Pastor Jeff: The Walker couple is coming in for counseling.
Mary: If you rescheduled, I'm sure they'd understand.
Pastor Jeff: Hey, what if you did it?
Mary: Marriage counseling? Don't you need some sort of training for that?
Pastor Jeff: Nah, you just listen, uh, give 'em a couple prayers, send 'em on their way.

Mary: You wanted to see me, Pastor?
Pastor Jeff: Cop a squat. Uh, please, have a seat. I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done preparing for the carnival.
Mary: Anything for the church.
Pastor Jeff: I'm so glad you said that. How would you feel if... we put Sheldon in the dunk tank?
Mary: What? No.
Peg: Aw.
Pastor Jeff: But imagine how much people would pay to dunk him. We'd raise so much money.
Peg: I'm in for $20, easy.
Mary: I'm not having people throw baseballs at my son.
Pastor Jeff: They throw them at a target. He's in a cage.
Mary: No!
Peg: Boo.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. I respect your decision.
Mary: Is that all?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Peg: Well, damn.
Pastor Jeff: [to the heavens] I do so much for you.

Pastor Jeff: [answering phone] Hello?
Missy: I lied to you. I wasn't watching TV. I was playing with a Ouija board.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, who is this?
Missy: Missy Cooper, and I'm going to hell.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, Missy, you're- You're not gonna go to hell.
Missy: Yes, I am. God knows what I did. He sees everything.
Pastor Jeff: You're right. God does see everything. But He also just saw you be a good Christian and tell the truth. So I promise, your soul is safe.
Missy: You're sure?
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: If you're lying, you're going to hell, too.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: [sighs] Thank you.

Mary: Well, if it's everywhere, how can we fight it?
Pastor Jeff: We may not be able to control the world, but we can control our homes. It's up to us to create an environment where the sin of greed can find no purchase.
Mary: Is that what you've done in your home?
Pastor Jeff: Well, I do make my toast vertically, two slices at a time. Take that, Satan.

Adult Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis was a wise man. It was a learning opportunity. And when the day comes that I'm wrong, I fully plan to admit it.

Ms. Hutchins: Sheldon, why aren't you in second period?
Sheldon: I'm working on this math problem.
Ms. Hutchins: I think you might be the first person in history who's ever cut class to do math.
Sheldon: The irony wasn't lost on me.

Sheldon: Thank you for asking. I appreciate it. And how are you doing?
Ms. Hutchins: Since when are you interested?
Sheldon: My father told me I should be kind to old people.
Ms. Hutchins: How old do you think I am?
Sheldon: My father also told me if a woman ever asks you that, it's a trap.
Ms. Hutchins: Smart man.
Sheldon: But I'll say 53.