[fantasy:]
Mary: Georgie, there's a band called Guns N' Roses on the phone.
George Jr.: Really?
Mary: Yeah. The guitarist hurt his hand, and they want you to fill in.
George Jr.: [sighs] Tell them I can't. I'm a dad now.
Mary: Okay.

Sheldon: You enter a dark and musty crypt. Torches along the walls fill the room with a flickering light. In the center of the room is a mysterious glowing chest. What do you do?
Missy: I open the chest.
Meemaw: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[fantasy:]
Meemaw: It's a chest in the middle of a crypt. That's a little suspicious, don't you think?
Missy: I don't know. I'm not even sure what a crypt is.
Meemaw: Aah! It could be booby-trapped.
Sheldon: [v.o.] Thieves have the ability to check for traps.
Meemaw: Good for me, I can do that.
Dale: Hold it. This chest does not belong to us.
Meemaw: So?
Dale: I'm a paladin. It's not a very... paladin-y thing to do.
Meemaw: You didn't want to steal the key, you didn't want to fight the goblins. You wouldn't even kill the spider. You put it in a cup and took it outside.
[reality:]
Dale: Well, that wasn't in the game.
Meemaw: I know. It was in real life, which is worse.

Dale: Could me and your meemaw have a little privacy, please?
Missy: We can leave, but we're still gonna listen.
Sheldon: [rolls dice] Also, you find no traps.
Dale: What is your problem?
Meemaw: You act like Mr. Goody Two-shoes, and you expect me to believe that's real?
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, I don't.
Dale: Sheldon said there were no traps. [scoffs]

Sheldon: Oh, you better pull over.
George Jr.: Oh, thank God.
Sheldon: Well, don't just sit there follow it.
George Jr.: Why?
Sheldon: It's an ambulance It's going to the hospital.

George Jr.: So, what do you want to do?
Jana: Probably something with our clothes on.
George Jr.: No kidding. That was scary.
Jana: Terrifying.
George Jr.: I was afraid I was gonna have to marry you.
Jana: Afraid?
George Jr.: Shaking in my boots.
Jana: And what, exactly, would be so terrible about marrying me?
George Jr.: I didn't say terrible. You can be afraid of things that are great.
Jana: Like what?
George Jr.: Uh... Oh, roller coasters.
Jana: You're an idiot.
George Jr.: Roller coasters is a good answer. I didn't say sharks, which is what I thought of first.
Jana: You're making it worse.
George Jr.: How is I worse? I didn't say it. Roller coasters is a good answer.

Meemaw: Missy, help me out here.
Missy: Communication is important. I learned that on the Fresh Prince show.

Dale: [sighs] I asked you to marry me and you turned me down flat.
Meemaw: Are you still mad about that?
Dale: Oh, hell yeah I'm still mad about that.
Missy: He proposed?
Sheldon: He just said he did. Pay attention.
Dale: And you didn't even take it seriously.
Meemaw: I didn't take it seriously because you were drunk.
Dale: That's when I'm the most honest. You can ask anybody at the bar.

Meemaw: Okay, fine. That still doesn't change the fact that I'm not interested in getting married again.
Dale: Why not?
Meemaw: I don't have to explain myself to you.
Missy: I'd like to know.
Sheldon: And I'd like to play D&D.
Meemaw: We've been through this. I like my life just the way it is, and if you can't work with that, then, well...
Dale: Well what?
Meemaw: Tough knuckles.
Missy: Whoa.

Dale: Well, that's good, then. I don't have to pretend to be mister water-drinking nice guy anymore.
Meemaw: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Dale: [smiles] Yeah, well. Will you all excuse me?
Meemaw: Where you going?
Dale: I'm gonna get myself a beer. [chuckles]
Sheldon: [to Meemaw and Missy] So you're standing in a crypt looking at a locked chest. What do you do?
Dale: [o.s.] Pull a beer out of it.

[fantasy:]
Meemaw: Get out of my way. I'm a thief, and I'm opening this chest.
Dale: Have at it. I'm a paladin with a buzz on.
[reality:]
Sheldon: Success. The chest opens, revealing a scroll with ancient writing in a strange language you don't recognize. What do you do?
Missy: I say this is boring...
[fantasy:]
Missy: ...and turn myself into a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... ♪
Missy: This game just got good. High five.
Dale: Yeah.
♪ Heroes in a half-shell, turtle power. ♪

Sheldon: I'm excited to finally use college-ruled paper and not feel like I'm living a lie.
Billy Sparks: What's college-ruled paper?
Sheldon: The lines are 18% closer together.
Billy Sparks: College sounds hard.
Brenda Sparks: You won't have to worry about that, honey.
Billy Sparks: Okay.

Mary: Missy, don't forget that you have to pick out a present for that birthday next week.
Missy: Mom, it's "Melissa" now.
Mary: [to Brenda] Middle school.

George Jr.: Dang it.
George Sr.: What do you think you're doing?
George Jr.: Trying to get the bike started.
George Sr.: Why?
George Jr.: So I can ride it.
George Sr.: Like hell you are! [to Pastor Jeff] Sorry.

George Jr.: You don't use it.
George Sr.: 'Cause your mother won't let me. And if I can't, you can't.
George Jr.: If I get it running, can I at least sell it?
George Sr.: No.
George Jr.: But it's just sitting here. What's the point?
George Sr.: Point is I said no.
George Jr.: I can't believe someone so lame even owned a bike like this.
George Sr.: [to Pastor Jeff] Why are kids such a pain in the ass? [Pastor Jeff is silent] I'm sure yours will be great.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on answer machine] Hello, Coopers. Dr. Sturgis here. This is a message for Mary. I have some news I need to share with you before Sheldon starts college. Please call me back. [answering machine beeps]
Sheldon: I wonder why he'd want to talk to you and not me.
Dr. John Sturgis: [answering machine beeps] Dr. Sturgis again. If Sheldon happened to hear that last message and is wondering why I'd want to speak to his mother first and not him... Excellent question! It's that kind of curiosity that makes him a true man of science. [answering machine clicks, beeps]
Sheldon: I'm a true man of science.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Hello.
Mary: Hello, Dr. Sturgis. This is Mary Cooper.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi. Thanks for calling me back.
Mary: So, what's going on? Everything okay?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, everything is quite good, actually. Well, for me, that is. Um... did you know there's a supercollider being built in Waxahachie, Texas?
Mary: No.
Dr. John Sturgis: Do you know what a supercollider is?
Mary: Not really.
Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like a crash course? Which is humorous because it involves particles crashing into each other.
Mary: [on the phone] I'd like you to tell me what this has to do with Sheldon.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that part's less funny. I've taken a job there.

Adult Sheldon: I was normally a rule follower, but one of the rules of spring break is to cut loose and break rules.
Sheldon: I'm heading out.
Mary: Where you going?
Sheldon: To see my comic book friends.
George Sr.: Hmm. I'm leaving in a few. You want a ride?
Sheldon: No, I'm taking my bike.
Adult Sheldon: All the way to the bus station. [Sheldon smirks]
George Sr.: Something funny?
Sheldon: Not funny. Just normal.
Adult Sheldon: Smooth.
Sheldon: Bye.
Adult Sheldon: So smooth.

Mr. Lundy: You never forget your first sale.
Mary: I know. I am still tingling.
Mr. Lundy: I love that feeling. I don't even drink coffee anymore. I just go on tingle power. [both laughs]
Mary: And she didn't just get the starter kit. She got the mud mask, she got the exfoliator.
Mr. Lundy: I had a feeling about you, Mary. It's just a matter of time before you're behind the wheel of your own pink Cadillac, and take it from me, you will be stared at. I am.

Mary: So, where do I go from here? I've kind of talked to everybody I know.
Mr. Lundy: Mm. Well, new faces are the lifeblood of our business.
Mary: How do I find new faces?
Mr. Lundy: Don't you run a Bible study?
Mary: Uh, I don't know that I'd be comfortable trying to make sales in a religious setting.
Mr. Lundy: Mary, if God didn't want people to wear makeup, he'd have made 'em less ugly.
Mary: Well, that's one way to look at it.
Mr. Lundy: Mm-hmm. And you have a daughter, right?
Mary: Well, she's not even a teenager yet.
Mr. Lundy: This is when it starts. Would you rather her borrowing makeup from friends, passing it back and forth?
Mary: She has stolen it from my bag.
Mr. Lundy: See? Forget about a pink Caddy. Now we're talking pink eye. Which, if she does catch it, a little waterproof eyeliner, you'd never know.

Mary: But, hey, I am not just selling makeup. I am selling confidence.
Ms. Hutchins: You are?
Mary: I sure am. Now, are you a strong and confident woman?
Ms. Hutchins: Not remotely.
Mary: Well, do you want to be?
Ms. Hutchins: I guess.