Pastor Jeff: Here's the payroll checks.
Mary: Thank you.
Pastor Jeff: If you need anything else, I'll be in my office, which is next door. Sorry it's so close.

Mary: I owe you an apology. I was worried about us working together and then living next door to each other, but I like you and Robin very much, and if you want to look into that house, we would be lucky to have you as neighbors.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you. That's nice to hear.
Mary: I mean it.
Pastor Jeff: Good, 'cause Robin already looked at it, loved it, put up police tape so no one else could get in. [chuckling]
Mary: Okay.

Meemaw: So what-what-what's his name?
Missy: Marcus Adam Larson, he's 11 and a half, he has blond hair, his favorite color's green and he's learning how to skateboard, but he's not very good yet.
Meemaw: Okay, well, I have to ask, now... at your age, having a boyfriend, what does that mean? Do you, uh... go out on dates?
Missy: No.
Meemaw: Um... well, d-do you hold hands?
Missy: I wish, but no.
Meemaw: So how do you know he's your boyfriend?
Missy: Because this happened. [hands Meemaw a "check yes or no" paper]
Meemaw: Wow. I didn't realize you had documentation.
Missy: I know.

Mary: Shelly, you want ice cream?
Missy: Ice cream!
Sheldon: All right.
Mary: Here you go. And no runnin'.
Sheldon: In these loafers? Not a chance.
Mary: I was jokin'.
Sheldon: Okay.

Adult Sheldon: It was turning out to be the perfect Saturday. The ice cream man had extra napkins. I had tons of homework. And I was about to enjoy an orange sherbet Push-Up, which was the only kind of Push-Up I could actually finish. Then it all came crashing down.

Sheldon: Something suspicious is happening next door.
George: Like what?
Sheldon: Groups of strangers keep coming and going. They must be using the house to sell drugs.
George: No one's selling drugs, they're just havin' an open house.
Sheldon: What's that?
George: They open up the house so people interested in buyin' it can take a look.
Sheldon: That explains why 911 hung up on me.

Adult Sheldon: I had no choice but to determine if any of these prospective home buyers would be suitable neighbors. This shifty fellow?
Sheldon: He looks like trouble.
Adult Sheldon: That woman and whatever dark secret is hiding in her bag?
Sheldon: Probably a machete.
Adult Sheldon: Oh, this lady seems promising.
[fantasy scene of Sheldon laying awake at night as a baby cries]
Sheldon: Not on my watch.

Sheldon: Ooh, listen to this: "A seller or seller's agent must disclose if a homicide has occurred on the property."
Tam: Why is that helpful?
Sheldon: That could scare off any unwanted buyers.
Tam: Has there ever been a murder next door?
Sheldon: I sure hope so.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, Officer Robin. This is Sheldon Cooper.
Officer Robin: What's wrong, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I was wondering if anyone was murdered in the house next door to mine.
Officer Robin: You mean murdered today?
Sheldon: No, ever, but today would work, too.
Officer Robin: It'll take me a while to check.
Sheldon: That's fine, I can hold. [to Tam] Tell Mr. Givens I may be a little late to class. It's a police matter.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Yes, I'm still here.
Officer Robin: Sorry, no murders. Just one death from natural causes in 1948.
Sheldon: How can we be sure it wasn't foul play?
Officer Robin: The man was 96 years old, Sheldon.
Sheldon: That's a lot of years to make enemies.
Officer Robin: Bye. [line clicks, dial tone sounds]

Sheldon: Mr. Lundy. Oh, what now? What happened with the open house after you had me kicked out? Were there any potential buyers? And if so, can I have their names so I can run a background check with my friends in blue?

Ms. Hutchins: Oh, I can't afford a house, but I'm flattered you'd want me next door.
Sheldon: Of course I would. You don't have enough friends to throw a party.
Ms. Hutchins: Yeah, well... Neither-neither do you!

Ms. Ingram: I'm sorry, why would I want to live next door to you?
Sheldon: Ask Mr. Givens. Apparently, I'm hilarious.

Principal Petersen: I would love to, Sheldon, but there's a district rule that says a principal can't live next door to a student.
Sheldon: That makes sense.
Principal Petersen: Does it? Good.

Mary: Sheldon, you need to stop involving yourself in this. You upset Mr. Lundy, and you were rude to the people at the open house.
George: And he was bugging his teachers at school all day.
Sheldon: But Mr. Lundy said I could help him.
Mary: I don't care. Even Pastor Jeff is talking about buying that house now.
Sheldon: That could work out. His wife's a police officer, so built-in security. And whenever I have a theological zinger, I can call it right over the fence.