, Sheldon?
Dr. Linkletter: Yeah, Sheldon. Whose side are you on?
Mary: Shelly?
Sheldon: I don't know, and I don't care. I just want to build the database. Why can't this just be about the science? W-Why are you making it all about the money? This was supposed to be exciting, and you're ruining it.

Dr. Linkletter: Sorry we're late.
President Hagemeyer: What are you doing here? And who's he?
Jerry: I'm his cousin.
Dr. Linkletter: And lawyer.
President Hagemeyer: Really, Grant?
Dr. Linkletter: Yeah, really.
Jerry: Let me talk for you. Yeah, really.

Kimberly: Hi. I'm with Channel 7 news.
Meemaw: Can I help you?
Kimberly: A local pastor has put together a petition of citizens concerned about the vulgar content of your video store. Would you care to comment?
Meemaw: Damn straight I would. I want him to know...
George Jr.: Give me. Give me.
Meemaw: No, give me that. I want...
George Jr.: I can assure you there's nothing immoral or indecent going on here.

President Hagemeyer: All right, just hold on. This is good for the university. This isn't about everybody getting a piece of the pie.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, really? In that contract, does she get a piece of the pie?
Ken: Uh...
President Hagemeyer: Don't answer that, attorney-client whatever.
Ken: Uh, technically my services are paid for by the uni...
President Hagemeyer: Shut up, Ken.

Dr. Linkletter: Linda, be reasonable.
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] I am. After all the Sheldon I've put up with, I deserve this.
Dr. Linkletter: You deserve this? My office is basically his clubhouse.
President Hagemeyer: Okay, I tell you what I'll do. If Sheldon's okay with it, you're welcome to part of his cut.
Dr. Linkletter: That's not you doing anything.

George Sr.: Mr. Vance, thank you for taking the time to see us.
Leslie: Oh, no problem. You know, I don't ordinarily handle intellectual property contracts, I'm more of a slip-and-fall guy.
Mary: I have seen your face on those park bench ads.
Leslie: [chuckles] Oh, you fall in the park, this is the first thing you see.

George Sr.: So, as I said on the phone, our son invented something that his university's interested in, but we feel they might be trying to keep the lion's share for themselves.
Leslie: You really think it's gonna be worth something?
George Sr.: Well, university seems to think so. They want 90% of it.
Leslie: Oh, is that so? What's the invention?
Mary: We don't really understand it. [sighs]
George Sr.: Oh, you know, it's a computer... thing.
Leslie: Ah, adding machine and carbon paper got me this far.
Mary: Mm.

George Sr.: What... What am I smelling?
Leslie: Beef and broccoli. Chinese place downstairs.
George Sr.: Ooh, do they have good chop suey? I can never find good...
Mary: George.
George Sr.: You were saying?