Mr. Lundy: Can I help you?
Sheldon: I'm interested in becoming an actor.
Mr. Lundy: Well, good for you. You've come to the right place. You know, I-I've been a professional actor for years and years.
Sheldon: Really? What have you been in?
Mr. Lundy: Well, have you seen the mattress madness commercials on channel 68? [cut to a cheesy commercial] "I'm soft and firm in all the right places".

Adult Sheldon: I know what you're thinking: she's going to tear his throat out. But what in fact happened is she did what she thought Jesus would do. She went home and made that tuna casserole. It was a little salty but I ate it because she was in a mood.

Mr. Lundy: Okay, everybody, ten minutes to curtain. No smiling, girls, it's a hard knock life.

Sheldon: Excuse me, is there someone in charge here?
Mr. Lundy: That would be me.
Sheldon: Mr. Lundy? What are you doing here?
Mr. Lundy: I'm the realtor.
Sheldon: But you're a teacher and an actor.
Mr. Lundy: And while those both pay so well, I like to do this on the weekends for fun. [chuckles] Why are you here?
Sheldon: I live next door and I'm concerned about who the new neighbor might be.
Mr. Lundy: Don't you worry, I will personally make sure that your new neighbor is whoever forks over the most money.
Sheldon: Thank you. Wait.

Mary: Do I need to remind you that the purpose of Heck House is to show how sins destroy our lives?
Mr. Lundy: Yeah, so?
Mary: You are making them into a good thing.
Mr. Lundy: Have you read the script? He's gonna get syphilis. He goes home, he gives it to his wife. She goes crazy. She kills him and her entire family. What am I missing?

Sheldon: I was told you're the head of the drama department.
Mr. Lundy: Mm-hmm, and the girls' volleyball coach, which, between us, is the real drama department.
Sheldon: Was that a joke?
Mr. Lundy: I thought so.

Mary: So, where do I go from here? I've kind of talked to everybody I know.
Mr. Lundy: Mm. Well, new faces are the lifeblood of our business.
Mary: How do I find new faces?
Mr. Lundy: Don't you run a Bible study?
Mary: Uh, I don't know that I'd be comfortable trying to make sales in a religious setting.
Mr. Lundy: Mary, if God didn't want people to wear makeup, he'd have made 'em less ugly.
Mary: Well, that's one way to look at it.
Mr. Lundy: Mm-hmm. And you have a daughter, right?
Mary: Well, she's not even a teenager yet.
Mr. Lundy: This is when it starts. Would you rather her borrowing makeup from friends, passing it back and forth?
Mary: She has stolen it from my bag.
Mr. Lundy: See? Forget about a pink Caddy. Now we're talking pink eye. Which, if she does catch it, a little waterproof eyeliner, you'd never know.

Mr. Lundy: You never forget your first sale.
Mary: I know. I am still tingling.
Mr. Lundy: I love that feeling. I don't even drink coffee anymore. I just go on tingle power. [both laughs]
Mary: And she didn't just get the starter kit. She got the mud mask, she got the exfoliator.
Mr. Lundy: I had a feeling about you, Mary. It's just a matter of time before you're behind the wheel of your own pink Cadillac, and take it from me, you will be stared at. I am.

Mary: What do you want?
Sheldon: Can I take a four-and-a-half-hour bus ride to Texarkana for a comic book convention?
Mary: By yourself? Absolutely not.
Sheldon: Can you come with me?
Mary: No.
Mr. Lundy: Son, your mother has makeup to sell.
Sheldon: If I get an adult to go with me, can I?
Mary: I don't know. Maybe. [Sheldon looks at Mr. Lundy]
Mr. Lundy: Ha, ha. No.
Sheldon: But people wear makeup to comic book conventions. You could sell it there.
Mr. Lundy: Ah, I see. No.
Sheldon: But...
Mr. Lundy: Read my moisturized lips. No.

Mr. Lundy: Now before we go further, I am gonna have to ask for a check for your sample kit and your start-up accessories.
Mary: Oh. I was under the impression that I would take orders, and the customers would pay for it later, like, um, Girl Scout cookies.
Mr. Lundy: I'm sorry. Do you see Thin Mints in this case?
Mary: No.
Mr. Lundy: This is a serious business. If you are not serious, maybe you are not ready to join my team.
Mary: Oh, I... I am serious. It's just that my husband isn't totally on board, and he'll be upset if I spend a bunch of money.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, well, that's fair. If you have to ask his permission, I can come back. It's refreshing really. It reminds me of a simpler time when men made the decisions and women made the beds.
Mary: I'm gonna get my checkbook. [exits]
Mr. Lundy: Now there is a take-charge makeup salesperson. [chuckles] I am the organ grinder, and the world is my monkey.

Mary: Thank you so much for finding the time.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, please. Always happy to welcome a new sales associate to the family. [laughs]
Mary: Well, um, I don't normally wear much makeup, so I'm a little out of my depth.
Mr. Lundy: Which brings us to lesson number one. In sales, confidence is key.
Mary: Oh.
Mr. Lundy: Are you confident?
Mary: No.
Mr. Lundy: I knew the answer to that, but that's gonna be our little secret, because just like this full-coverage concealer for all skin types, we're gonna cover that right on up. [laughs]
Mary: I'm all for that.

Mary: I can't help but notice what you're driving.
Mr. Lundy: [chuckles] This old thing? I was actually gonna trade it in.
Mary: Are you selling Mary Kay?
Mr. Lundy: With my theater background, I just had a knack for cosmetology.
Mary: You must sell a lot.
Mr. Lundy: Guilty. But, these days, I-I manage my own handpicked team.
Mary: Well, I'm happy for you.
Mr. Lundy: Aw, aren't you a dear? [chuckling] [chuckling] H... Um, hey, do you... ever do sales?
Mary: Me? No.
Mr. Lundy: Really? An attractive young woman like yourself?
Mary: Oh, I don't know about that.
Mr. Lundy: Well, here. Here is my card, in case you ever want to talk. Maybe one day you'll be driving one of these. Instead of one of those.

Mr. Lundy: Greetings. Pleased to meet you. I go by many names: Satan, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub. Of course, when I make a dinner reservation, I-I go by "Eric." It's easier to spell.

Mary: Um, I was hoping to put on a little play in each of the rooms that portrays one of the seven deadly sins.
Mr. Lundy: Pride, envy, gluttony, lust, sloth, wrath and greed!
Mary: Wow, you know your sins!
Mr. Lundy: Well, again, I'm an actor. They are the tools in my box.

Mary: As I told you on the phone, I have been tasked with mounting this year's Halloween production.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, is that a haunted house kind of deal?
Mary: Yes, but with the goal of bringing people to God.
Mr. Lundy: I do know something about that. When I played Puck in Midsummer, the Tulsa Herald called my performance heavenly.
Mary: Wow! Good for you.
Mr. Lundy: Thank you, thank you.

Meemaw: Excuse me. We need to talk.
Mr. Lundy: Can it wait? I'm trying to turn your grandson here into the Richard Simmons of the Wild West.
Meemaw: No, it can't. I took a look at this contract you sent over.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, well, that's just boilerplate legalese. I wouldn't even read that.
Meemaw: Too late. I couldn't help but notice you're taking 80% of the profits.
George Jr.: Eighty percent?
Mr. Lundy: Well, in case no one has noticed, I'm doing most of the work here.
George Jr.: But it was all my idea.
Mr. Lundy: Your idea was lifting weights in some dingy garage. Cowboy aerobics was hatched in this egg right here.
George Jr.: But it's my face.
Meemaw: Any my money.
Mr. Lundy: And my apologies, but 20% is all you're getting.
Meemaw: Unbelievable.
Mr. Lundy: Excuse me. I've done all the choreography. I designed the sets. I-I made the costumes by hand. You think you can find sequined chaps in a mall? No, you cannot. And they give you quite the look when you ask.

Sheldon: Hello. Are you Mr. Lundy?
Mr. Lundy: My father is Mr. Lundy.
Sheldon: Well, then what should I call you?
Mr. Lundy: I guess Mr. Lundy. My father's dead.

Mr. Lundy: Now, remember, next week, we start our work on Streetcar Named Desire. So please prepare a monologue for either Blanche or Stanley. Usually, the girls do Blanche and the boys do Stanley, but no judgment. You follow your heart.

Mary: Okay. Um... Hi.
Mr. Lundy: Let me stop you right there.
Mary: What did I do wrong?
Mr. Lundy: [sighs] It's your face.
Mary: What's wrong with my face?
Mr. Lundy: It's your number one sales tool. Y-You should be advertising the product, and you're not wearing any.
Mary: Yes, I am.
Mr. Lundy: Where?
Mary: I think the best makeup is the kind that no one notices.
Mr. Lundy: Right now, you're what no one notices. This is your billboard, and I'm... [sputters] ...driving right on by.
Mary: I suppose I could put on a little more.

Mr. Lundy: All righty then. Show me what you got.
Mary: What do you mean?
Mr. Lundy: Your sales technique. Let's go. Come on. I'm an Eskimo. Sell me some ice.
Mary: Really? Right now?
Mr. Lundy: If you can't sell to me, and I'm already Team Mary, how are you gonna sell to a stranger?