Mary: Sheldon, you need to stop involving yourself in this. You upset Mr. Lundy, and you were rude to the people at the open house.
George Sr.: And he was bugging his teachers at school all day.
Sheldon: But Mr. Lundy said I could help him.
Mary: I don't care. Even Pastor Jeff is talking about buying that house now.
Sheldon: That could work out. His wife's a police officer, so built-in security. And whenever I have a theological zinger, I can call it right over the fence.

George Sr.: You want your boss living next door?
Mary: Not exactly.
Sheldon: You don't have to worry about your boss. There's a district rule that says that Principal Petersen cannot live next door to me.
Missy: That sounds made-up.
Sheldon: A principal who tells lies. What are we gonna do with this one?

Sheldon: Hello, Bobbi.
Bobbi Sparks: You told on me.
Sheldon: Well, actually, my brother figured it out, so, technically, I would argue that I didn't.
Bobbi Sparks: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon: Uh, I should let you know, I've read a book on jiu-jitsu. And I'm prepared to throw it at you.

Mary: How'd it go?
George Sr.: Uh, good. Yeah. I handled it.
Mary: Oh, thank the Lord.
George Sr.: Yeah. Me and the Lord. Team effort.

Mary: [answers phone] Hello.
President Hagemeyer: Hi. This is Linda Hagemeyer from the university. Is this Mrs. Cooper?
Mary: Yes, it is.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent. Did the Strawberry Quik arrive?
Mary: As a matter of fact, it did.
President Hagemeyer: Sounds like nasty stuff, but, hey, whatever floats the little guy's boat, right?

Herschel Sparks: Anyway, how can I help?
George Sr.: Uh, well It's come to my attention that, uh, Sheldon's run into a bit of trouble with your daughter.
Herschel Sparks: What kind of trouble?
George Sr.: He says she been beating on him.
Herschel Sparks: My Bobbi?
George Sr.: Yeah.
Herschel Sparks: This one? The six-year-old? Bobbi, get over here! You realize I've taken dumps bigger than this kid.

Sheldon: Have you ever been in detention?
Tam: No. But I do take the school bus. And that is no party. It's like a mental hospital on wheels.
Sheldon: That's a good use of simile.
Tam: Thanks. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. I hope.

Mary: So, Sheldon, little bit of dental news. You have a baby tooth that never fell out.
Sheldon: Neat. Even my teeth are stubborn.

Sheldon: Can you open this? I'm making spaghetti with hot dogs cut up in it.
Missy: You know there's a lady that does that for us, right?
Sheldon: Yes, but she's not here right now.
Missy: That's why I'm watching Oprah.
Oprah: [on TV] I would like to introduce each of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Leonardo...

Adult Sheldon: After my other attempts to return to the trancelike state of anesthesia failed, I turned to something Nancy Reagan herself told me to "just say no" to. My mind-altering substance of choice was... chamomile tea. But not your grandma's chamomile tea. A highly concentrated super chamomile of my own making. All the relaxing power of 30 cups of chamomile tea packed into a teaspoon of calming sludge.
Sheldon: Sorry, Mrs. Reagan.

Richard Feynman: [v.o.] All right, hang on. Where is the fun in finding things out if some joker with a bird head just tells you the answer?
Sheldon: But a grand unified field theory would explain the universe.
Richard Feynman: Answers are all well and good, but a real scientist loves the thrill of the chase. Am I right, Hawking?
Stephen Hawking: [v.o.] I would agree. I do also enjoy the thrill of rolling over bubble wrap with my chair.
Professor Proton: It-it is fun to pop that stuff, isn't it?
Stephen Hawking: So fun.

Sheldon: But what if I never figure it out?
Albert Einstein: I never did and my scientific career is nothing to sneeze at.
Richard Feynman: Same here.
Stephen Hawking: Agreed.
Professor Proton: Uh, don't-don't look at me. I-I drive a Yugo.

What do you think about letting me borrow your truck today?
Dale: I don't know.
Meemaw: Why not?
Dale: 'Cause I like my truck.
Meemaw: Not funny.
Dale: It is. You're just cranky.
Meemaw: Fine. Maybe I'll just ride my bicycle to the salon.
Dale: You ride a bike?
Meemaw: Is that amusing to you?
Dale: An old lady riding a bike? Oh, no. [chuckles]
Meemaw: Shut up.
Dale: Okay, will do.

Meemaw: [on the phone] I don't care what your guy says. Have him check it again. [hangs up] Sorry, I'm cranky.
Dale: No problem. I like when you yell at people who aren't me.
Meemaw: Stupid mechanic said the brakes are just fine.
Dale: Well, you probably stepped on the wrong pedal.
Meemaw: I didn't.
Dale: I'm just saying, it happens with people our age, you know.
Meemaw: I've been driving my whole life. I know which pedal is which.
Dale: Now you're yelling at me.
Meemaw: Sorry.

Adult Sheldon: In every young man's life, there are milestones along the road to independence. Squashing one's very first bug.
Sheldon: Aah!
Adult Sheldon: Tending to one's own boo-boo.
Sheldon: Not today, germs. Not today.
Adult Sheldon: And preparing a favorite meal without one's mommy.

Missy: Say cheese.
Sheldon: Cheese. [camera shutter clicks] Now tell me what was in that letter.
Missy: You're pretty cranky for a princess rodeo clown.

Adult Sheldon: I was angry at my mother and needed more information. While she told me to go to my room, she didn't say stay there. Boy howdy, I do love a loophole.

Mary: George. You need to talk to her parents.
George Sr.: Me? Why me?
Mary: Because you're more intimidating than me.
Meemaw: That's rich.

Adult Sheldon: If I was going to recapture my insight into a unified field theory, I needed to find a way to put myself back into an altered state of consciousness. Native Americans would sit in sweat lodges for hours to achieve this. I lasted a minute and a half. Self-hypnosis is another means of bringing stillness to the mind. [Sheldon screams] When it isn't giving you a heart attack! The whirling dervishes of Central Asia employ a repetitive spinning technique to achieve a trancelike state.
Sheldon: [retches, falls down]

Mary: You see Sheldon?
Missy: [points ]That way.
George Sr.: What's going on?
Mary: He's having some sort of panic attack.
Missy: [chuckles] Oh, man. My story just keeps getting better.