Tam: What's in the mug?
Sheldon: It's a coffee mug, Tam. What do you think is in it?
Tam: Could be soup.
Sheldon: It's coffee.
Tam: Where'd you get it?
Sheldon: The teachers' lounge. And before you ask, no, I'm not the world's greatest grandpa.

Mary: The minute he found out I had money set aside, he felt threatened. And you know why? 'Cause it meant that I can live independent of him.
Meemaw: Sleeping in your mommy's bed?
Mary: You know what I mean.
Meemaw: You gonna buy Sheldon that computer?
Mary: Well, now I have to.
Meemaw: Got it. You do know I still have an active love life.
Mary: Just go to sleep.
Meemaw: On this very bed.
Mary: Oh, Mom.

Mary: Oh, I know that you're hurting, and... I'm here for you, so... what do you need?
Meemaw: Great, take me drinking.
Mary: It is 3:30 in the afternoon.
Meemaw: Yes, it's called happy hour.
Mary: I have to make dinner.
Meemaw: Oh, fine. I'll just be sad and drunk by myself. Maybe I'll go home with the bartender.
Mary: Missy! I have to go out with your meemaw, but I'll be back later with KFC.

George Jr.: What's for breakfast?
George Sr.: I don't know. Grab a bowl of cereal.
George Jr.: Mom usually makes us eggs and toast and the occasional meat.
George Sr.: Well, Mom isn't here, is she?
George Jr.: Whoa. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed. And you had a choice 'cause you had the whole bed.

Sheldon: Oh, man. You won't believe what's happening at Meemaw's house.
George Sr.: Is it more interesting than Who's the Boss?
George Jr.: Doubt it.

Sheldon: Are you two fighting?
Meemaw: No.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, good. I was almost certain that we were.
Meemaw: We are.
Sheldon: I'm confused.
Dr. John Sturgis: Me, too.

Meemaw: And by the way, you can tell your friend Dale that I want my stuff back.
George Sr.: I'm not getting in the middle of this.
Meemaw: 'Cause I left my purple bra over at his place.
Missy: I want a purple bra.
Mary: Oh, Lord.
Meemaw: And if I'm gonna start dating again, I'm gonna need that.
George Sr.: Somebody else needs to talk.
Sheldon: Did you know that Leonard Nimoy takes pictures of...
George Sr.: Georgie?

Sheldon: Normally I don't like facial hair, but Spock makes it work.

Ira Rosenbloom: John, you're a great guy.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, you, too!
Ira Rosenbloom: But I hope you understand, I just I can't give up on Connie.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's all right. To tell you the truth, I'm finding the competition quite exhilarating.
Ira Rosenbloom: You are?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes. The night the dinette set arrived, I did my first push-up in 40 years.
Ira Rosenbloom: I'm sorry, but I find that to be, uh- What's the word, Astro-boobulous?
Dr. John Sturgis: Ostrobogulous.
Ira Rosenbloom: Ostrobogulous.
Dr. John Sturgis: Exactly.

Meemaw: Georgie ain't here.
Mandy: I came to talk to you.
Meemaw: Could you please take your voice down just a notch?
Mandy: Why? You don't want anyone to hear?
Meemaw: No, I'm a little hungover.
Mandy: [shakes laundry trolley] How could you not tell me he was 17?
Meemaw: Look, I did tell him to tell you before things went too far.
Mandy: Well, they did go too far.
Meemaw: Well, I get it. Men are the worst. I'm going through stuff myself.
Mandy: We are not bonding over this!
Meemaw: Listen. Just calm down.
Mandy: Don't tell me to calm down! And good luck with your hangover. [slams dryer lid] [exits]
Meemaw: Well, that's too bad. I liked her.

Mary: I'm sorry y'all find this funny, but this is the first time my mother's expressed real interest in a man since Dad died. Forgive me for wanting to know more.
Meemaw: You really want to know more? Imagine you're getting on in years, you and your husband about to retire, get a little timeshare in Sarasota, and suddenly he's gone, and you're all alone. You mourn, you cry, but eventually you move on. You start dating a little, and it's all good fun. But always in the back of your mind, there's that question "Will I be alone in the end?"
George Sr.: [sniffling, rubbing a tear from his eye] Why y'all looking at me for?

Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me. I'm looking for Ira.
Ira Rosenbloom: At your service. What can I do for you?
Dr. John Sturgis: You, sir, have overstepped your bounds.
Ira Rosenbloom: I'm sorry, what?
Dr. John Sturgis: Miss Constance Tucker made it clear your courtship was no longer welcome, and you responded with six chairs, a table, and an expansion leaf.
Ira Rosenbloom: Who are you?
Dr. John Sturgis: John Sturgis, the man she chose and your romantic rival.
Ira Rosenbloom: I-I'm sorry, wait, what-what is it you want from me?
Dr. John Sturgis: I want you to give up your pursuit of Connie.
Ira Rosenbloom: All right, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave my store.
Dr. John Sturgis: Very well. The line in the sand has been drawn. Cross it at your own peril.
Ira Rosenbloom: Weirdo.
Dr. John Sturgis: What was that?
Ira Rosenbloom: You heard me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sir, I am a man with feelings. And you have hurt them.

Dale: Did you see Connie last night?
George Sr.: Yeah, at dinner.
Dale: She say anything about me?
George Sr.: Please leave me out of this.
Dale: Oh, come on, we're friends, George, and I'm your boss.
George Sr.: She said she wants her bra back.
Dale: Uh, the purple one that opens in the front?
George Sr.: Really don't want to hear about this.
Dale: Well, you're the one that brought it up.

Meemaw: Can you believe he tried to win me back with a dinette set?
George Sr.: I'd give you a dinette set if you'd leave Texas.

Meemaw: Okay. I guess you could say one of my former boyfriends is trying to win me back with furniture.
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh. Impressive. This is real oak. Was that him on the phone?
Meemaw: Yes. I'm sorry.
Dr. John Sturgis: Interesting.
Meemaw: What?
Dr. John Sturgis: Being challenged by another man is making you more attractive to me.
Meemaw: I don't follow.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'll have to do some research, but I'm guessing this is a genetic instinct that's raising my libido.
Meemaw: I need a drink.

Adult Sheldon: Paige made me realize that maybe I wasn't the loner I thought I was. Maybe I was a social butterfly, or a social animal less horrifying than a butterfly. Get it off the screen. But the point is, I was becoming a people person.
Sheldon: You again?
Paige: Well, hello to you, too.

Sheldon: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, it's Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: I'm watching Star Trek: The Original Series.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry, I'm not up on my cartoons.
Sheldon: It's not a cartoon. It's a live-action science fiction show. Although there is one called Star Trek: The Animated Series.
Dr. Linkletter: I believe you. I was wondering if I can speak with your mommy.
Sheldon: Sure. Hold on. [shouts] Mom, Dr. Linkletter's on the phone. [on the phone] While we wait, here's a fun fact. In the animated series, Kukulkan was played by James Doohan.
Mary: [on the line] Hello?
Sheldon: James Doohan played Scotty on Star Trek: The Original Series.
Mary: Sheldon, I've got it.
Sheldon: He tried several accents before settling on Scottish.
Mary: Sheldon, hang up.
Sheldon: Okay. He felt the Scots were excellent engineers. Bye.

Mary: Hey, who are you calling?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis.
Mary: Why?
Sheldon: I saw Meemaw get in a car with Mr. Rosenbloom.
Mary: No.... [dives across the room towards Sheldon]
Adult Sheldon: I don't know if it really happened this way, but to my nine-year-old mind, my mother was flying.

Mary: Did you show your sister Footloose?
George Jr.: Did it work?
Mary: No!
George Jr.: Mm. Then no.
Mary: Oh!

Ira Rosenbloom: So, how's the brisket?
Meemaw: It's good. It ain't my brisket, but it's good.
Ira Rosenbloom: I should take you to New York so you could taste some authentic Jewish brisket.
Meemaw: How's it different?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, it's pretty much the same except it's-it's a lot juicier and you can feel the fat go directly to your heart.