Mary: If you're not in the mood for conversation, maybe there's something else I could do for you.
Mr. Gilford: Haven't had a sponge bath in a while.
Mary: Does Pastor Jeff give you a sponge bath?
Mr. Gilford: Sure does.
Mary: Mr. Gilford.
Mr. Gilford: No.

Mary: Here, let me get that. And, uh, while I'm cleaning up, I could also tackle some of, um-
Mr. Gilford: Don't touch anything! I like it the way it is.
Mary: Could I at least open a window, get you some fresh air?
Mr. Gilford: It's not necessary. I've got some right here.

Mary: Mind if I make some room to sit?
Mr. Gilford: You're staying?
Mary: Yes, I'm staying. I'm here to keep you company.
Mr. Gilford: Why? So you'll look like some kind of Good Samaritan?
Mary: Because God calls on us to serve our fellow man. Romans 12:13, "Share with the Lord's people who are"-
Mr. Gilford: What are you doing?
Mary: Quoting scripture.
Mr. Gilford: Well, I don't want to hear that.
Mary: You don't want to hear the Bible?
Mr. Gilford: Not from some woman.
Mary: Excuse me?
Mr. Gilford: Where have you been? Women don't preach in our church.
Mary: Well, I'm not in our church, I'm in your living room, which is, by the way, disgusting.

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you, Bonnie. You see that? I made a joke about it.
Meemaw: Never do it again.
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, ma'am.

Sheldon: Thank you for asking. I appreciate it. And how are you doing?
Ms. Hutchins: Since when are you interested?
Sheldon: My father told me I should be kind to old people.
Ms. Hutchins: How old do you think I am?
Sheldon: My father also told me if a woman ever asks you that, it's a trap.
Ms. Hutchins: Smart man.
Sheldon: But I'll say 53.

Paramedic: You a relative?
Mary: No.
Paramedic: Friend?
Mary: I was trying.

Pastor Jeff: Okay, before we finish up, I'd like to call up Mary Cooper, who has a few words she'd like to say.
Mary: Thank you, Pastor Jeff. As some of you might know, we lost a member of our congregation. James Gilford passed away earlier this week. If that name isn't familiar to you, don't feel bad, it wasn't to me either. But in the last few days, I've gotten to learn a little bit about him. He was married to his wife, Meredith, for over 45 years, he was a lieutenant in the Army, and, forgive him for this, a big fan of the Dallas Cowboys. [LAUGHTER] But even if you didn't know him, I hope that you'll still join me in celebrating his life this Wednesday at the American Legion. Thank you.

Mary: Oh, um, and if there's anyone who's able to help me clean out his house, please let me know.
Elliot: Ooh, you know I love to tackle clutter. We'll do it!
Mary: Oh, thank you.