Adult Sheldon: Traditionalism is the philosophy that the best way of life is a return to the past.
George Jr.: What are you doing?
Sheldon: [shaking a jar] Making my own butter, like in olden times.
George Jr.: That's stupid.
Adult Sheldon: My arms are still sore.

Mary: Okay, Dr. Sturgis will be joining us for dinner.
Sheldon: Hot darn.
Missy: That guy's back?
George Jr.: I thought he was in the nut house.
Mary: We do not call it that.
George Jr.: That's what Dad calls it.
Mary: And that's why I made him sit.

Mary: We need to have a talk. Georgie, get in here!
Missy: Are we in trouble?
Mary: No one's in trouble.
George Jr.: What's going on?
George Sr.: Have a seat.
Mary: You're also getting talked to. Sit.

Professor Ericson: [to Sheldon] Hey. How come you didn't want to get out of bed this morning?
Sheldon: If I can't know what's real, what's the point?
Professor Ericson: You have the right words. You're just saying them wrong. It's not, [shrugs] "What's the point?" It's, "What's the point?"
Sheldon: I don't understand.
Professor Ericson: Asking these questions is exciting. It's what gets me out of bed.
Sheldon: That's interesting. Richard Feynman did say the greatest joy in life is the pleasure of finding things out.
Meemaw: Feynman... He's the physics guy, right?
Dr. Linkletter: [quietly] Yes. And your perfume is beguiling.
Sheldon: It's all making sense to me now. Thank you.
Professor Ericson: I am happy to help.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I'm dropping your class and switching my major to philosophy.
Dr. Linkletter: Uh, what?

Meemaw: Garden's looking nice.
Mary: Well, not to commit the sin of pride, but I know.
Meemaw: How did you come out of me?

Sheldon: Mom. Mom.
Mary: What's wrong?
Sheldon: I was Gollum and Smeagol and I was in a cave fighting with myself over physics and hobbits. And then I realized that even though physics is frustrating, it won't turn me into a tormented creature who bites the heads off fish. Okay, good night.
George Sr.: [to Mary] I've been doing a great job with Missy. This one's on you.

Sheldon: It's funny. This morning, I couldn't get out of bed, and now I stand before a whole new exciting field of study.
Meemaw: Well, maybe instead of making this big switch, you could study both. You could be physics-philosophy guy.
Sheldon: You sound like a logical positivist. That's a branch of philosophy that maintains the best way to philosophize is through science.
Meemaw: Well, there you go. Do that.
Sheldon: It may be too early to specialize. I've only been a philosopher for 15 minutes.
Meemaw: Did you notice Dr. Linkletter didn't look too thrilled about you leaving science?
Sheldon: He never looks thrilled about anything. I think that's just his face. [Meemaw turns to look at Sheldon] That's the face.

Dale: W-Wh... Wait a minute. What's a paladin?
Sheldon: A paladin is a holy knight who crusades in the name of good.
Dale: Oh, I like that. I want to be that.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Yeah, I've been meaning to do more crusading in the name of good.
Meemaw: Okay. You say you got thief on that list? I'll be a thief. That sounds like fun.

Dale: So, how does this work?
Sheldon: You start by creating your character.
Missy: I want to be a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
Meemaw: Put me down for that, too.
Sheldon: You have to choose from one of the character classes. There's thief, druid, paladin, wizard...
Missy: Ooh, wizard. I want that.
Sheldon: All right.
Missy: Then I'll use my magic to turn me into a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
Sheldon: No.

Tam: How's puberty treating you? Because it is knocking me for a loop.

Adult Sheldon: Altruism is the belief that we should live only by bringing happiness to others.
[Sheldon lays down a plate of crackers in front of Missy]
Sheldon: These are for you.
Missy: Thanks.
[Sheldon takes the plate and walks away]
Missy: What the hell?!
Adult Sheldon: Egoism is the belief that we should live only by bringing happiness to ourselves.
Sheldon: [eats] Mmm. These are pretty good.

George Jr.: This is stupid.
Meemaw: You know what's stupid? I got to drink pink wine!

George Sr.: And then Georgie accuses me of hating my job. Is this where I thought I'd end up? No. Is this where you thought you'd end up?
Coach Wilkins: I thought I'd be working at my father's funeral home sewing people's eyes shut. My life turned out great.
George Sr.: Well, good for you. [laughs] The worst part is, I think Georgie's right.
Principal Petersen: You're not happy at work?
Coach Wilkins: I can see if my dad's hiring. How are your sewing skills?
George Sr.: It's not work. [sighs] Honestly, I don't know if I'm happy anywhere.
Principal Petersen: Ugh. When I asked y'all to hang for a drink, I didn't know you were gonna be such a bummer. [laughs] Geez Louise.

Sheldon: There's a character named Gollum who was corrupted by the Ring of Power. Now he runs around naked and bites the heads off fish.
Meemaw: That's called sushi. Which, by the way, I will die before I eat.

Jana: I think I'm gonna go.
George Jr.: Okay.
Sheldon: Hola, senorita. She's in my Spanish class.
Jana: I'll call you later.
Sheldon: Te veo manana en la clase de espanol.
Jana: What?
Sheldon: That means, "See you tomorrow in Spanish class." I was going to ask how you thought you did on Friday's quiz, but I'm guessing the answer is no bueno. Adios.

Ms. MacElroy: "The man who lived in the town was tall." Which word is the relative pronoun? Sheldon.
Sheldon: Have you read The Lord of the Rings?
Ms. MacElroy: Um, I have, but that's not what we're really doing right now.
Sheldon: The relative pronoun is "who." Now, did you notice that in Fellowship, Elrond says that the foundations of Barad-dur were made with the One Ring?
Ms. MacElroy: Let's say sure.
Sheldon: However, in Appendix B, "The Tale of Years," it's clear that Sauron began building Barad-dur in Second Age 1000, 600 years before the ring was forged.
Ms. MacElroy: Georgie.
George Jr.: Imagine living with this.
Ms. MacElroy: An hour a day is enough.

Sheldon: When Frodo and Sam are riding through the Shire, the book says the moon went westward, but according to the calendar Tolkien created, there should have been no moon visible.
Glenn: But in the appendix, Tolkien covers himself by saying there may be mistranslations from the Red Book.
Sheldon: Fictional Tolkien says that, but I can't help wondering if real Tolkien, who wrote the book, made the mistake or if it was an intentional mistake made by the fictional Tolkien, who translated these real-world events from an original source. [walks away]
Glenn: Oh, no. Is that how I sound to people?

Sheldon: The timeline doesn't make sense. I mean, it lists Samwise Gamgee's birth year as both 2963 and 2980.
Ms. Hutchins: Maybe he lied about his age.
Sheldon: Why?
Ms. Hutchins: I don't know. Maybe he thinks his neck makes him look older than he is.
Sheldon: But he's only in his 30s. That's young.
Ms. Hutchins: Thank you.
Sheldon: For a hobbit. For a human, that's mommy-age.
Ms. Hutchins: Thank you.

Lawrence: I like your conductor's uniform.
Sheldon: You know what they say. Dress for the job you want. Do I get an "ask me" button, too?
Lawrence: Well, thank you for asking, and yes, you do. I'll be right back. [exits]
Sheldon: Do you see that bell? That's from Texas and New Orleans locomotive number 701. I'd tell you more, but you haven't contributed the suggested donation.
[Sheldon stares at Meemaw until she puts some money in the donation box]
Sheldon: Number 701 was built in 1930 by the Baldwin Locomotive Works. It was a superheated 44 class GS-1 with ...
Meemaw: I want my money back.
Lawrence: Here you go.
Sheldon: Thank you. [to Meemaw] I know you're supposed to pick me up at 4:00, but I may live here now.
Meemaw: Send me a Christmas card.

Sheldon: This can't be right.
Missy: What now?
Sheldon: In the letter that Gandalf leaves for Frodo at The Prancing Pony, he says that it's Mid-year's Day, Shire year 1418. However, in Appendix B, it says that Gandalf met Radagast on June 29, which is impossible because- Hey!
Missy: Next time, it's my shoe. And I will put zip on it.