George Sr.: No. See, Mary, that's the best part There's no pokin' and proddin'.

Sheldon: I'll go.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. Come on up here, Sheldon. Let's hear what you got.
Sheldon: I've spent the last week studying what people believe, and I've come to a conclusion.
Pastor Jeff: And what's that?
Sheldon: I'm starting my own religion.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sorry, what?
Sheldon: I'm calling it Mathology. It's based on a universal binary system.
Pastor Jeff: That's terrific, Sheldon, but this is a Baptist Sunday school.
Sheldon: I know, I'm here to convert everybody. Any takers?
Pastor Jeff: Okay. Let's go have a talk with your mom.
Sheldon: The only sin in Mathology is being stupid.

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, no, what have I done?
Sheldon: It's still moving.
Dr. Linkletter: Like we should be. Let's go.
Dr. John Sturgis: We need a box and a towel.
Sheldon: We don't need a coffin. The birds will eat it.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's to keep it safe until we find help.
Dr. Linkletter: John, these animals carry all kinds of diseases.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's what the towel's for.
Sheldon: This is Texas. Armadillo roadkill is practically the state animal.

Missy: Do you even know how to cook?
George Sr.: Believe it or not, I am capable of making breakfast.
Missy: Sorry. It's not like we see you do much around here.
George Sr.: How 'bout, "Thanks for cooking, Dad"?
Missy: Chocolate chips? Thanks for cooking, Dad.

George Sr.: I mean, how could Wayne stab me in the back like this?
Mary: I don't think Wayne stabbed you in the back.
George Sr.: Can you please just agree with me?
Mary: Sorry. So, what happens now?
George Sr.: I don't know. I guess I wait and see if I'm fired.
Mary: Well, if that happens, you can always get another job.
George Sr.: Medford has one high school. [stammers] Another job could mean moving.
Mary: But our roots are here. My mom is here.
George Sr.: So, moving's got its upsides.

Mary: Didn't Sheldon's college talk to you about coaching there once?
George Sr.: That's right, they did.
Mary: And you know the president pretty well now.
George Sr.: I do.
Mary: And they're used to losing, so it's low pressure.
George Sr.: Thank you.

George Sr.: What do you say we keep this quiet?
Sheldon: You mean like a secret?
George Sr.: No, no, just, you know, something between you and me.
Sheldon: What about Mom?
George Sr.: Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
Sheldon: What if Mom needs to know?
George Sr.: Okay, it's a secret. Just trust me. It is better for everyone if she doesn't know about this.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping secrets.
George Sr.: It's not hard. Just keep your mouth shut.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut.

Sheldon: I balanced the rest of the account, and it appears to be a check for $300.
George Sr.: All right, well, let's just put it down for $300 for miscellaneous.
Sheldon: I've never labeled anything miscellaneous in my life.

Missy: You have a calculator I can borrow?
Sheldon: Yes, but I'm using it.
Missy: No, you're not.
Sheldon: [Sheldon taps his head] Why do you need a calculator?
Missy: I'm trying to figure out what to spend my money on. What are you gonna do with yours?
Sheldon: I'm glad you asked. I'm dipping my toe in the exciting world of the stock market by purchasing three shares of RadioShack.
Missy: Why?
Sheldon: Well, as a shareholder, I'll be partial owner of my very favorite company. See, when companies go public, they sell shares of stock...
Missy: I'll just buy my own calculator.

Mary: I've been buying groceries for the church food drive. I think that's it.
Sheldon: Ooh, I bet I could write that off, including the gas it took to drive to the grocery store and then to the church.
George Sr.: With all that driving, maybe she can count her car as a home office.
Sheldon: Sounds aggressive, but I like how you're thinking.

Meemaw: So, Sheldon wants a computer?
Mary: Ever since he could talk. But now more than ever.
George Sr.: Well, he should get a job after school. Save up and buy one.
Mary: Get a job? He's nine.
George Sr.: I mowed lawns when I was his age. Made pretty good money.
Mary: You want Sheldon to mow lawns? He's so pale, five minutes in the sun, he'd burst into flames.
George Jr.: I would pay to see that.
George Sr.: Shut up, Georgie.

Sheldon: "If you were not covered by a retirement plan, but your spouse was, see the worksheet on page 14." Try and stop me.

Pastor Jeff:And Jacob said: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
Sheldon: Is this an appropriate time to mention that John 1:18 says, "No man hath seen God at any time." Who's right? Jacob or John?
Mary: Let's talk about it in the car.
[Meemaw raises her hand]
Pastor Jeff: Yes, Connie?
Meemaw: My grandson has a question. Let 'er rip, kid.

Mary: Thank you, Lord, for this little boy.
Sheldon: I knew I could fix it.
Mary: [LAUGHS] Maybe it was you and the Lord.
Adult Sheldon: I don't like sharing credit, but I knew in that moment it wasn't the appropriate time to say it.

Mary: There are expenses we could cut back on so we could afford a computer.
George Sr.: You mean like the money you give to church?
Mary: No, I mean like the money you give to the Lone Star Beer company.
George Jr.: Good one, Mom.
Mary: Shut up.
Meemaw: Shut up.
George Sr.: Shut up.

President Hagemeyer: So, what can I do for you?
George Sr.: When y'all were first recruiting Sheldon, you offered me a chance to head up your football program.
President Hagemeyer: And you turned us down.
George Sr.: I was right in the middle of rebuilding Medford's team, but now, I'm ready for a new challenge.
President Hagemeyer: Well, Mr. Cooper...
George Sr.: Please, call me Coach. Oh, and this just occurred to me, but, uh, if I were here, I could help keep an eye on Sheldon, take some of the burden off you.
President Hagemeyer: [laughs] Oh, your son is no burden.
George Sr.: He's a pain in the ass, ma'am. You can say it.
President Hagemeyer: Well, whether he is or he isn't...
George Sr.: He is.

George Jr.: So when you gonna take me to get my learner's permit?
George Sr.: Georgie, you've heard us talking to Sheldon about asking questions at inappropriate times, right?
George Jr.: Yeah, so?
George Sr.: So, given what's happened this week, do you think it's an appropriate time to be talking about driving?
George Jr.: Why? 'Cause that girl died?
George Sr.: Yes, that.
George Jr.: For your information, I'd be an excellent driver.
George Sr.: I wouldn't trust you to push a shopping cart.

Meemaw: You still dating that Marcus boy?
Missy: Sort of. He went away with his family for the summer.
Meemaw: Just out of curiosity, before he left, did he let you know?
Missy: Mm-hmm.
Meemaw: Hmm, interesting. And how long before he left did he tell you?
Missy: I don't know, a week.
Meemaw: Hmm, must be nice. You hear from him at all?
Missy: Yeah, he sent me the cutest postcard. It was a turtle surfing on a dolphin.
Meemaw: Adorable.
Missy: Pulling kind of hard.

George Sr.: Oh, okay. Just so I'm clear, my money's our money, but your money's your money?
Mary: That's right.

Mary: The bartender asked to see my I.D.
Meemaw: Honey, he does that to get tips. He asked me for mine, too.
Mary: Well, I like to think we're both young attractive ladies.
Meemaw: To that old fart? Yeah.