Mary: The bartender asked to see my I.D.
Meemaw: Honey, he does that to get tips. He asked me for mine, too.
Mary: Well, I like to think we're both young attractive ladies.
Meemaw: To that old fart? Yeah.

Coach Wilkins: Well, they were floating the idea of me being head coach next year.
George Sr.: What the hell, Wayne?
Coach Wilkins: I didn't know what it was gonna be about.
George Sr.: Well, what did you tell them?
Coach Wilkins: Look, I want you to keep your job.
George Sr.: Well, then tell them you're not interested.
Coach Wilkins: But...if you're not gonna keep your job, I want your job.
George Sr.: Really? You want to spend your days coaching lazy kids and getting yelled at by their parents?
Coach Wilkins: Come on, George.
George Sr.: Don't forget the dirty looks after you lose, like you're the one that fumbled on the three-yard line. That's the job you want?
Coach Wilkins: It's called coaching, George.

George Sr.: Good night. Sweet dreams.
Missy: Mom gives us kisses.
George Sr.: Fine.
Missy: Mm, your beard is scratchy.
George Sr.: Too bad. Sheldon?
Sheldon: I respectfully pass.

Adult Sheldon: Grandmas love to spoil their grandchildren. Especially when the grandma has a suitcase full of cash she doesn't know what to do with.
Missy: Whoa.
Sheldon: Oh, my. Did you mean to give us ten dollar bills? Because these are hundreds.
Missy: I'm gonna kick your ass.
Meemaw: I know it's a lot, but why not see you enjoy it while I'm still around?
Missy: Ooh, there's an inheritance, too?
Meemaw: Well, depends on how you treat me in my golden years.
Sheldon: I'm not interested in your money, Meemaw.
Missy: You're pretty and I love you.
Meemaw: Now, don't you have something to say to me?
Sheldon: Thank you.
Missy: I'm rich.

Meemaw: The gambling room's doing well.
Dale: I can see that, Scarface. But why is it here?
Meemaw: Well, I can't exactly take it down to the bank.
Dale: Why not?
Meemaw: They'd bust me for money laundering.
Dale: Well, it's small bills. Tell them you're a stripper.
Meemaw: It's $14,000.
Dale: Well, tell them you're a good stripper.

Missy: Now you're cooking breakfast for us?
George Sr.: Your mom's not feeling well.
Sheldon: [covering his mouth] Is she contagious?
George Sr.: No. Just tired.
Sheldon: Did you check her for ticks?
George Sr.: Soon as she wakes up.
Sheldon: You can check her while she's asleep.
George Sr.: Sit down!

Missy: Do you even know how to cook?
George Sr.: Believe it or not, I am capable of making breakfast.
Missy: Sorry. It's not like we see you do much around here.
George Sr.: How 'bout, "Thanks for cooking, Dad"?
Missy: Chocolate chips? Thanks for cooking, Dad.

Sheldon: That boy has an exposed tattoo.
Mary: He does.
Sheldon: I wonder if he knows that's in violation of the dress code.

Sheldon: Why did you move to Texas?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, that's simple. Medford had no Jews, so there was an opening for one.
Sheldon: And you got it? Good for you.
Ira Rosenbloom: (chuckles) I love this kid.
Meemaw: Me, too.

Mary: Thank you, Lord, for this little boy.
Sheldon: I knew I could fix it.
Mary: [LAUGHS] Maybe it was you and the Lord.
Adult Sheldon: I don't like sharing credit, but I knew in that moment it wasn't the appropriate time to say it.

Pastor Jeff:And Jacob said: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
Sheldon: Is this an appropriate time to mention that John 1:18 says, "No man hath seen God at any time." Who's right? Jacob or John?
Mary: Let's talk about it in the car.
[Meemaw raises her hand]
Pastor Jeff: Yes, Connie?
Meemaw: My grandson has a question. Let 'er rip, kid.

Sheldon: "If you were not covered by a retirement plan, but your spouse was, see the worksheet on page 14." Try and stop me.

George Sr.: Here we are.
Missy: Red Lobster?
George Sr.: You love this place.
[flashback:]
Missy: Holy moly.
George Sr.: It's good, huh?
Missy: Unbelievable.
[present:]
Missy: Yeah, when I was, like, eight.
George Sr.: Well, come on, we had our first daddy-daughter date here.
Missy: Oh, my God, don't ever call it that again.
George Sr.: What?
Missy: I have friends who come here on actual dates. They might see us.
George Sr.: Thought it'd be nice.
Missy: Can we please go anywhere else?
George Sr.: [sighs] Fine. You know, they have those cheddar biscuits.
Missy: Dad.
George Sr.: Fine.

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, no, what have I done?
Sheldon: It's still moving.
Dr. Linkletter: Like we should be. Let's go.
Dr. John Sturgis: We need a box and a towel.
Sheldon: We don't need a coffin. The birds will eat it.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's to keep it safe until we find help.
Dr. Linkletter: John, these animals carry all kinds of diseases.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's what the towel's for.
Sheldon: This is Texas. Armadillo roadkill is practically the state animal.

Tam: Okay, whenever you're ready.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Tam: I'm assuming the position.
Sheldon: Okay. Forgive me, Tam, for I have sinned. This is my first confession.
Tam: I forgive you, my son.
Sheldon: I was doing my parents' taxes and noticed a check was missing. I asked my father about it-
Adult Sheldon: As I walked Tam through the whole sordid affair, I could feel a weight lifting off my shoulders. It was a relief to finally unburden myself of this deception. By the time I reached the end, I felt like a new person.
Sheldon: That's the whole story.
Tam: Cool. Can we play now?
Adult Sheldon: And now that my conscience had been cleared, my colon was ready to do the same.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I need to use your bathroom!

Sheldon: Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed.
Tam: My father taught me that we must always honor our guests and treat them with the utmost courtesy.
Sheldon: The Vietnamese are a very welcoming people.
Tam: Yeah, that hasn't always worked out for us.

Sheldon: Speaking of slow-moving transportation, did you know that the slowest express train in the world is the Glacier Express in Switzerland?
Dr. Linkletter: I spent a month in Switzerland at CERN.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, no! I hit an armadillo.
Dr. Linkletter: So? Just keep driving.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, I can't. I have to check on it. [car door closes]
Sheldon: Is he hoping it's alive or dead?
Dr. Linkletter: Alive.
Sheldon: Ugh.

George Sr.: Um, I need to tell you something.
Mary: What did you do?
George Sr.: When Sheldon was doing our taxes, he noticed a missing check.
Mary: What did you do?
George Sr.: Before I answer, do you trust me enough to understand it was for a good reason and j-just leave it at that?
Mary: What did you do?

George Sr.: It's all your mother's fault. She is a bad person. I've been telling you for years.

Sheldon: Get it! Get it!
Missy: It's just a spider. Calm down.
Sheldon: It's got eight legs and fangs. I see no reason to be calm.