Sheldon: "If you were not covered by a retirement plan, but your spouse was, see the worksheet on page 14." Try and stop me.

Meemaw: So, Sheldon wants a computer?
Mary: Ever since he could talk. But now more than ever.
George Sr.: Well, he should get a job after school. Save up and buy one.
Mary: Get a job? He's nine.
George Sr.: I mowed lawns when I was his age. Made pretty good money.
Mary: You want Sheldon to mow lawns? He's so pale, five minutes in the sun, he'd burst into flames.
George Jr.: I would pay to see that.
George Sr.: Shut up, Georgie.

Mary: I've been buying groceries for the church food drive. I think that's it.
Sheldon: Ooh, I bet I could write that off, including the gas it took to drive to the grocery store and then to the church.
George Sr.: With all that driving, maybe she can count her car as a home office.
Sheldon: Sounds aggressive, but I like how you're thinking.

Missy: You have a calculator I can borrow?
Sheldon: Yes, but I'm using it.
Missy: No, you're not.
Sheldon: [Sheldon taps his head] Why do you need a calculator?
Missy: I'm trying to figure out what to spend my money on. What are you gonna do with yours?
Sheldon: I'm glad you asked. I'm dipping my toe in the exciting world of the stock market by purchasing three shares of RadioShack.
Missy: Why?
Sheldon: Well, as a shareholder, I'll be partial owner of my very favorite company. See, when companies go public, they sell shares of stock...
Missy: I'll just buy my own calculator.

Sheldon: I balanced the rest of the account, and it appears to be a check for $300.
George Sr.: All right, well, let's just put it down for $300 for miscellaneous.
Sheldon: I've never labeled anything miscellaneous in my life.

George Sr.: What do you say we keep this quiet?
Sheldon: You mean like a secret?
George Sr.: No, no, just, you know, something between you and me.
Sheldon: What about Mom?
George Sr.: Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
Sheldon: What if Mom needs to know?
George Sr.: Okay, it's a secret. Just trust me. It is better for everyone if she doesn't know about this.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping secrets.
George Sr.: It's not hard. Just keep your mouth shut.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut.

Mary: Didn't Sheldon's college talk to you about coaching there once?
George Sr.: That's right, they did.
Mary: And you know the president pretty well now.
George Sr.: I do.
Mary: And they're used to losing, so it's low pressure.
George Sr.: Thank you.

George Sr.: I mean, how could Wayne stab me in the back like this?
Mary: I don't think Wayne stabbed you in the back.
George Sr.: Can you please just agree with me?
Mary: Sorry. So, what happens now?
George Sr.: I don't know. I guess I wait and see if I'm fired.
Mary: Well, if that happens, you can always get another job.
George Sr.: Medford has one high school. [stammers] Another job could mean moving.
Mary: But our roots are here. My mom is here.
George Sr.: So, moving's got its upsides.

Meemaw: What?
Missy: You said you'd show me how to hot-roll my hair.
Meemaw: Oh, right. You still want to do that?
Missy: You're cranky.
Meemaw: So maybe I shouldn't be putting hot rollers on your head.
Missy: Meh, you're always cranky. Let's do this.

[Georgie and Mandy are making out on his bed in the garage]
Meemaw: [imaginary] Oh, Georgie. I'm so disappointed in you.
[Georgie pulls away from Mandy]
Mandy: Is everything okay?
George Jr.: Yeah. Very okay. [resume kissing]
Meemaw: Tell her before things go too far.
Dale: [imaginary] Would you leave the kid alone? He's just having some fun.
Meemaw: He's lying, and she deserves to know.
Dale: Just let it go.
Meemaw: No. He's feeling guilty, and he's gonna do the right thing.
Dale: Connie, the second that girl's shirt comes off, it's game over.
Meemaw: No. My grandson has more integrity than you're giving him credit...
[Imaginary Meemaw and Dale disappear as Mandy takes her top off]
George Jr.: [o.s.] Amazing.

Tam: Okay, whenever you're ready.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Tam: I'm assuming the position.
Sheldon: Okay. Forgive me, Tam, for I have sinned. This is my first confession.
Tam: I forgive you, my son.
Sheldon: I was doing my parents' taxes and noticed a check was missing. I asked my father about it-
Adult Sheldon: As I walked Tam through the whole sordid affair, I could feel a weight lifting off my shoulders. It was a relief to finally unburden myself of this deception. By the time I reached the end, I felt like a new person.
Sheldon: That's the whole story.
Tam: Cool. Can we play now?
Adult Sheldon: And now that my conscience had been cleared, my colon was ready to do the same.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I need to use your bathroom!

Sheldon: Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed.
Tam: My father taught me that we must always honor our guests and treat them with the utmost courtesy.
Sheldon: The Vietnamese are a very welcoming people.
Tam: Yeah, that hasn't always worked out for us.

George Sr.: Um, I need to tell you something.
Mary: What did you do?
George Sr.: When Sheldon was doing our taxes, he noticed a missing check.
Mary: What did you do?
George Sr.: Before I answer, do you trust me enough to understand it was for a good reason and j-just leave it at that?
Mary: What did you do?

George Sr.: It's all your mother's fault. She is a bad person. I've been telling you for years.

Sheldon: Get it! Get it!
Missy: It's just a spider. Calm down.
Sheldon: It's got eight legs and fangs. I see no reason to be calm.

Adult Sheldon: The bond between twins is an incredibly close one, which is why I moved 1,500 miles to California the first chance I got.

Sheldon: Did you kill it?
Missy: Yup.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Missy: You tell me. [pointing the shoe at Sheldon]
[Sheldon screams and runs away]

Pastor Jeff: Wow, you're really getting this together fast. I feel like I'm not helping at all.
George Sr.: Oh, come on now. You cut those oranges into nice little wedges.
Pastor Jeff: I do it for the kids at Sunday school. They go to town on 'em.

George Sr.: Well, it's not lobster, but... least your friends won't see us.
Missy: Sorry.
George Sr.: It's okay. You're just getting older.
Missy: I guess.
George Sr.: Sure I was a jackass to my parents, too.
Missy: Hey!
George Sr.: How's your burger?
Missy: So good.
George Sr.: It is pretty good. Hey, maybe this can be our new spot for daddy-daughter dates.
Missy: Please stop saying that.
George Sr.: What? Daddy-daughter dates?
Missy: Yes.
George Sr.: Mm. Okay. What would you like me to call our daddy-daughter dates?
Missy: [chuckles] You're so annoying. [George chuckles]

[Missy is about to climb out her bedroom window]
Mary: [at her door] Missy?
Missy: Go away. I'm not talking to you.
Mary: I know you're mad. But I've been thinking about it, and... I trust you enough to know that you will behave yourself. So, just this once, you can go.
Missy: Thanks, Mom. Love you. [climbs back inside]
Mary: [door rattles] Why won't this open?
Missy: Sometimes it sticks!