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319 - A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Aired Thursday, April 2, 2020
: A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

When the house next door is put up for sale, Sheldon decides to take matters into his own hands and find a suitable neighbor. Meanwhile, Missy is worried when she has to pitch against her boyfriend at a baseball game.

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Episode Notes

  • Title Reference: "A House for Sale" refers to the house next door, and "Serious Woman Stuff" refers to Missy's description of her problem when she visits Meemaw.
  • Opening Credits Sequence: Sheldon is dressed as The Flash as a cow approaches the family.

Quotes

Mary: Mr. Lundy? Come in. What brings you here?
Mr. Lundy: I'm the listing agent on the house next door.
Mary: But I thought you were a teacher and a...
Mr. Lundy: And an actor, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to get your son out of my open house.
Mary: Why, what's he doin'?
Mr. Lundy: Well...
[flashback montage:]
Sheldon: I noticed there's hair on your coat. Clearly yours is falling out, but do you also have pets?
Sheldon: I detect a hint of garlic. Do you enjoy cooking stinky foods or are you afraid of vampires?
Sheldon: Is there any chance you're just fat?
[present:]
Mary: Oh, dear, I'll go get him.
Mr. Lundy: Thank you. Kind of a dump. But I could sell it.

Sheldon: There's no telling who could buy that house! What if they have dogs? What if they have birds? What if they have both and the birds learned to bark like dogs?
Mary: Sheldon, you're gettin' yourself all worked up.
Sheldon: For good reason... that house is six feet away from my bedroom window. Who knows what kind of smells could jump the gap? Uh, cigarette smoke, a scented candle, a durian?
Mary: What's a durian?
Sheldon: A vile-smelling fruit of the genus Durio.
Mary: When did you smell that?
Sheldon: I haven't, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Mary: It might be nice. It might be a family with kids your age.
Sheldon: I already live with a kid my age... not a fan!

Sheldon: And then after you buy the house, you rent it out to people who are pre-approved by me.
George Sr.: I can't afford a second house.
Sheldon: Georgie, you make as much money as Dad. Why don't you buy it?
George Sr.: He does not make as much money as me.
George Jr.: No. But I don't have to spend mine on stupid stuff like food and kids.
George Sr.: Mary, where's dinner?
Sheldon: So, is that a yes to buying the house?
George Jr.: Sorry. When I move out, it ain't gonna be 20 feet away, and it's gotta have a hot tub.

Tam: Why are you reading about property code?
Sheldon: The house next door to mine is for sale, and I'm looking for ways to control who moves in there.
Tam: When my family moved to Texas, they burned our fishing boat.
Sheldon: Tam, we're talking about my problems right now.
Tam: We usually are.

Mary: Shelly, you want ice cream?
Missy: Ice cream!
Sheldon: All right.
Mary: Here you go. And no runnin'.
Sheldon: In these loafers? Not a chance.
Mary: I was jokin'.
Sheldon: Okay.

Featured Music

  • House
    Spin Doctors

    House As Sheldon quizzes potential buyers at the open house.

  • New Sensation
    INXS

    New Sensation As Missy and Marcus hold hands, and she then runs all the way home to tell Meemaw.

Episode Trivia

  • What flavor of Push-Up Sherbet did Sheldon get?
    • Cherry
    • Lime
    • Orange
    • Raspberry

Episode Recap

As Sheldon and Missy watch TV, she hears the tune of a nearby ice cream truck. After an excited Missy asks her mother if she can get an ice cream, Mary says yes. After Missy collects her money and rushes outside, Mary asks Sheldon if he wants an ice cream. With much less enthusiasm, Sheldon agrees. Adult Sheldon says it was turning out to be a perfect Saturday: the ice cream guy had extra napkins, he had tons of homework, and he was about to enjoy an Orange Push-up Sherbet. Then it all came crashing down as he noticed a For Sale sign on the house next door.

Back inside, Sheldon tells Mary there’s no telling who could buy that house. Sheldon is worried they might have dogs or birds. The house is only six feet from his bedroom window, so he’s worried about smells that might drift in: cigarette smoke, a scented candle, even the smelly Durian fruit. When Mary says it might be nice and the new owners could be a family with kids his age, Sheldon points out he lives with a kid his age and he’s not a fan.

When Missy goes over to Meemaw’s house to talk about “serious woman stuff”, Meemaw wonders whether it’s an iced tea situation or a hot tea situation. Definitely hot tea, Missy says. In Meemaw’s kitchen, Missy explains she thinks she has a boyfriend. Meemaw wonders what having a boyfriend at Missy’s age entails. Do they go out on dates? No. Hold hands? No. Meemaw wonders how she knows she’s got a boyfriend. Missy hands her grandmother a “check yes or no” piece of paper, which has the question “Will you be my girlfriend?” and the “Yes” box ticked. 

Sheldon is looking out the front window as a number of cars are parked on the street and people head into the house next door. Sheldon goes to his father to say something suspicious is happening next door. Sheldon is worried people are using the house to sell drugs, but George explains it’s an open house for prospective buyers. Sheldon figures that explains why 911 hung up on him.

Adult Sheldon explains he had no choice but to go vet the potential buyers. When he walks into the open house, he looks to see if any of these people would be suitable neighbors. Not the shifty fellow, or the woman with a suspicious bag, and definitely not the pregnant woman. When Sheldon goes to see if there’s anyone in charge there, Mr. Lundy, the drama teacher, turns around. He’s a realtor now, in addition to being a teacher and an actor. After Sheldon says he’s worried about who might end up living next to him, Mr. Lundy assures him he will personally make sure that his new neighbor is whoever forks over the most money.

Back in Meemaw’s kitchen, she tries to understand Missy’s problem. If Marcus wants to be her boyfriend and she wants to be his girlfriend, what’s the issue? Missy explains he also plays baseball and this weekend she has to pitch against him. Missy admits she doesn’t want to strike him out because he might break up with her. Missy’s struck out a bunch of boys before and they all got real mad. Missy was considering throwing bad to protect him. Meemaw tells her to go out there and do her best, he might respect her for it.

When the doorbell rings, Mary answers the door to Mr. Lundy, who wants her to get Sheldon out of the open house. After Mary asks what he’s doing, Mr. Lundy explains Sheldon has been barraging potential buyers with questions. He asked one guy with hair on his jacket whether, in addition to losing his hair, he also has pets. He told one woman she smells of garlic and questioned whether she likes cooking smelly foods or is afraid of vampires. He asked the pregnant woman if there was any chance she’s just fat. Mary vows to go get Sheldon.

As they eat lunch in the school library, Tam asks Sheldon why he’s reading about the property code. Sheldon explains he’s looking for ways to control who buys the house. Tam mentions that when his family moved to Texas, people burned their fishing boat. Sheldon reminds Tam they’re talking about his problems right now. When Sheldon reads that buyers must be alerted to homicides that have happened at a house, he’s hopeful that would scare off any buyers.

Sheldon uses the phone in the school library to call Officer Robin and ask her to check whether there have been any homicides. Sheldon tells Tam to tell Mr. Givens he’ll be late for class, and it’s a police matter. Mr. Givens is happy and doesn’t care about the reason. Back on the phone, Officer Robin tells Sheldon there have been no homicides, just one death in 1948. Sheldon wonders how she can be so sure it wasn’t foul play, but Officer Robin points out the man was 96. Sheldon argues that’s a lot of time to make enemies.

As Meemaw and Dale talk over lunch in his office, she brings up the baseball game Saturday. After Meemaw asks him how he feels about not pitching Missy, Dale wonders why he would do that. Meemaw explains Missy has got a crush on a boy on the other team. Dale doesn’t care, says she’s gonna do her job. When Meemaw points out Missy is an eleven-year-old with big feelings, Dale says he’s an old man with no feelings. Meemaw tries to flatter Dale, saying she always thought under that tough exterior was a shred of compassion. Dale says he knows what she’s doing, using her feminine wiles to get her way. When Meemaw calls him smart and handsome, Dale says she forgot tall.

After one of Mr. Lundy’s students gives a monologue from The Goonies, he describes it as very moving. Speaking of moving, he tells his students if any of their parents are looking for a two-bedroom, two-bath ranch style with an updated kitchen, they should give him a call. After the class is dismissed, Sheldon goes to ask Mr. Lundy what happened at the open house after he had him kicked out.He wants the names of any potential buyers so he can run background checks with his friends in blue. Mr. Lundy warns Sheldon that if he thinks he’s going to stop him selling this house he’s wrong. Sheldon warns Mr. Lundy he doesn’t want him as an enemy. After Mr. Lundy suggests Sheldon go out and find a buyer he would consider acceptable, Sheldon wonders whether Stephen Hawking would be interested in Texas. It is very flat, after all.

Sheldon begins a tour of the school in search of potential buyer: Ms. Hutchins says she can’t afford it, but she’s happy Sheldon wants her to live next door. Sheldon says it’s because she doesn’t have enough friends to throw a party. Mr. Givens is stunned that Sheldon thinks after seeing him at school every day that he would want to look out his window and see him at home. Sheldon doesn’t pick up on the sarcasm and embraces Mr. Givens suggestion they could carpool together. When Ms. Ingram wonders why she would want to live next door to Sheldon, Sheldon tells her to ask Mr. Givens, as apparently he’s hilarious. Ms. MacElroy colorfully describes how she would rather stick her finger in a pencil sharpener. Principal Petersen explains that there’s a district rule that a principal can’t live next door to a student, which Sheldon thinks makes sense.

At the church, Pastor Jeff tells Mary that Robin mentioned that the house next door to them is for sale. Jeff says he wasn’t considering moving, but Robin’s not crazy about living in a house he used to share with his ex-wife. Mary says she’s sure there’s lots of wonderful houses out there and she would be happy to help them look. Pastor Jeff gets the sense Mary doesn’t want him to look at the house. Mary insists that’s not the case, saying he should look at the house, as well as others. Jeff admits this wasn’t the reaction he expected. Mary unconvincingly says it is what he expected, because she’s excited at the prospect of her boss living next door to her. Pastor Jeff points out his boss lives everywhere and you don’t see him getting crazy about it.

At dinner, Sheldon tells his father about a plan where he buys the house next door and rents it out to people Sheldon has approved. After George says he can’t afford a second house, Sheldon wonders if Georgie, who makes as much as his dad, can afford it. George insists Georgie does not make as much money as him. Georgie agrees but points out he doesn’t waste his money on stupid things like food and kids. Still, Georgie says when he moves out, it’s not gonna be 20ft away and it’s gotta have a hot tub. After Mary tells Sheldon to stop involving himself in this, she mentions that even Pastor Jeff is interested in the house now. When George asks if she wants her boss living next door, Mary admits not.

When Pastor Jeff hands Mary the paychecks at work, he is snarky about his office being next door. After he leaves, Mary prays to the Lord to help her through this situation. When she’s done and notices a “love thy neighbor” stitching on a pillow, she says she meant fix Pastor Jeff, not her. Elsewhere, Sheldon goes to Mr. Lundy with the bad news that his mother has forbidden him from helping him sell the house. A dramatic Mr. Lundy says that is beyond bad news, but Sheldon doesn’t pick up on the sarcasm.

On the baseball field, Missy watches as her boyfriend, Marcus, throws the ball around. Dale notices her watching him, so tells Missy he was thinking about letting her sit this one out. Dale says he would kind of like to save her arm for the playoffs. Elsewhere, when Mary goes to Pastor Jeff’s office to ask if he’s got a second, Pastor Jeff is still smarting. He says he might have called first, but that’s just how he was raised. Mary tells her boss she owes him an apology. She was worried about working together and living next door to each other, but she likes him and Officer Robin very much and they would be lucky to have them as neighbors. Pastor Jeff is happy as Officer Robin already checked it out, loved it and put up police tape so no one else could get in.

With the baseball game not going Coach Dale’s way, Missy says they’re gonna lose if he doesn’t put her in. When Missy says she will strike Marcus out, Dale tells her he thought Marcus was her boyfriend. Missy is upset that Meemaw told him, but Dale points out she’s his girlfriend and they talk about things. When Missy asks whether the stuff about saving her arm for the playoffs wasn’t true, Dale says he was just being nice. Missy wonders since when is he nice. Dale announces player change and sends Missy in as George watches from the stands. With Missy at bat, Marcus strikes out on the first pitch. The next one Marcus hits, but it’s declared a foul ball. Marcus and Missy eye each other up as she gets ready to pitch. On the third attempt, she strikes Marcus out. Missy smiles at Marcus, but he can’t hide his displeasure as he shakes his head at her.

Later, the two teams walk by and high five each other for a good game. When Missy and Marcus reach each other, they stare at each other for a moment. When Missy raises her hand and says good game, Marcus returns the high five and says good game. After their fingers interlock, an excited Missy runs off the field. After Missy runs all the way home, ishe heads into Meemaw’s house to tell her that Marcus touched her hand. Meemaw wants to high five her, but Missy doesn’t want anybody else to touch her hand.

When Mary answers the door, Pastor Jeff and Officer Robin say they have some exciting news. The owners accepted their offer on the house, so they’re going to be neighbors. After Sheldon comes to see what’s going on, Mary explains it looks like Pastor Jeff and Robin are moving in next door. That’s not the only good news; they’re expecting. When Pastor Jeff suggests one day Sheldon could babysit for the baby, he imagines holding a crying baby. After Sheldon walks away, Mary asks where he’s going. He says that he’s off to apply for college.

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