Sheldon: Oh, man. You won't believe what's happening at Meemaw's house.
George Sr.: Is it more interesting than Who's the Boss?
George Jr.: Doubt it.

Meemaw: I'm warning you, once you try my barbecue, it will ruin you to all the others.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's what happened to me with quilted toilet paper. Once I tried the good stuff, everything else felt like a Brillo pad.
Meemaw: You paint quite the picture, don't you?

Adult Sheldon: The home computer I had long coveted was finally in my possession, but it was also destroying my home. Thankfully, it came pre-loaded with a program to help solve personal problems.

Sheldon: I'm done. Can I please be excused?
Mary: Good Lord, did you even chew it?
Sheldon: Not the recommended amount, no.

Sheldon: I don't want to celebrate too soon, but Meemaw and Mr. Rosenbloom are back, and he was crying. [gives thumbs up] There'll be more updates as they happen.

Meemaw: So... your little girlfriend Mandy came by today, and she is pissed.
George Jr.: This is what I get for telling her.
Meemaw: No, this is what you get for lying to her.
George Jr.: I don't need you yelling at me, too.
Meemaw: Well, she was yelling at me, so now I'm yelling at you.
George Jr.: Just because you're having men problems, please don't take it out on me.
Meemaw: ... All I'm saying is you really messed up.
George Jr.: I apologized. Why are we still talking about this?
Meemaw: Georgie, just think how you'd feel if someday somebody did that to your sister.

Sheldon: But I still don't understand.
Meemaw: Your grandmother's a single lady. She's not committed to any one fella, and she wants to see what her options are.
Sheldon: But Dr. Sturgis is the best option.
Mary: Well, you might feel that way, but she's not so sure.
Sheldon: Then we need to tell her. I'll make the call.
Mary: No. We need to mind our business and maybe pray for her to make the right decision.
Sheldon: We're gonna leave this up to God?
Mary: You think you could do a better job than God?
Sheldon: Maybe not with creating the universe, but I bet I could free the Hebrews with one good plague.

Mary: Did you show your sister Footloose?
George Jr.: Did it work?
Mary: No!
George Jr.: Mm. Then no.
Mary: Oh!

Ira Rosenbloom: So, how's the brisket?
Meemaw: It's good. It ain't my brisket, but it's good.
Ira Rosenbloom: I should take you to New York so you could taste some authentic Jewish brisket.
Meemaw: How's it different?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, it's pretty much the same except it's-it's a lot juicier and you can feel the fat go directly to your heart.

Mary: Hey, who are you calling?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis.
Mary: Why?
Sheldon: I saw Meemaw get in a car with Mr. Rosenbloom.
Mary: No.... [dives across the room towards Sheldon]
Adult Sheldon: I don't know if it really happened this way, but to my nine-year-old mind, my mother was flying.

Mary: So, you're really gonna date two men simultaneously?
Meemaw: Two that you know of.
Mary: Oh, Mom.
Meemaw: Come on, don't be such a prude. I'm not gonna have any babies. I don't need these men to take care of me. Why shouldn't I just enjoy myself?
Mary: Well, it isn't very Christian of you.
Meemaw: I got no argument there. Salute! Yeah, that fixed it.

Computer: Hello, I am Eliza.
Sheldon: [typing] My parents are fighting a lot.
Computer: I see. Can you elaborate on that?
Sheldon: My mother bought me this computer but my dad says we can't afford it.
Computer: Do you have issues with your mother?
Sheldon: Mmm, no. She makes me spaghetti with hot dogs cut up in it.
Computer: Can you elaborate on that?
Sheldon: Are you going to help me or not?
Computer: Hello, I am Eliza.
Sheldon: The future might be overrated.

George Jr.: You can't go around hitting people.
Missy: I had to do something.
Sheldon: Me too.
Missy: What did you do?
Sheldon: I ran and told the nearest adult.
George Jr.: I don't want you getting in trouble for me.
Missy: But Danny says you're going to hell.
George Jr.: I'm there now. Promise me.
Missy: Fine.
George Jr.: And I know you ain't hitting nobody.
Sheldon: You are correct, sir.

Mandy: So, you really think my folks'll come around?
Meemaw: I don't know 'em, but babies have a magical power over people, especially grandparents.
Mandy: Is that how you felt when Georgie was born?
Meemaw: Oh, it was love at first sight.
Mandy: And then 17 years later he got me pregnant.
Meemaw: You're not gonna let that go, are you?
Mandy: Nope.
Meemaw: Hmm.

Missy: Boys are dumb.
Meemaw: D-U-M-B.
Missy: Dum-b?

Sheldon: Oh, you better pull over.
George Jr.: Oh, thank God.
Sheldon: Well, don't just sit there follow it.
George Jr.: Why?
Sheldon: It's an ambulance It's going to the hospital.

Meemaw: When Mary told me she was pregnant, I reacted pretty much the same way that your folks did. Not my finest moment.
Mandy: Let me guess, they got married and suddenly you were okay with it.
Meemaw: Hell no. I didn't want my daughter to marry that fat dumbass. I shouldn't have said that. He got fat later.
Mandy: I'd laugh, but my mom gained 70 pounds when she had my little brother.

Mandy: So, I told my folks about the baby.
Meemaw: And?
Mandy: They told me I'm on my own. They want nothing to do with me.
Meemaw: Sorry. Give it a minute, they still might come around.
Mandy: I didn't even get to the part where the father's 17 years old.
Meemaw: Something fun for next time.

George Jr.: What's Sheldon doing?
Mary: Cooking his own dinner.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: He wants to take care of himself like an adult.
George Jr.: I plan on putting that off for as long as possible.
George Sr.: Really? It's a plan?

President Hagemeyer: So... how do we get your son to cooperate?
George Sr.: I've been asking myself that since day one.
President Hagemeyer: Look, I don't mean to put pressure on you, but there's a lot of pressure on me, so I'm going to put it on you.
George Sr.: Look, I'm sorry, isn't there anyone else who can go to dinner with this guy?
President Hagemeyer: So I have a unicorn in my zoo, but I should trot out a goat, is that what you're saying? Would you donate a new library to have dinner with a goat?
George Sr.: What restaurant?
President Hagemeyer: Mr. Cooper, I need you to understand something. This university relies on donations for everything. For upkeep, for salaries, for scholarships, like the one your son is currently on.
George Sr.: I'll talk to him.
President Hagemeyer: Thank you. And when you go to dinner, wear real pants.